Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think this is fine and not really his business?

42 replies

Gully4 · 02/03/2022 14:00

I have one toddler with DH.

I work for myself but very flexibly so it ends up being the equivalent of about 2 full days a week. DH also works for himself but works full time 5 days a week.

We both bring in around the same amount per month. I could probably make more if I worked longer hours but I haven't needed to as what I bring in has always been enough and comparable to H.

Because of our working arrangements I obviously look after DS a lot more.

We tend to go out most days. It's rare that we'll ever stay in for a whole day. Walks, lunch, play centres that sort of thing.

DH has been making comments about the amount we go places in the week to the point I don't want to tell him anymore if we go for lunch or things like that.

I do think some of it is probably jealousy that he doesn't get to do lots of things with DS because he works more. But not entirely. I don't actually know what the problem is.

He would never be a SAHD he loves his work.

AIBU to go out as often as I like with DS during the week and not feel guilty?!

OP posts:

probablynotthesame · 02/03/2022 20:56

I feel like you could play this situation in three ways;
1 don't tell him what you and DC are up to and harbour anger/annoyance that you can't talk about your day
2 smile sweetly when he says 'it's alright for some' and agree yes it is, whilst harbouring anger/annoyance
3 talk to him, ask him why he says it and explain it actually upsets you and you feel like not telling him what you've both been up to during the day because of his comments which actually you really enjoy sharing with him

Popfan · 02/03/2022 21:16

Would he like to spend more time with DS? Could you work an extra day so he could have a day off a week too?

However, you shouldn't need to justify what you are doing with your son.

SadMum12345 · 02/03/2022 21:27

YANBU

Ispini · 03/03/2022 07:13

I was a SAHM to my two when they were small. I went out a lot and my DH was always delighted I was getting out of the house. Our trips included soft plays, coffees with other mums etc.
Leave him to it for a full day one weekend and see how he copes with the walls closing in with a toddler. Ask him what he had for lunch, question him every time he meets friends, plays football etc. play him at his own game. He doesn’t know how lucky he is, you earning and saving on serious childcare costs is amazing.

Gowithme · 03/03/2022 07:36

I don't think it takes a lot of 'getting inside his head' to suggest what his problem might be. Either he's jealous because he has to work more days than the OP or he is insecure because she has so much more earning potential. Or he thinks OP spends too much on these days out and thinks the money could be better spent other ways. He jokes it off because he knows whichever it is he's in the wrong.

Tell him to stop commenting on it because jokes are supposed to be funny to everyone involved and you don't find them funny. Tell him if he has a problem then to talk about it but otherwise to stop pulling you down about taking your son out.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 07:46

Could you save the more special trips for the weekend so he can join in?

Hankunamatata · 03/03/2022 07:50

Talk to him. He probably is jealous, I would be. Could there be more balance? If dh worked 4 days and had toddler on 5th day so you could work - your increase pay for working extra day would offset dh 4 day week.

LottyD32 · 03/03/2022 08:07

@Popfan

Would he like to spend more time with DS? Could you work an extra day so he could have a day off a week too?

However, you shouldn't need to justify what you are doing with your son.

This is the best idea so far imo.

Try and work it so you each have a day a week with ds and then weekends together.

Cottagepieandpeas · 03/03/2022 08:10

Yes agree with PPs saying maybe childcare could be balanced more?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 03/03/2022 08:15

He sounds toxic.

Make sure to keep working and having your own money, in case it all goes sideways with douchebag him down the line.

Gladioli23 · 03/03/2022 08:16

I agree he shouldn't comment on your going out, but can also imagine he may want more time with DS?

If you earn X over 2 days, so X/2 per day. And he earns X over 5 days so X/5 per day then presumably if you worked 3 days and him 4, then you'd have 3X/2 + 4X/5 = 13X/10 = 1.3X so 30% more income with your son still only needing 2 days in nursery, and you both getting the weekend together? This would presumably also cover some extremely nice extras like a cleaner or alternative time saving options (I'm assuming you have enough money to be doing okay or presumably you'd be working more than 2 days as a starting point). Obviously ultimately it's up to you guys but that sounds like quite a good option to me?

hellcatspangle · 03/03/2022 08:20

I would just sit him down and tell him how much his comments annoy you.

Make a list of all the stuff you also do on your days with DS that get him off the hook - housework, laundry, admin etc. Tell him if he wants you to work 5 days and put DS in nursery how much his share of the fees will be for that plus the cleaner etc, and how much more he will have to do at weekends. Ask if that's what he would prefer? No? Well keep your comments to yourself then.

GabriellaMontez · 03/03/2022 08:23

This. If he has something to say or would like to alter things he should say so. Not make 'jokes'. It's not for the op to guess and fix the issue.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2022 08:23

@GiantHaystacks2021

He sounds toxic.

Make sure to keep working and having your own money, in case it all goes sideways with douchebag him down the line.

I sometimes wonder if I’m living in a parallel universe. He’s a long way from toxic in my world. It must be galling to work five days a week to earn the same as your partner earns in two days and see them doing all the nice things with your kids that you’d love to do.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/03/2022 08:53

What is his problem?

Invent a couple of work meetings and let him stay at home with DS for a couple of days.

pinkyredrose · 03/03/2022 08:57

Why doesn't he do what you do for a living and then he can have lots more free time with the same amount of money?

billy1966 · 03/03/2022 09:15

He is being PA and not very nice.

Jealous of his child having a nice time?

Ick.

Ask him directly what the problem is and do not allow him to lie that he is joking.

He is repeatedly being PA, don't let it go.

Good that you are working.
It doesn't speak well to his character.

Flip

1 2