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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice re maintenance and stopping contact

27 replies

wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 02/03/2022 23:07

I've just had to drive 20 miles to go and pick my 13 year old dd up from her dads as she sent me a video of her sitting in her room in the dark crying whilst he screamed and shouted like a man possessed in the background. He has previous form for this and he's a drunk. As an adult watching it was terrifying so I can only imagine how she felt being there.

When I got there I witnessed him push her around as she tried to leave, I got his girlfriend to open the door and got her out as quick as I could whilst also advising his much younger girlfriend to get out while she still could as he was screaming at her as well. She said she was fine though (as I did many times in the same situation when I was young and manipulated by him)

Dd quite rightly never wants to see him again and I don't want her to either. My concerns are how do I go about stopping contact legally and ensuring he continues to pay her maintenance. I'm a single parent, never remarried and I rely on her maintenance to provide for her. We made a private agreement when we separated so it was never legally binding. What do I need to do and what are my/her rights with regard to stopping contact and her maintenance?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 02/03/2022 23:22

You can stop contact and let him take you to court if he wishes. Whether he would bother is another matter. At your DD's age, her wishes and feelings would be paramount.

In terms of maintenance, I'd just go to the CMS if he is employed. If he's self employed it's rather more difficult. I wouldn't rely on a private agreement going forward.

Original poster
wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 02/03/2022 23:26

Unfortunately he is self employed and he lies about his income. I do however have proof that he did this whilst we were still together though so I could report him to hmrc

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ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:27

What @TheFormidableMrsC said.

No court will compel a 13 year old to go under these circumstances.

If you’re pretty sure he will stop payments , apply to CMS tomorrow. If you think he’ll continue to pay, you could choose to wait and see.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:28

@wontsomebodythinkofthechildren

Unfortunately he is self employed and he lies about his income. I do however have proof that he did this whilst we were still together though so I could report him to hmrc
I had to do that with DH1. You don’t get to find out what HMRC do or decide, but my payments did magically increase the next year.
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/03/2022 23:32

She gets to decide and if she doesnt want to see him tough. On the money hopefully the threat of HMRC will have him continue to pay (if he has any sense as that is one department you dont mess with) make sure he knows you have evidence.

BabyTurtIe · 02/03/2022 23:36

I wouldn’t hold your breath with child maintenance ive never received a penny off my ex as he “doesn’t work or claim benefits” and they don’t do anything about it

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/03/2022 23:36

I think you crack on with the CMS regardless. It's a difficult decision to make. My ex used maintenance to blackmail me or "teach me a lesson" as he liked to tell me repeatedly. I was not in a position to have the uncertainty so I made an application. He was incandescent. While I did receive less due to him scamming HMRC every year, I do get something. For now. I'm sorry you're in this position. I am trying to get myself into a position where I am not reliant on it. I'd love nothing more that to tell him to go fuck himself.

Original poster
wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 02/03/2022 23:43

@TheFormidableMrsC

I think you crack on with the CMS regardless. It's a difficult decision to make. My ex used maintenance to blackmail me or "teach me a lesson" as he liked to tell me repeatedly. I was not in a position to have the uncertainty so I made an application. He was incandescent. While I did receive less due to him scamming HMRC every year, I do get something. For now. I'm sorry you're in this position. I am trying to get myself into a position where I am not reliant on it. I'd love nothing more that to tell him to go fuck himself.
Thank you for your advice. I absolutely wish I was in that position too but despite working full time in a career I've dedicated myself to for 12 years I am vastly underpaid.... that won't change either as it's public sector pay....

I won't forget the look on his face tonight though when I banged on the window and pointed at him when I saw him push her.... the poor girl is terrified and I'm so sad for her. But in that moment I knew he knew he was fucked as I'd seen him and I felt some upper hand after years of his abuse and drunken rages.

OP posts:
TellMeMoreHellebore · 03/03/2022 00:06

Did you go to the police over his tr was Trent of them both?

You should

It could help in the future to have on record

TellMeMoreHellebore · 03/03/2022 00:06

*over his treatment of them

Original poster
wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 03/03/2022 00:16

No I didn't as it was so late and I just wanted to get my daughter out of there and home safe

He's just sent me threatening messages though so I will be contacting them tomorrow.

Still trying to calm my poor daughter down and get her to get some sleep and me too as I've got to be up for work in 6 hours...

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REignbow · 03/03/2022 02:46

@wontsomebodythinkofthechildren you must call the police! He was verbally abusing her and was also physical.

