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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do it?

31 replies

Ohsacrebleu · 02/03/2022 13:53

Got married a few months ago. Due to covid and bereavements, some people couldn’t attend, including many of DHs aunts and uncles. PIL want us to have another event for everyone who couldn’t go seeing as they gave cards and gifts, but since then we’ve recently had another bereavement on my side and I’m not really feeling like another event and neither are my family. I of course feel bad that people couldn’t attend. They said it won’t cost us more than a couple hundred but I also think that if you’re organising another get together, it should be as good as the day they missed so I think it’s only fair if we did it we’d buy everyone a drink too and do more than just finger food etc. I’m also worried it looks a bit grabby to hold another event as well. WIBU to leave our wedding day in the past and send out thank you cards instead?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohsacrebleu · 02/03/2022 13:54

DH said they said it looks bad if we don’t hold something for people to come to. Does it?

OP posts:
ElIie · 02/03/2022 13:56

YANBU. You’ve had your wedding already. Yes it’s a shame some people couldn’t come but that’s life. Also, I think most people find other peoples weddings a bit of a nuisance so to have a second one seems a bit OTT.

Original poster
Ohsacrebleu · 02/03/2022 13:57

Not another wedding as such, but to host something in a bar with food and such

OP posts:
LawnFever · 02/03/2022 13:59

No, you had a wedding day, if they couldn’t attend that’s not your issue, no matter what the reasons.

There will always be people who can’t attend a wedding, people don’t go round holding additional events for them!

PenCreed · 02/03/2022 13:59

I would never expect another family event for one I couldn't go to. What if I wasn't able to make the second one, would you have a third? It's a bit different if you have a wedding abroad, I think, but that doesn't sound like the case for you.

Only three of my aunts and uncles came to my wedding, the others in the generation all sent cards and gifts instead. We sent them thank yous and a bit of wedding cake, there was no way we were organising another do!

Suzi9989 · 02/03/2022 13:59

Just send them a wedding photo/ thank you card. You don't sound like you want this party so why go through with it?

Chloemol · 02/03/2022 13:59

YANBU. Sad people couldn’t come but you had the wedding you want

Just send thank you cards and leave it

Of PIL want to host and pay for a meal for the all, amd you join them then ok

LawnFever · 02/03/2022 14:00

@Ohsacrebleu

Not another wedding as such, but to host something in a bar with food and such
If you’d got married any time there would’ve been some people who couldn’t make it, that’s life.

Just say no, they had their invite & you’ve got other priorities now.

sadpapercourtesan · 02/03/2022 14:00

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. That's the only consideration that matters!

If your PIL want a party, they can throw a party.

Etinoxaurus · 02/03/2022 14:00

PIL can organise and host if they're that fussed.
Sorry for your losses
Flowers

SpiderVersed · 02/03/2022 14:01

Your PIL are out of order.

LizzieMacQueen · 02/03/2022 14:02

Did you already say before your wedding day that you'd host a second event?

If yes, then I'd say you'd have to honour that. But choose a date that suits you, please.

LimeSegment · 02/03/2022 14:06

I'm sure you've thought of this but if it's DHs side that wants to get together, why not just have an event along those lines without making it a wedding. Have a BBQ and invite all the aunts and uncles.

Lemons1571 · 02/03/2022 14:10

“After our recent bereavements, I don’t feel up to organising anything along these lines. I’ll leave it in your and DH’s capable hands”

And repeat ad nauseum.

Then it’ll never happen.

MischievousBiscuits · 02/03/2022 14:13

I think it's very cheeky for them to ask this to be honest. Awful sad they couldn't make it, but the etiquette (where I'm from anyway) is if you're close to the couple and can't make a wedding, you still send a gift.
What if they can't make the next one? Do you have to do another two parties? Three? F that noise.
And I'm sorry for your losses Flowers

Notimeforaname · 02/03/2022 14:15

Nope. I wouldn't do it.
You dont want to. So dont !

sadpapercourtesan · 02/03/2022 14:17

@LimeSegment

I'm sure you've thought of this but if it's DHs side that wants to get together, why not just have an event along those lines without making it a wedding. Have a BBQ and invite all the aunts and uncles.
Because she doesn't want to have a BBQ. She doesn't want to have any sort of party. She's dealing with bereavement and doesn't want to organise a party!

OP, you are not obliged to do any of this. Just say no.

nearlyspringyay · 02/03/2022 14:17

You don't want it, don't do it. No one made them give you cards and gifts. If PIL are really bothered let them sort it out.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 02/03/2022 14:22

If it's just aunts and uncles of your dh I wonder could you do something like a house warming or promise a larger than usual christening if you're planning dc. All depends on your relationship with family tho, my MIL is heaven sent so I'd know this is something that's she'd be really disappointed about and would love to do for her family. But I also know she'd suppress those feelings if I was grieving. So my perspective is warped

Original poster
Ohsacrebleu · 02/03/2022 14:24

Thanks all, I did already say that I didn’t really want to celebrate so soon after the loss, but I was told that there won’t be any balloons and all I have to do is show up.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 14:25

Don't do it.
You don't want to show up. You don't want to get dolled up and fake happy for everyone else's benefit and neither do your family.

dudsville · 02/03/2022 14:26

When I got married my in laws insisted their friends and distant family were invited, however we wanted a small intimate wedding with the people we knew well and loved. The "compromise" was pils hosted and paid for a meal for the rest in a posh country club. I wonder if your pils could do something similar? It was nothing like a wedding, I'd forgotten about it until reading your post, so it didn't feel like a hassle.

maddening · 02/03/2022 14:31

Your mil wants a family party but for you to organise and pay for it.

I am sure that many cards and gifts were given for several life events in the family over the last 2 years that could not be celebrated in person, it does not mean that they will go back and re-celebrate as catch up events, life moves on.

If mil wants a family get together she can organise it herself

Original poster
Ohsacrebleu · 02/03/2022 14:33

They do want to organise it for us as they don’t think it’ll be expensive, but I’ve tried explaining to DH that there will also be a lot of cost for us as it is just the done thing to get drinks for everyone too. But it’s besides the point really.

OP posts:
SierraHotelIndiaTango · 02/03/2022 14:37

@Ohsacrebleu

Thanks all, I did already say that I didn’t really want to celebrate so soon after the loss, but I was told that there won’t be any balloons and all I have to do is show up.
Then you need to say , I'm sorry I've not been clear but I don't want to " just show up " I'm not up to this at all after a family bereavement, thank you all the same