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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is fine and not really his business?

42 replies

Gully4 · 02/03/2022 14:00

I have one toddler with DH.

I work for myself but very flexibly so it ends up being the equivalent of about 2 full days a week. DH also works for himself but works full time 5 days a week.

We both bring in around the same amount per month. I could probably make more if I worked longer hours but I haven't needed to as what I bring in has always been enough and comparable to H.

Because of our working arrangements I obviously look after DS a lot more.

We tend to go out most days. It's rare that we'll ever stay in for a whole day. Walks, lunch, play centres that sort of thing.

DH has been making comments about the amount we go places in the week to the point I don't want to tell him anymore if we go for lunch or things like that.

I do think some of it is probably jealousy that he doesn't get to do lots of things with DS because he works more. But not entirely. I don't actually know what the problem is.

He would never be a SAHD he loves his work.

AIBU to go out as often as I like with DS during the week and not feel guilty?!

OP posts:

BessAndCress · 02/03/2022 14:02

YANBU but next time he comments why not ask him if he has a problem? Laugh about it? Or does he not have a sense of humour?

Comefromaway · 02/03/2022 14:02

I'm assuming lunch out is more expensive than eating at home? Does your dh buy lunch out or take a packed lunch?

redastherose · 02/03/2022 14:04

YANBU - what is his problem in you going out? I'd ask him why its an issue for him and if he feels he's being left out tell him to take a couple of days off on holiday while you are at work and he can have DS and take him out himself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2022 14:15

This is a man who wants his cake and eat it!

He should be grateful that you’re able to look after your child and leave him free to focus on work, whilst still earning as much as he does!

poTAYtoes · 02/03/2022 15:22

I'd also suspect it comes down to jealousy or money. Even though he doesn't want to work less, he probably still feels some disappointment and even resentment that he's "stuck at work" while you're out doing things with DC. He may not be consciously jealous, yet still react negatively because, deep down, he is.

Or maybe he feels it's a waste of money to go out every day.

The only way to know is to speak about it.

honeylulu · 02/03/2022 15:25

What sort of comments does he make? Along the lines of "it's all right for some" by any chance?

Maybe he's jealous that you only work two days and earn the same as him.

My husband used to be a bit like that. He fritters his money whereas I'm a saver so I'd sometimes treat myself. I also use my annual leave so I have odd days here and there to relax or do fun things whilst he tends to hoard his (unlike his money!) in case he wants to take a whole week, then ends up losing it when the end of the holiday year is busy.

I got pretty fed up with all the "lucky you" comments. He gets pretty short shrift if he tries it now. I just tell him he needs to organise himself better if he wants to do the same. I'm not going to curtail things I look forward to that I've worked hard for and carefully planned just because he's got green eyed envy.

You could try asking your husband if what he really means is that you and toddler should stay shut in the house and bored all days because he's jealous of you doing nice things! As you earn the same he can't even play the "it's stressful bearing the financial burden" card.

MangyInseam · 02/03/2022 15:29

I would just ask him.

He may not be really thinking about the reality of being a toddler at home - it's good for them to get out every day, especially for a single child! And also keeps you from getting crazy. I would say that as the main caregiver it's part of your job to make sure he gets out regularly, and you could point that out to your husband.

cuno · 02/03/2022 15:30

Unless you're taking your son to the Ritz for lunch, YANBU.

Cherrysoup · 02/03/2022 15:32

Ask him what the issue is next time he says anything. Would he prefer you to keep your son under wraps at home and not socialise??

DetailMouse · 02/03/2022 15:34

Something's bothering him. You know that so ask. Whether he's right or wrong or somewhere in between talk to the man!

BluerThanRobinsEggs · 02/03/2022 15:38

So you do the majority of childcare - and I presume housework, shopping, mental load/wifework shit - as well as earn as much as him and he's picking at you? What a charmer. Part of child care is getting out of the house and socialising. Is he jealous or just mean?

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 02/03/2022 15:39

Ask him if he would prefer that you and your DS plonked yourself infront of the TV every day, all day.

You're getting yourselves out of the house. He's U to have a problem.

Daenerys77 · 02/03/2022 15:44

I think you need to ask him what the problem is. If it's some kind of male pride thing, you could point out that has a job he loves and a high-earning wife who does most of the housework and childcare. In a world of eight billion people, he has to be one of the luckiest.

Arghgerroffyabastard · 02/03/2022 15:49

Speak to him. Tell him how his response makes you feel. Ask him how your lifestyle makes him feel. Communicate.

Don’t assume he’s being a bastard. Don’t be combative. Yes, he’s reacting selfishly; you probably are too.

Remember you love each other and are on the same side, raising these children as best you can. Remember you’re both in great positions; one with a job and a stay at home partner to look after the kids; the other with a working partner and enough money for days out.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 15:52

Sounds like he's envious that you earn the same as him but work a fraction of the time so get to spend more time with your son

Jvg33 · 02/03/2022 15:54

DH works for himself too... Invite him to whatever it is he next comments on. If he doesn't want to go he can't comment.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/03/2022 15:58

My ex used to say this because (I learned after we had a child together) he believed it wasn't "appropriate" for mothers with small children to leave the home that much.

You'll be surprised to learn that I divorced him.

GabriellaMontez · 02/03/2022 15:59

"Are you jealous"? "Don't you want me to take ds out? "

You're totally not being unreasonable. Ask him. If he says he's joking, tell him it doesn't sound like a joke.

PeacefulPrune · 02/03/2022 16:00

He's being an idiot and probs jealous that you earn as much as him and only work 2 days. I thought no toddlers are hard work and if you attempt to stay in more you are putting your mental health at risk. Toddlers and their carer need to be out and about as much as possible.

DetailMouse · 02/03/2022 16:02

It's amazing how many people can see inside his head from a few lines written by someone else and it's ridiculous how many advise petulant action without even trying to discuss it.

PinkSyCo · 02/03/2022 16:07

Just ask him what his problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️

FitAt50 · 02/03/2022 16:10

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

This is a man who wants his cake and eat it!

He should be grateful that you’re able to look after your child and leave him free to focus on work, whilst still earning as much as he does!

I think this is a very unfair comment. One could argue that she should be grateful that her husband works and earns as much as he does, whilst she is free to stay at home and go out to play/lunch every day.

Lets not be sexist.

drpet49 · 02/03/2022 16:12

* It's amazing how many people can see inside his head from a few lines written by someone else and it's ridiculous how many advise petulant action without even trying to discuss it.*

^This. So many experts on here

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 16:12

@DetailMouse

It's amazing how many people can see inside his head from a few lines written by someone else and it's ridiculous how many advise petulant action without even trying to discuss it.

AIBU would be kind of boring if the only advise that was allowed was "get off mumsnet and talk to him" though.......

Original poster

Gully4 · 02/03/2022 16:19

What sort of comments does he make? Along the lines of "it's all right for some" by any chance?

Maybe he's jealous that you only work two days and earn the same as him.

Yes there are a lot of comments like this and yes I do suspect it's due to jealousy he has to work more.

I have asked what he wants / expects and he doesn't have an answer just says he's "joking" even though he is clearly not.

OP posts:

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