To feel dread everytime my parents call

[Grapeflavour]

A week before the very first lockdown, my parents (both 60) retired to a small coastal town a few hours away. Two years of pandemic later, they're not getting on, both miserable, and keep moaning to me about each other. I dread talking to them to be honest, they really bring me down. Is that bad?

They've been together for 38 years and have always had a dysfunctional relationship. Lots of explosive rows when i was young. My dad resented having to provide for two kids and a SAHM. And my mum was wracked with 24/7 anxiety. She had no friends, hobbies or anything to do for 20 odd years except raise me and my sister. To be honest, me and my sister aren't that close with them now because of the agro we experienced growing up, which makes us sad. They'll never separate because my mum has no financial independence and my dad can't/won't do anything for himself.

As a kid I used to try and solve all their problems but as an adult I know that's not my responsibility. Any advice on how to handle it when they call/message me about how unhappy they are with the other? It's really stressing me out and it's all I can think about.

They both send those cryptic attention seeking type messages, usually along the lines of they've had the last straw with the other one this time.. just so I respond asking what's wrong etc

There is an awfully obvious remedy for that one. Don't respond.

@balalake

If your messages are during the day and whilst you are at work, a reason to ask both of them that they make no contact during the working day unless something such as one of them going into hospital.

Just to note, I never reply to them when I'm at work, but when I see a message pop up it bothers me all day thinking 'what now?' for some reason. I know I need not to care but I can't help it.

@merrymouse

It sounds as though your mother has been suffering with bad MH for a while. I don’t know how much that is related to the relationship, but regardless of her marriage it sounds as though she needs medical help.

Sorry - I know that doesn’t help you much if she won’t see a doctor!

That's OK, i dont think theres much that can be done about her which is sad. She's had bad mental health for at least 30 years. She knows it, but can't be bothered to do anything about it. She has no interest in doing anything but lying in bed procratinsting. I've offered to pay to send her to therapy (she can afford it but wanted to give a nudge in that direction) bit she's not interested. She could study a course, join a class, anything, they're financially comfortable, but all she does is internet shopping and watch TV. I've basically just given up on trying to encourage her to enjoy life, and not getting involved.

I can relate to a lot of what you've said OP. I love DM dearly but she's utterly draining, so much so that I can start the day in a great mood and be utterly depressed after speaking to her - a feeling I can't shift for days.

The suggestion upthread about phoning an hour before a favourite programme is about to start is a good one and something I now use. Regarding texts the best strategy I've found is to sympathise but don't engage. So if it's a complaint about her partner I just say "Oh goodness that sounds hard work...well I hope your day gets better" and simply leave it at that. I couldn't ever ignore DM ringing or texting ( she'd then contact my older children to say she's worried etc and they'd be in a flap at school) as there have been times when she's really needed me, but there are days my heart sinks when I see her name on my phone and that makes me feel guilty as hell.

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

I can relate to a lot of what you've said OP. I love DM dearly but she's utterly draining, so much so that I can start the day in a great mood and be utterly depressed after speaking to her - a feeling I can't shift for days.

The suggestion upthread about phoning an hour before a favourite programme is about to start is a good one and something I now use. Regarding texts the best strategy I've found is to sympathise but don't engage. So if it's a complaint about her partner I just say "Oh goodness that sounds hard work...well I hope your day gets better" and simply leave it at that. I couldn't ever ignore DM ringing or texting ( she'd then contact my older children to say she's worried etc and they'd be in a flap at school) as there have been times when she's really needed me, but there are days my heart sinks when I see her name on my phone and that makes me feel guilty as hell.

Sorry you feel like this too, this is how I feel exactly. It's the not being able to shift that bad feeling for days after talking to then that really affects me. I can't stop feeling bad for her life, and feeling like I should be around more and she might be happy.

I do tend to try and call around 5.30 to limit time on the phone. Thankfully they have dinner religiously around 6.30 every day.

[quote Grapeflavour]@sc215 They call maybe once a week or so, but it's more the messages to be honest. They both send those cryptic attention seeking type messages, usually along the lines of they've had the last straw with the other one this time.. just so I respond asking what's wrong etc. Always at ridiculous times of the day, often mid morning when I'm busy or the second I've finished work and was looking forward to switching off.

