To set this screen time limit

[APretADay]

Just want to check if I'm in the right ballpark or if I really am the mean mother (what DD12 thinks - apparently no-one else has these limits etc etc).

I think it's been getting out of hand - she does little else at home, often grumpy, doesn't engage with us much, so am trying to limit to 5 hours a schoolday on her phone. I think this is still too much, but with the hour she spends on it before school she hits it easily.

Admittedly the don't have a 12 year old but 5 hours a day sounds like a huge amount if you're trying to actually set a limit!!

To me too. It's a lot of TikTok, but also messaging friends/watching things on Netflix. My thinking was to try to get it down in stages - but maybe need to be tougher.

That sounds like a lot to me.

My dd12 has had me hour 15 mins of Tv/game time on kindle, and I think TikTok on her phone is limited to 40 mins (which if she uses she does it in school hours, waiting for bus etc.)

I say to mine if there time in the morning to read her novel. We have no Tv in the morning and phone would be for sending a few what's apps only.
In the evening I'm encouraging 3 after school clubs (I've fought hard for this battle) and some general faff time once screen time and homework and shower is done. When my youngest goes to bed at 7pm, me and my dd12 relax on my bed watching a documentary or a funny show together for about an hour. I realise that this is still screen time but I feel like we are connecting-we'll laugh or discuss something we've seen.

I definitely don't have it all perfect, my dd is anxious and often cries about fitting in at her new secondary school. But although she probably would think more screen time is a good idea, I don't.

Is it possible to split it up into phone time vs TV time?

I’m all for limits as phone addiction is a real problem. Even us adults are addicted to our phones but a developing brain can be really affected by too much exposure.
There’s been research that shows how the brain can become ‘rewired’ and affect focus and brain chemistry.
5 hrs a day sounds too much.
Netflix and tv is fine as you need focus to follow a story line and characters but it’s probably better to watch it on a tv. Maybe it’s something you and your dd can do together.

It sounds far too much. How much is she on her phone now if 5 hours is the limit?

my kids have 2 hrs per day at weekends and homework only during the week. I suspect the homework time does merge into 'chat with friends online time' but not for more than 30 mins.

how does your child even manage to fit in 5 hrs per day? if there is no phone time before school, and then only 4pm - 6pm after school before it is time for dinner / bath / reading, then there just aren't 5 hours available.

I'd delete TikTok and allow max 1 hr per day on school days and 2 hrs at a weekend.

I hoped this would be the gist of the feedback. You are all right that it is too much - I have been worn down by her arguing others don't have any limits at all (and they do seem to be messaging/on FaceTime whenever she is).

5 hours is less than she has been using it. And there is a lot of time around dinner (20 minutes?), shower and bed - that is another point of argument. I ask her to go to her room at 9.30 to start winding down - but she says that's much too early and everyone else is allowed to stay up later. I think at least one of her best friends probably is. I've thought about talking to the other mums to get an idea what they do - but have bottled it and thought I'd ask Mumsnetters first!!

If you actually limit it then 2 hours is the max I would do. 5 hours is surely ALL of her free time after school? Back from school at 4pm, in bed by 9pm. When does she do homework, reading for pleasure, bathing, eating etc?

I ask her to go to her room at 9.30 to start winding down - but she says that's much too early and everyone else is allowed to stay up later.

Her phone will be affecting her ability to sleep. If you want her to sleep by 9.30, then no screens should be allowed after 7.30pm - so she has 2 hours winding down.

You could get one of those lockable jars with a timer that her phones and tablets go in at 7.30 prompt. Maybe allow her to choose a leisure activity of her choice (art, reading, sewing etc) that you will invest £100 in to get her winding down time started. Perhaps that would be a nice incentive and something you could shop for together?

That's loads
My 12 year old has to be in bed before 830, lights out at 9.
He doesn't have a phone with sim, although he does have a phone and iPad. He gets two hours of gaming/YouTube each weekend day if his school marks are on track, goes down in stages of half an hour if not. No gaming or YouTube during the week, is allowed Netflix if all homework has been done.

@APretADay 5 hours a day is FAR too much. Sounds like it's time to ramp up family time, activities, conversation. Try small things like a board game after supper, phones away for the hour of supper and put away by 8 or 9 pm.

There is a lot of research around screen time, I think you really need to get a handle on it pronto. Good for you for seeing this!

5 hours a day is massive!
What else does she do??

My 13 & 15 yo might sometimes hit this on a weekend but 2 hours max on a school day

We limit phone time separately to tv too, as the smaller screen seems so much worse for posture

No phone 1 hour before sleeping
Blue light glasses for iPad, laptop or tv

Ds13 goes to bed at 9 and dd 15 around 10 on school nights

FIVE HOURS? Just wow. I’d say 1, 2 at a push during the week, providing all homework and chores were completed first.

I would say that TV time should be a different counter - watching a long film for 3 hours feels very different to me from three hours on TikTok, for example.. I would say two hours per day of phone time, but a couple of hours of TV on top of that is fine.

My DD is 11 (year 6). She gets 1 hour a day across all devices in the week and 1.5 hours at the weekend.

Her teacher says she wishes other parents did the same. Some of them are texting till gone 11pm and from 5am the following morning.

She’s not usually asleep before 10pm, but she’s always been that way and gets plenty of sleep. Her screen time shuts down between 8pm and 8am but she may watch some TV before bed on nights she isn’t at an activity.

We're having similar issues with 13yo ds. Awful attitude when he's been online. This week we've limited him to 2 hours an evening on his laptop which he then physically gives to me when time is up. He does still have access to his phone but we're making a big effort to engage him in what we're doing rather than leaving him to his own devices (pun intended!). His attitude has been much better since we put a limit in place as I don't think he knew how to stop himself before or recognise when he'd had too much.

Our 3 dc all go upstairs at 7:30 on school nights. 9yo reads and is asleep by 8:30. 13 and 15yo read and usually asleep by 9-9:30. The extra time upstairs before bed helps them unwind and for the older 2, it's a chance to organise their bags for the next day.

That's loads op.

It's difficult but worth it.

@jackstini - very little. She does have a sporty hobby that she does 2-3 times a week. But that is it.

She's stopped wanting to do things that we used to do as a family (those dreaded walks, cinema) and so often just wants to see friends. And there seems no good reason to say no because we aren't doing anything in particular, it would just be nice if she came along. And I know how important it is at that age and how family things naturally take a backseat. School is fine, but not setting much homework at the moment.

I'm sorry you're having the same issues @Tidypidy. I fear it isn't unusual.
And I do know this has all got out of hand - which is why I threw myself at the mercy of an AIBU -I knew I'd hear some straight talking!

Just to say, as the parent of two nearly 12 year olds, we all struggle with this but 5 hours a day seems like an enormous amount. Does she not have any hobbies in the evening? Can you try and get her into something?

Hopefully better weather coming will mean she's out with friends more

Does she do her chores/homework before she can have her phone? That was tough with ours but I made it a rule

Very little homework being set - I've checked!

What do other people's teens do in their downtime??

Hello @APretADay - just come across your thread, as my dd12 is the same! Just wondering how yours is now, a few years down the line? Hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel!