To feel dread everytime my parents call

[Grapeflavour]

A week before the very first lockdown, my parents (both 60) retired to a small coastal town a few hours away. Two years of pandemic later, they're not getting on, both miserable, and keep moaning to me about each other. I dread talking to them to be honest, they really bring me down. Is that bad?

They've been together for 38 years and have always had a dysfunctional relationship. Lots of explosive rows when i was young. My dad resented having to provide for two kids and a SAHM. And my mum was wracked with 24/7 anxiety. She had no friends, hobbies or anything to do for 20 odd years except raise me and my sister. To be honest, me and my sister aren't that close with them now because of the agro we experienced growing up, which makes us sad. They'll never separate because my mum has no financial independence and my dad can't/won't do anything for himself.

As a kid I used to try and solve all their problems but as an adult I know that's not my responsibility. Any advice on how to handle it when they call/message me about how unhappy they are with the other? It's really stressing me out and it's all I can think about.

I can't see what the solution is to this one. They both seem impossible. Just stay out of it and cut them off if they call. Sorry, can't stop now. There's a cake in the oven, we're on out way out, we're eating...

How often do they call you?

I'm in a sort of similiar situation, totally understand the heart sinking when their name pops up on your phone, and the guilty relief when it doesn't.

My parent lives closer to me, so I go and visit them for a few hours a week, and take them out somewhere where they are more likely to be distracted and less likely to complain the entire time. I try and plan something nice for afterwards because of how draining it can be.

How would they respond if you said look I can’t keep doing this, I can’t fix you. You can’t resolve your issues so you need look at separating. They say we would never separate? then ok agree that you can’t keep hearing same things when there is no solution. Say “I’m hanging up now I’ve told you I don’t want hear complaints when there is no solution goodbye” For your own sanity you have to draw line, it is draining when situations going do anything to change.

Be firm im happy to talk about XYZ but no we done the I’m unhappy talk to many times or just don’t answer phone for few weeks then try again and repeat on loop.

Sounds awful and a bit clinical, but when they ring maybe start a timer for 30 minutes (don't tell them obs!) and when it's up make an excuse that you have to go now. I find it helps having an end point in your mind

@Akire

I tried this approach with my parent. Unfortunately didn't work.

60 is not old! Suggest marriage counselling if they won't leave each other. Could they both get part time jobs so they won't be in each other's way all day? Even if your mother hasn't worked previously, she could begin by doing some training at an adult education centre. Most libraries will have information on where to access them.
Could she do voluntary work?, charity shops are crying out for helpers at the moment.
If it were my parents, I would tell them both that you're no longer will to listen to their complaints about each other now that you are an adult, you have had enough and be honest and say I am beginning to dread your calls, it's affecting my life too.
They won't like it but stand firm.
Good luck!

@sc215 They call maybe once a week or so, but it's more the messages to be honest. They both send those cryptic attention seeking type messages, usually along the lines of they've had the last straw with the other one this time.. just so I respond asking what's wrong etc. Always at ridiculous times of the day, often mid morning when I'm busy or the second I've finished work and was looking forward to switching off.

They've become very self absorbed and sorry for themselves. I actually filter what I tell them these days because they seem resentful and negative if I ever enjoy myself or something good happens. Everything has to be miserable, that's all they relate to!

Thanks @Winniewonka. I agree, 60 is not old at all but my mum iseems to think she's past it and all that's in front of her is death. (My partner's parents are in their 70s and are full of life!) She won't do anything, even if anyone suggests it, she barely leaves the house. She usually cancels short notice if there are ever any plans, saying she didn't have a good sleep or has a bad stomach. I know she's depressed and anxious and I'm worried if I say they're making me feel bad and stressed that she'll go into some sort of breakdown (which has happened before).

I think I would say something along the lines of " well you are both grown up people who can take responsibility for this and work it out between you". Then just repeat this every time you are asked what you think, whether the other person is reasonable, what you think they should do etc.
Clearly spell out for them where the responsibility lies and hold that boundary.

God I relate to pretty much everything you've said!

Not much to add, but solidarity.

Have you a land-line? Block them on your phone. Tell them technical difficulties.. Keep to one call a week. Change awkward conversations into something else or cut the call short... You aren't their therapist but before long YOU will be needing one.

I think you should say that you are happy to hear from them, do not intend to get involved in their arguments. If one starts slagging off the other, say clearly that you will not listen to this and do not want to get involved.

