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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask to join a friendship group chat?

33 replies

Lampyshady · 03/03/2022 15:23

I’m quite shy/socially anxious and have been working in a job for about 6 months. I get on ok with a group of colleagues, but they are all close friends now (we started at the same time) and they have a group chat where they organise social occasions which I’m not part of so I frequently don’t know about/am not invited to social events. I’d like to be more involved, and they seem to welcome me when i do join on the rare occasion something is organised in person in front of me. There’s a couple of group members I’m a bit closer to, not that close though but have messaged them before/shared lifts etc. they all went for dinner last night and I missed out and it really upset me. I’m thinking of messaging one of the group members I know best and asking outright if there’s a group chat where they organise events and could I be added as I’d like to be more involved?
How should I word this? Is this an acceptable thing to do or will I make this person uncomfortable/is it rude to invite yourself into a friendship groups chat/will they feel uncomfortable having a bit of an outsider on there? I’ve tried to chat more to them in person and naturally be involved in events but it’s hard when we don’t all work the same days/wfh. I moved to a new city for this job and don’t know many other people.
So should I message and ask to be added to the chat?

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 03/03/2022 15:25

Could you just suggest that they let you know the next time something is planned as you would love to get out for a bit of craic?

BIWI · 03/03/2022 15:27

You need to find out who the admin of the group is, and then ask them.

If you all started together I really can't see an issue with asking to join, especially if - as you say - they've welcomed you before.

Alternatively, how about organising a social event yourself, and inviting them to come along? Doesn't need to be a major, formal thing - just suggest a drink after work or something.

Grinling · 03/03/2022 15:28

I think that would depend entirely on how well you know them, and how you think these colleagues feel about you. If some or all aren't that keen on knowing you better outside of work, then you will put the person you ask to add you in a very awkward position. Only you can judge whether you haven't already been added to the group out of pure oversight, or whether it's a signal they're happy with only seeing you occasionally out of work.

Normally, I'd say, just ask what's the worst that could happen? But you mention 'missing out' on dinner and how 'upset' you were, which sounds a bit overly-intense, and as though you would respond really badly if the person you asked said 'Actually, we're happy keeping things as they are nothing personal.'

You are the best judge of the dynamic.

ChuckMater · 03/03/2022 15:29

Invite them all to something that you organise. Make a group chat with them all to organise it

Grinling · 03/03/2022 15:30

And yes, I was going to say what @BIWI said -- organise something yourself, or invite them round for dinner or something, and you're being pro-active and creating the right situation for you all to get to know one another better.

TooWicked · 03/03/2022 15:31

I would go down the route of organising or suggesting something yourself like a trip to the cinema or meet up for coffee/drinks after work or the weekend.

BeHappy91818 · 03/03/2022 15:39

I wouldn’t ask too be invited into the group chat. Specially if they are all a lot friendlier, it’s just odd to be honest. Some people get on better then others and they might.

Organise something yourself and invite them.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 03/03/2022 15:42

If they wanted you in the chat they’d add you in.

Rainbowshit · 03/03/2022 15:46

No don't ask to be added to the group chat. I would try and organise something yourself and invite them.

Chikapu · 03/03/2022 15:56

I wouldn't ask, if they don't want you in the chat what are they meant to say? It's asking for an awkward situation.
As others have said invite them out to do something, you'll get a better feel if you fit in with them or not that way.

Shoxfordian · 03/03/2022 16:14

Don’t ask to be added but invite them out yourself

LawnFever · 03/03/2022 16:19

@Shoxfordian

Don’t ask to be added but invite them out yourself

This :) you might find that the group chat has been going ages and includes people who may now have left the tram etc.

Don’t specifically ask to join, suggest a meet up yourself and take it from there.

LawnFever · 03/03/2022 16:19

Left the team, not the tram

Grinling · 03/03/2022 16:25

The way you describe it is a little odd, OP -- it's not that you don't know about the social events they organise because you're not on the WhatsApp, it's because you're not in their friendship group, you've just worked with them for the last few months. It may be that you eventually see more of them outside of work and become friends with them, but that's clearly not the case at the moment (possibly in part because of WFH/staggered office days).

