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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friend not to bring partner

31 replies

Henrietta75 · 03/03/2022 21:46

So I have friend A who is the same age and friend B who is 15 years younger. We all get on really well but I have seen more of friend A as we used to live near each other. I moved closer to friend B but still see friend A more as friend B is very busy. Caught up with friend B recently and all good.
Friend A and me have this ‘time alone’ in the pub on a Sunday lunchtime, once a month, no kids, no partners, just us shooting the breeze talking about work and putting the world to rights.
When friend B came over I invited them to join us the upcoming Sunday but they hinted they wanted to bring their partner. I hinted back it’s our time alone but they haven’t got the message / ignored it. I have nothing against their partner but I feel put out that they’re joined at the hip and can’t be separated for a couple of hours. Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/03/2022 21:47

Tell B that it’s just time for friends to catch up and partners aren’t invited; stop hinting

Hawkins001 · 03/03/2022 21:48

I understand your perspectives, but I think the pickle was extending the invite to begin with.

yellowtwo · 03/03/2022 21:57

I don't think you should have invited friend b in the first place. To get around it though can you change the day and place so friend b doesn't think it'll be a weekly meet up on your Sunday lunch?

ShirleyPhallus · 03/03/2022 21:59

I don’t know why there is all the hinting, just say “I’ve booked the table for us 3, will be lovely to have a girls catch up. See you then”

cuddlymunchkin · 03/03/2022 22:08

We’ll firstly, spell it out to B that it’s just for you three. Secondly - did you ask A if she was ok with you randomly adding B to your monthly outing?

Genegenieee · 03/03/2022 22:16

Just say - it's no partners, sorry if that means you won't want to come

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/03/2022 22:18

The only unreasonable thing is you not just telling them straight - it’s a friends lunch / no partners

CrikeyPeg · 03/03/2022 22:21

Yeah, stop hinting and just tell her outright, no partners, it's come alone or stay home.

Does Friend A know you've invited Friend B?

EssexLioness · 03/03/2022 22:45

I agree with others, just be direct with her. Also really hope you checked with Friend A before inviting B. Although tbh I have been in this situation a few times and it is still awkward and difficult to say no to. Hate it when people invite others along

dfendyr · 03/03/2022 23:02

YABU don't hint. Be a grown up

Original poster
Henrietta75 · 04/03/2022 06:59

The 3 of us all worked together once so Friend A wouldn’t have a problem me asking B and they get on well.

This may be an example of me not being assertive enough without in my mind thinking I may upset them. I may message and say we’re planning on having a get together with our partners soon but on this occasion it’s just us girls.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 04/03/2022 07:11

Your people pleasing would give me the rage if I was friend A. It is definitely you confusing being assertive with being rude.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 04/03/2022 07:57

Why do you think she’d be offended? She says may bring partner if you say it’s just friends say so. I can’t imagine why anyone would take offence.hints are annoying just be upfront this is what it is take it or leave it . If she can’t leave her partner at home for a couple of hours there is something wrong .

JazzHandsYeah · 04/03/2022 08:22

YANBU at all, but you need to be clearer and tell her ‘This get together is for us girls only’. It’s not rude to be assertive.

vesperlindor · 04/03/2022 08:25

If I was invited to the pub by most of my mates I'd assume DH was invited too unless someone specifically said otherwise, and the same with him unless they had agreed 'boys only' for some reason. But then we have very mixed groups of friends and there isn't a male / female divide as such, everyone is always welcome.

If I had specific plans with female friends only that he didn't know very well though, it wouldn't occur to me to invite him, and he'd probably rather stick pins in his eyes than come anyway!

RitaFires · 04/03/2022 08:26

I don't think you should invite anyone without running it by A first. But you can just say straight out it's a girly catchup day or however you want to phrase it to say partners aren't welcome.

Alandinasane · 04/03/2022 08:41

Stop hinting. Check with A that they are happy for B to be invited. If A agrees to invite B then you be crystal clear to B that partners are not invited. Use those words.

Brefugee · 04/03/2022 08:43

don't "hint" use actual words "sorry, B, this is a strictly no partners deal"

KitKattaktik · 04/03/2022 08:45

The 3 of us all worked together once so Friend A wouldn’t have a problem me asking B and they get on well

Doesn't matter. You should still ask A if she's happy for B to come along. It changes the whole dynamic.

Lookingforphev · 04/03/2022 08:45

Its ok saying you all work together and get on.

But having extra people changes the dynamic. The same as you feel about the partner.

ZenNudist · 04/03/2022 08:48

It's not a bug deal to tell her straight.

I have a friend with older dc who sometimes makes it clear she wants me to bring only my eldest leaving youngest at home. I don't get offended. I recognised that 7yo is a pain when you have 11 to 14 yo hanging out. Same with inviting men along to woman's get together or vice versa.

cherryonthecakes · 04/03/2022 08:49

It's not rude to say that this outing is girls only. Having boundaries is a good thing and sometimes people need friends and family to point out the obvious like this.

JollyHolly30 · 04/03/2022 08:49

I'm sure she won't be offended if you just tell her straight.

grapewines · 04/03/2022 08:53

Why would you invite B without asking A? That's actually pretty rude, and now she's bringing her man as well.

If I were A, I'd be really annoyed and probably cut the day short. You messed up, OP.

justdeciding · 04/03/2022 09:25

Nothing weird about saying it's just the girls! It's a pretty standard request.