I had a fairly similar conversation with my (now deceased) parents - as a child I had found myself being a go-between and hated it; and one day I saw one parent doing this to one of my DDs. I intervened and got her out of the situation; I was quite shocked by how strongly this impacted on me. I did not ring them for some time after that, and eventually my Dad rang (I am quite sure my Mum forced him to!) and asked why I had not been in touch. I told him. They never did anything similar again.

It sounds as though your mother has been suffering with bad MH for a while. I don’t know how much that is related to the relationship, but regardless of her marriage it sounds as though she needs medical help.

Sorry - I know that doesn’t help you much if she won’t see a doctor!

This sounds very much like my parents, separately they moan about each other too me, DF has never really had friends that he’s kept in touch with and DM is so critical of anyone she has been friends with that she ends friendships over minor things. This means they only have each other and no social life so their hobby the last few years has been moaning about each other and everything else. I dread my calls I know they will be negative and depressing so I limit the calls to when I’m in the car driving between places and say “oh have to go I’ve arrived” and it ends the call there and then. The other tactic is to say “oh that’s annoying” then change the subject when I know a moan is about to start

I had a similar thing with one parent moaning to me about the other, I did have to say that I was sick of hearing it and it got better. I think you either put up with it or have to say something. It's shit though!

Just don't acknowledge any messages regarding their grumbles, ignore or change the subject if on the phone. Alternatively you could call them out on it and say you don't feel comfortable being in the middle so you'd rather them not share their situation with you if they're not going to do anything about their frustration

One tip - I phone them about 20 minutes before their favourite programme starts, they wind up the conversation themselves bang on cue.

@SC215

God I relate to pretty much everything you've said!

Not much to add, but solidarity.

Sorry to hear you're putting up with this nonsense too... Appreciate the support, and same to you!

It is grossly unfair of parents to put their children in the middle of their marital problems, regardless of the children’s ages.

—I’m sorry you’re feeling that way but it’s unfair to put me in the middle. Better for you to talk to him/her about your frustrations and feelings, or speak with friends.

—Sounds like you’re feeling low, Mum. Have you seen the GP? They can help with these things, and I really can’t; I’m not qualified.

—Please stop venting your frustrations about mum to me. You should be speaking to her. I love you both and this really puts me in the middle.

—Sorry to hear this, is there someone you can vent with about it?

Just deflect every time. Their relationship isn’t yours to fix and you know this.

Next text either send you moans about the other send them links to a divorce solicitor.. Every time.

My mum did this about my dad. In the end I told she she could either divorce him or shut up about it as I wasn’t interested as he is my father just as she is my mother

In your case I would do the same, just say to both of them they are both your parents and you are not taking sides or discussing issues any more. When they send the text messages either don’t respond, or just say something like never mind I am sure it will sort itself out. By asking the question you are enabling their behaviour

Unfortunately I had this for years, my father couldn’t hold any conversation without complaining about everything, everyone and it got to the point that I refused to visit unless DH came too to deflect him.
My mother was very deaf, constantly ran me down about everything I had ever done, been or said so eventually I was so completely done in by FOG that I restricted contact to once a month.
They both died in their 90’s, I had it all my life so many commiserations OP, it’s relentless and completely grinds you down.

If your messages are during the day and whilst you are at work, a reason to ask both of them that they make no contact during the working day unless something such as one of them going into hospital.

[quote Grapeflavour]@sc215 They call maybe once a week or so, but it's more the messages to be honest. They both send those cryptic attention seeking type messages, usually along the lines of they've had the last straw with the other one this time.. just so I respond asking what's wrong etc. Always at ridiculous times of the day, often mid morning when I'm busy or the second I've finished work and was looking forward to switching off.

They've become very self absorbed and sorry for themselves. I actually filter what I tell them these days because they seem resentful and negative if I ever enjoy myself or something good happens. Everything has to be miserable, that's all they relate to![/quote]
You don't have to respond immediately to a message. You wanted to switch off? Then switch off & do something else without a second thought. You know what the message will be about & you know you can't do anything about it, so what's the point in answering or thinking about it? And definitely don't feel guilty about not answering or caring about it.

I look back on some family phone calls & wonder why I didn't realise that (a) I don't have to pick up the phone & (b) I can end a call at any time & I'm allowed to do that. One forum I was on used to recommend, "Sorry, gotta go, the cat's on fire!".

Just ignore the messages. DOn't feed the fire!