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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I help this friend?

30 replies

Benjoir · 03/03/2022 21:29

I have a friend who I met in work a year ago. She moved to 2 separate new countries in the past 6 months, and both times has been miserable and depressed.

I've always been on the other end of the phone to listen to her problems when she needs me. For months now it's been the same thing over and over and over again. She's depressed about her lack of career opportunities, about not having found a boyfriend, about the accommodations she has lived in.

I've mentioned several times that she needs to go to her GP and seek a bit of help for her low mood, but she won't because she doesn't believe in anti depressants, and insists she just needs a good job etc. to come through her depression.

I'm just getting tired of having to listen to the same thing over and over again, and nothing ever changes and it seems that she doesn't want to help herself.

How do I help her? I'm wondering if it's time for me to back away from her because it feels as though I'm just her agony aunt, rather than a friend and I'm fed up. But I'm worried that that would be cruel?

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 21:30

She is using you and bringing you down. And you’re letting her.

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 02:44

shes just dumping her emotional sewage on you, if she wont listen to you then why keep wasting your breath? maybe this isn't someone you want to keep as a friend?

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 02:45

this might be a case of tough love and the best way to help if to let her figure it out for herself, especially if shes exhausting you

Bogeyes · 04/03/2022 04:07

I would move on. Can you really fix people?

autienotnaughty · 04/03/2022 04:12

Have you suggested counselling if she's anti meds? I think if you feel you have said all you need to say, you have two choices, continue to be her ear but without the responsibility of trying to fix it or back away.

Monty27 · 04/03/2022 04:13

No you can't fix her and she's draining your will to live so to speak. Just keep sending her links for self help and therapy

Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 04:32

"Friend for 6 months we've been having the same conversation. I think you're depressed and because you talk about being so sad and unhappy, that you should go to see a doctor. You don't want to, But I'm not a therapist, I'm just an ordinary person. It scares me you're only telling me this and not your doctor. Please go see one. I have to go now as I'm in the middle of stuff/DC need my attention. I hope you do please get support from your doctor"

Monty27 · 04/03/2022 04:34

^^ that and links

CSIblonde · 04/03/2022 04:56

I'd point out she's repeating the same pattern here & it's not working for her . So, time to look at it via Counselling. If she's expecting a job to miraculously make her happy , why? Has she no friends or family? Any interests where'd she'd meet like-minded people? I'd suggest that , then put some distance in.

FlyingGeeseAgain · 04/03/2022 05:01

I have two friends like this. Won’t help themselves, their lives are a mess. Their whole outlook is defeatist. I have decided to extricate myself. It doesn’t matter what I say it how I try to help, they won’t help themselves. Neither would go to the doctor . One is against counselling completely.
Just step away.

Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 07:50

@CSIblonde

I agree but OP isn't her therapist and shouldn't try to be. She's listened for 6 months and it's wearing her down. It is a lot of responsibility. Definitely think OP needs to become the broken record now of "you need to talk to a doctor" and cut some of the calls short so that this situation doesn't make two people miserable. It must be hard for her friend but she is the only one that can help herself by going to doctor and accepting the right support from professionals

Original poster

Benjoir · 04/03/2022 08:25

@autienotnaughty

I have, but the response I'm met with is that it costs too much privately - which is true, and that the GP can only offer 4-6 sessions of CBT.

Does anyone know of any free services?

OP posts:

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 08:27

the only services i can think of that are free would be either online or through a mental health charity maybe?

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 08:29

GP's might be able to refer to charities, if nothing else they should know whats available at least

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 08:32

If the friend is in the UK they can speak to a CPN, might be worth suggesting as they're obviously specially trained and they do have lots of free material as well from charities etc

LIZS · 04/03/2022 08:36

There are free phone and online counselling services. Sometimes people simply won't help themselves though and find it easier to offload on others, regardless of how it makes their friends feel and insensitive to their needs. I don't think she is much of a friend tbh. Signpost her then cool the contact.

BritInUS1 · 04/03/2022 08:38

It takes a long time to settle in a new country - 6
Months is no time at all

She needs to get out and meet people

LIZS · 04/03/2022 08:38

Assuming they are in UK https://www.iesohealth.com/

DrManhattan · 04/03/2022 08:38

You are both on a roundabout. Jump off. It might help her too. There isn't any excuse for dumping all this on you all the time. It's unfair.

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 08:41

@BritInUS1

It takes a long time to settle in a new country - 6 Months is no time at all

She needs to get out and meet people

I agree, i moved to another town few years back and it took me maybe a year before i felt i had settled in

2bazookas · 04/03/2022 09:02

every time she starts a pity-moan, reply cheerfully " Oh no no, lets not do this one again, it's depressing for both of us. Lets talk about something completely different" ( and have several topics/suggestions up your sleeve).

If she won't take the hint then stop calling her; and every time she calls you, just say " Sorry, my shoulder is very sore and I don't feel like talking now, byee".

Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 13:13

I have, but the response I'm met with is that it costs too much privately - which is true, and that the GP can only offer 4-6 sessions of CBT. Does anyone know of any free services?

I don't know why you're trying to fix this for your friend OP. She can organise medication and CBT or whatever via her GP. That is what is available professionally under medical services as her GP has told her . She is can look up alternatives after listening to and working with her GP

You need to step out- it feels too much because it is too much to be put into you. Stop trying to be an amateur counsellor to her. Be just her friend and set limits as you're not a therapist. The more she relies on you and goes round in depressing circles with you the less she is accepting the actual help from her GP. Other PPs have made suggestions of how to nip the long therapy type calls short. Call it as it is, I'm your friend not a therapist you need to accept help from your GP. And repeat

FlyingGeeseAgain · 04/03/2022 13:33

Why are you doing all the work for your friend? It’s her job to sort out her own problems!

SisterRuth · 04/03/2022 13:41

It's very arrogant of her to think she can overcome an illness without medication & simply by abusing your friendship.

gillybean2 · 04/03/2022 13:42

Doesn’t sound like she actually wants advice or help. Sometimes people just want/need to offload. It’s perfectly fair to ask her what she wants from you when she tells you these things. If it’s just someone to offload on/vent too, and that doesn’t work for you, tell her you can’t do that for her any more.

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