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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU

72 replies

GWM14 · 03/03/2022 17:13

Long story short, my eldest (17yo) has received the estate of his late grandmother which is held is trust until he is 25. He is able to access money if the trustees (myself and husband) agree.
He asked for money for a car, we have found one and purchased it and insured it to use with his provisional license. My car has been in the garage for the last 3 weeks, the cylinder head has gone and I was told today it will cost £2k to fix, money which we don’t have.
I have asked my son if I can use his car intermittently over the next few weeks whilst I figure out a solution. He’s told me no. He wants me to drop everything to take him out to practice but won’t let me use it otherwise. I have stated that I will refuel it each time and I’ve paid for the insurance and tax on the vehicle.
We live rurally, with buses only every 90 mins or so and they don’t run at all on a Sunday. I’m a shift worker and I’ve been using the bus to get to work, which is taking me 2.5 hours due to wait times between the 3 separate buses I have to catch (it’s a 35 mins drive).
Am I being unreasonable to think he should help me out? He’s not passed his test and has only just started his lessons so the car is sat unused on the drive.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 03/03/2022 23:58

Repay

HoveringDonkeyofKnock · 04/03/2022 00:05

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

What a Prince you have raised op. He can afford his own lessons and to pay board.

Absolutely. Time he learned some manners and consideration.

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 04/03/2022 01:28

Call his bluff, take the car back to the dealership. The refunded money goes back into trust and he gets no more money from the trust until he’s 25. You cancel the tax and insurance and get your money back then that can be used towards your car repairs.

Original poster

GWM14 · 04/03/2022 03:54

@Masdintle

I wouldn't take him out for practice as he's made it very clear you're not allowed to use his car

It must be tough to be a police officer and not be able to afford a £2k repair or a cheaper runaround. Insuring a car for a 17 year old on a provisional licence must have cost a grand. Perhaps that insurance should be cancelled and the money go towards repairing your car as you're not allowed out in his.

Insurance was £180, it's only provisional insurance with me as a named driver. I'm only a few years in so still at a lower yearly salary.

OP posts:

frankie001 · 04/03/2022 03:59

What a shame you’re far too tired from the excessive commute to take him out.

Flatandhappy · 04/03/2022 06:07

You must be so upset that your son is behaving so selfishly. I think I would find it very hard to just continue as normal if it were one of mine. The car needs to go back and he gets the money when he turns 25, no more talk about it. Meanwhile, having shown that he isn’t prepared to act like he is part of a family who helps each other out I would be leaving to sort himself out for food, laundry etc.

Missey85 · 04/03/2022 06:16

What a selfish little shit! If I were you I'd just take the car I mean what can he really do? Also don't let him have more money tell him your taking it for all the rent money he owes you!

Darbs76 · 04/03/2022 06:22

Wow rude. He won’t be getting lifts anywhere then

tootiredtospeak · 04/03/2022 06:35

Whatttttt use the car.

Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 06:39

Ok so £180 insurance isn't enough for your car repair and it has You as named driver?

So. I'd let natural consequences occur here.

You commute too much to be able to take him for driving practice. Or the time & money once home to cook him nice meals- I'd be very clear about the increase in jacket potatoes/beans/easy to cook meals; you don't have time to run him any favours including his laundry.

He's going to have to pitch in now you are commuting an extra 20-25 hours a week in top of working hours. That time has to come from somewhere.

So if he wants to use WiFi he will have to complete more of the chores in the house you'd usually have done

You have no money to be able to lend him any nor pay for going out, haircuts, etc

Unless he works, he'll be stuck in with no money for the next 6 months or so. Rural. You can't afford any driving lessons for him , no one is taking him out and no one is paying for his petrol fuel etc.

Unfortunately you and DH will need to arrange a loan. But DS days of lifts and being given money and gifts from DH and you are done.