Which is why it feels strange to have you say 'they all went for dinner last night and I missed out and it really upset me', as though not inviting you was some kind of unwarranted oversight. They didn't invite you because it didn't occur to them because they clearly don't know you very well yet. You mention that you don't see them often because of working different days and/or working from home.

It's not been a great time to start any job, from that POV, because WFH has meant you literally didn't meet colleagues for months or years at a time. But surely you can see it's unreasonable to think you 'missed out and it really upset me' in the circumstances, if the only reason you have phone numbers for the colleagues you say you're closer to is because of occasional messages about lifts?

Suggest an outing yourself, or invite them to your place, and make a chance to get to know one another.

Useranon1 · 03/03/2022 16:31

It's not rude to ask but I think it's a bit pointless. They know you're not in the group, it's not a mistake. If they wanted you in it/at events they would have done so. Sorry OP.

TempName01 · 03/03/2022 16:36

In my friendship circles, a new WhatsApp will be set up for organising a particular event/trip and then the chat will kind of migrate onto the newest WhatsApp with more people added. So I’m thinking if you set one up to arrange drinks or lunch then chat will follow and you might be more included in future. If they leave the group then you know they aren’t interested.

thisplaceisweird · 03/03/2022 16:37

@Useranon1

It's not rude to ask but I think it's a bit pointless. They know you're not in the group, it's not a mistake. If they wanted you in it/at events they would have done so. Sorry OP.

Leaning towards this being the answer - if they wanted you there they would have invited you.

However, it's hard to tell without having met you all, so you can tell for sure by:

Find something fun to do and invite them all out
If they're talking about something coming up say 'Oh I'd love to come!'
If they tell you about something they've recently done together say 'can I come next time, I'd love that'

BIWI · 03/03/2022 16:38

It's very easy for groups to start up without everyone being involved, especially if you're not all working the same hours/shifts/days. I wouldn't look at this as you being excluded intentionally.

Dee00 · 03/03/2022 16:40

I really wouldn’t ask to be added to the group. It sounds a bit desperate and others might not know you well enough. It could backfire and you might be isolated more.

Honestly just spend time getting to know everyone better. Take every opportunity you can to meet up/go out, make yourself available and up for everything they do. Say things like, I really fancy a cheeky glass of wine after work today, does anyone fancy it? Or want to pop out the office with me for a nice lunch today? Especially try to do things with the girls you don’t know as well. Before long you’ll be added on the WhatsApp group.

Sunpotter · 03/03/2022 16:47

@TempName01

This is my experience too^

You don't want to ask to be added for various reasons, not least because if they all migrate to the next event you could get left behind anyway.

The best thing is to suggest casual drinks one evening and work your way up from there, eventually you can plan your own meal and start a whatsapp group about it but i wouldn't start with a meal as it's a bit more investment for people.

Also, do they have similarities you don't share? similar age/life stage/ kids/no kids? I've in the past been 'left out' because of those reasons and it's not personal, it's just how majority group dynamics work.

I'd also suggest joining Meetup and building your social life from that angle too. That will help you have stuff to talk about with work people, and if you casually mention outside social events/hobbies you can avoid anybody thinking you're a bit eager.

Original poster

Lampyshady · 03/03/2022 16:49

Thanks everyone, you’re right I knew it felt like a weird thing to do!

OP posts:

MrsEricBana · 03/03/2022 16:52

Aw I get it, it's hard. Definitely don't ask to join, as others have suggested. Suggest something yourself and see how it goes from there. Keep it v simple e.g. drinks after work. Good luck!

GandTfortea · 03/03/2022 17:03

I’m in a group chat ,for the past 3 years
We set it up because we were in identical situations home life wise ,so quite unique situations,anyway ,one woman continually asked to join ,and we had to say no ,as she wasn’t in the same situation and we didn’t want anyone knowing about our situations ..
So very very awkward,but she wouldn’t take know for an answer ,difficult woman

BIWI · 03/03/2022 17:19

I hope that you explained that to her, rather than tell her she wasn't welcome to join

Grinling · 03/03/2022 17:28

@BIWI

I hope that you explained that to her, rather than tell her she wasn't welcome to join

It may have been rather difficult to do, if the reason the group existed was because the 'home life' similarity that united the original members was something personal or private. No one wants to say 'Oh, this group is only for women trying to deal with their husband's affairs/ haemorrhoids/ gambling addictions!' or whatever...

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