PiperPosey · 03/03/2022 02:54

I would call the police and get a retraining order against him.
I would NEVER allow him to see her again.
He is an abusive idiot.
I would rather live in a shelter than to ever take a cent from again. That makes me so angry ( at him)
ENOUGH
I would be like a Mama Bear around my cubs. Angry

Sparticuscaticus · 03/03/2022 04:13

You've witnessed your DD being abused by her father, emotionally and physically. Regardless of what else you do, you must report this to children services/the police. There will be a MASH (multi agency safeguarding hub) referral line- ring that tomorrow.

You can send them video and describe what you witnessed when you arrived. Tell your DD to be honest. They will make recommendations which will undoubtably include no contact at this point- which temporarily override any contact court orders you have until it goes back to court- & you will have to take it back to court if you do- they will want the child safeguarding report to be shared with them. If you don't have a child contact court order in place, you can just stop contact but report it anyway.

Maintenance is separate. He may very well respond by cutting off finances- abusive men do- but you'll need to go to CMS. You can't let him financially manipulate you into ignoring his child abuse of your DD.

MintyFreshBreath · 03/03/2022 07:14

Sorry this happened to your DD, what a nasty man. Regarding maintenance, feel free to try CMS. However, they barely give a shit when it’s easy to collect maintenance. When it becomes difficult E.g. when the NRP is self employed, you’ve got no chance. I say that from bitter experience as my self employed ex owes me thousands and now DS is grown up I’m resigned to never seeing it. Probably best to tighten your belt elsewhere. I’m sorry to be the voice of doom. There’s a great FB group that I’m a part of which is full of very supportive people.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 07:15

I agree with PP go to the police. The video is good evidence.

Mumofsend · 03/03/2022 07:16

He sounds hideous. Stop contact and the onus is on him to take to court. At 13 your daughter will have the main say.

Still apply for CMS. My ex has no contact and still pays full matinence.

BobHadBitchTits · 03/03/2022 07:52

I hope your daughter is okay this morning.

Original poster
wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 03/03/2022 16:28

There is no question in my mind that he will ever have contact with her again. I am having to bide my time with the police report as in her hurry to get out DD left lots of her stuff including important school stuff and a key to our house at his, which obviously for all our safety I need to get back. Spoke to his mum this morning and she's appalled and will take DD to get her stuff tomorrow when he will definitely not be there. Once that's done I'm reporting it to the police.

We don't have a court order re contact or maintenance so I just don't know if legally I need to get an order to stop contact or if I can just stop it.

Will contact CMS when I get home from work if they are still open.

OP posts:
Original poster
wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 03/03/2022 16:31

@BobHadBitchTits

I hope your daughter is okay this morning.
She was very shaken and neither of us slept much but a day at school seems to have lifted her spirits slightly. Just keep telling her that none of this is her fault it is all him and she is loved and cherished by both myself and her older sister. We will get through this and he can burn in hell for all I care.
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southlondoner02 · 03/03/2022 16:40

You can consider asking the police to escort you/ her to get her things if you report. This will be to prevent a breach of the peace. You can also report him for harassment if he's sending vile text messages as well as the assault and child cruelty.

RedHelenB · 03/03/2022 17:36

Being self employed I don't CMS will get him to pay the full amount he should. But that is a separate issue to contact and no way should your daughter ever have to repeat that experience again. She's old enough to make her own mind up regarding contact but it may be you have to tighten your belt money wise.

pinkstinks · 03/03/2022 17:42

Please call the police to report the assault of
Your daughter. Also the gf is potentially at risk in that situation which may have escalated after you left.

tswizzle · 04/03/2022 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wontsomebodythinkofthechildren · 04/03/2022 22:41

Just wanted to update. Tonight DD went with her Dad's mum ( her grandma) to collect her stuff whilst he was out at work. She got the main stuff, but all her birthday and Christmas money and her school stuff was missing so I will have to replace uniform. Luckily her key to our house was safely hidden and is now back in our possession.

Her grandma used the journey to berate her into not cutting contact.. her exact words were 'every family has their problems and no one is a perfect parent' This woman knows exactly what he did because I told her. Luckily I have raised an awesome, strong girl and she stood her ground and said 'no way, he's an abusive drunk.'

Her Grandma then text me saying the same after she dropped her home. I told her this is not some little family disagreement, he's a monster, I have proof of his abuse and will be hearing from the police. She didn't respond.

I have also made an application through the CMS and arranged 30 minutes free legal consultation today.

I'm so proud of DD, she's had GCSE options to pick this week on top of all this and she's made some really mature choices and is excited about her future. After a few difficult years with her acting out because he was so controlling she felt like she was treading on eggshells but felt guilted by him and his family into keeping contact she is finally ready to see him for what he truly is. Our overwhelming feeling tonight is relief that we can finally cut all ties with him and his toxic and abusive behaviour.

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