Think how much money you'll save cutting birthday budget right down to £20 and no party at home. DS pays for himself to go out. That'll put about £200 back into your urgent car repair fund.

Sparticuscaticus · 04/03/2022 06:42

So I wouldn't say anything. I'd let the next two weeks "hit home" for DS.

NippyWoowoo · 04/03/2022 07:39

I wouldn't have asked. And even now in your position I'd be taking the keys

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2022 07:42

This has blown my mind that you're so passive about this.
There is no way on Earth I would tolerate this.
Can't believe you need to ask, of course Yanbu.
Your son would rather you waste 4 hours and £x per shift, when he has the means to help you at no cost to himself.
That is appalling behaviour.
I'm trying to think what I would do if this were my child, but it's difficult because they would never be so horrible. Has he been shown consequences before?
Obviously no more helping him with anything. No lifts to anything, no paying for anything for him, (including phone, activities, WiFi) no laundry, no cooking, no tidying of his room, anything at all else that you do for him. If you pay for school lunches, that would stop, he can make his own lunches. If he works, he can pay board.
You're being far too tolerant dismissing this as stubborn and hard work. Those are far too gentle words. It is despicable that he would do this to his mother.

LittleOwl153 · 04/03/2022 08:08

Why has your eldest been left this cash- and it not be shared with your other kids? I'd be concerned over the control over the family he seems to think it has given him. For that reason the car would be going back (as clearly a car is not going to be something you can afford for the next child unless there is a big age gap) and he would not be getting permission to use the fund for anything other than education costs before he reaches 25.

In terms of the current situation, I wouldn't argue with him. However the car would be grounded - no way would he be being taken out to practice when he is 'costing' you so much time with his selfishness. I'd also have expectations of consequences for the whole family of your loss of time due to your new commute - they will need to pick up the extra load between them. I'd also cut down heavily on any extras until you can afford to repair the car. (And I probably target this at the selfish child / his fund - which may ir may not be fair).

Brefugee · 04/03/2022 08:47

oh that would be a hard "pay for lessons" from me, and i wouldn't be available as mum's taxi again until he's passed his test.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

bellac11 · 04/03/2022 08:49

I assume you are on the insurance, then take yourself off and you wont be able to drive it now to teach him

brainhurts · 04/03/2022 08:53

Well he's a little shit if you ask me . I would not be giving him lifts . We brought DS a car and when mine was off the road he lent me his willingly.
From now on do nothing for your son .

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 08:57

@rainbowunicorn

I would accept his decision and then I would refuse to take him out to practice. He would be having to fund lessons from his own money with no practice time in between. I would also not be taking him anywhere, If he wants to go out, meet friends etc he would be using the poor bus service. I would not back down.

This.

I would take this very seriously.

What way has he been reared that he would behave like this?

I would do absolutely nothing for a 17 year old that is so selfish.

Original poster

GWM14 · 04/03/2022 09:02

@LittleOwl153

It was his grandma from a previous relationship. His bio father passed away about 10years ago and my son is her only surviving relative, I knew that he was the sole beneficiary of her will as she informed me of her plans years ago, but I never told my son as he was too young at the time. She passed when he was 16 so was old enough to understand conversations I was having with the solicitor.

OP posts:

Cognoscenti · 04/03/2022 09:27

I don't think he's being unreasonable not wanting you to use his car before he can, but on the same hand I wouldn't be taking him out to practise or funding lessons.

emuloc · 04/03/2022 10:21

I would feel so sad and disappointed if a child of mine acted like this. To be honest I would have just driven the car, and not asked anyway.

Sally872 · 04/03/2022 17:52

@Cognoscenti

I don't think he's being unreasonable not wanting you to use his car before he can, but on the same hand I wouldn't be taking him out to practise or funding lessons.

I can understand him being a bit annoyed he isn't main user but not actually refusing to help a family member get to work when he has a car that he can't use.

Would you honestly not let a close friend or family member use your car in same circumstances?

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