They've become very self absorbed and sorry for themselves. I actually filter what I tell them these days because they seem resentful and negative if I ever enjoy myself or something good happens. Everything has to be miserable, that's all they relate to![/quote]
This is so very close to what happens with mine. They were not like this (self absorbed and sorry for themselves)! And even on a day when, say, there has been a piece of news that I've been waiting for on that day, AND I've had a job interview about 2 hours previously, the call is not asking me about my news, it's a run through of what they have been doing, with a negative and snarky slant to it. If I attempt to filter, my MIL often gets in touch and lets the cat out of the bag, so I'm got coming and going with 'You kept X from us, we're not important enough, etc...'

Have you tried saying to them something along the lines of “please don’t keep telling me your issues, I really can’t do anything about them, so I don’t want to know”.

How would they react to something like this?

Every time they start moaning just shut them down, tell them you don’t want to hear about it. Be blunt with them, they need to know you’re not their emotional punchbag.

"Oh, you sound so down. Have you been to your GP?"

And repeat.

If she is depressed and anxious she needs professional help. Dumping her feelings on you is no solution.

At this point in both yours and their lives you are not going to change them but you can change how you react to them and their nonsense texts/messages.

If you feel strong enough to put a stop to it, you could send them a link to Relate or BetterHelp. You could say that you've done your best with their issues throughout your life but it's time that they sought professional help at this point as you can't help them further with whatever they are concerned about/have issues with the other about.

So you've already realised you can't change them, so how about therapy for yourself to develop coping skills. Perhaps the tendency to dwell on things runs in the family, but you internalise it and take it out on yourself and not others? I do understand the sinking stomach feeling when the phone pings, and I've been a "detach with love" work in progress for many years for certain people. My mantra is that I am only responsible for my own happiness, not anyone else's, even DH. I consider that as long as my actions towards others are kind, respectful and loving, then their happiness is their own responsibility, I can't break myself to fix them.

What I've found helpful is to basically use grey rock principles - don't get sucked into the drama and emotion. "oh dear, that's a shame" type stuff. Calm observational responses like pp said of "you sound down" or "that's a mean thing to say". If you are in control, try and schedule the calls so you're doing something busy that you enjoy afterwards to distract you and so you don't dwell on it.

It's a skill and it doesn't fix things overnight, but keep persevering, telling yourself that it is their life not yours and one day you find that you had the phone call and your heart isn't racing and you didn't feel down afterwards.

They both send those cryptic attention seeking type messages, usually along the lines of they've had the last straw with the other one this time.. just so I respond asking what's wrong etc
This is an unhelpful response, and just fuelling their neediness. I would answer with the address of a Divorce lawyer. When they ask what that was, simply say if things have got to this state they are best to separate. Of course you know they won't but, by not entering into their silly spats and offering a grey rock, unemotional response, they may eventually cease involving you.

I'm sick and tired of mine too. Constant bloody moaning about covid, their imminent deaths (not imminent) and doom and bloody gloom about everything.
They live in luxury as they are well off and have no real worries at all. I have just spent the last two years working on covid ward and don't want to bloody hear it, I'm depressed enough seeing death day in and day out.
I only have a mobile but their numbers are on it and if their names come up I just don't answer it. I moved a long long way away too so there is no popping round either.
Neither of them asked how I was either the whole of covid.

I tried the supportive approach with similar parents after moving myself to the coast. "oh dear, that must be difficult, never mind im sure you will sort it out" not sure who my dad has been moaning at for the past decade as he stopped phoning me.

Leave it a long time before responding- they might have sorted a bit of it out before you reply

I sometimes leave my parents messages until the end of the day and allocate myself 10-30 mins to support them, then that’s that - I try and switch off again by meditating etc

Solidarity

I feel your pain. My mum and dad used to get on fine but illness/covid shielding etc over the last few years has led to them not getting on. My dad has always been a bit panicky, anxious, short tempered etc whilst my mum is quite calm and pragmatic and so they've muddled through together but she is so pissed off that he is obsessed with his health issues but won't do anything about them (stuffing himself with biscuits and sweets), does nothing round the house because he claims he can't, wants help with everything despite her health issues being far more serious than his, that she has switched off and hardly talks to him. Which makes him even more stressed.

I dread talking to them on the phone, (there's not much slagging off, just the odd snide comment) I don't really drink but I have a glass of wine before talking to them sometimes.

" No more about Dad. I'd rather talk about you. Did you go for a walk today? What are you reading/cooking/making? "

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'm sick and tired of mine too. Constant bloody moaning about covid, their imminent deaths (not imminent) and doom and bloody gloom about everything. They live in luxury as they are well off and have no real worries at all. I have just spent the last two years working on covid ward and don't want to bloody hear it, I'm depressed enough seeing death day in and day out. I only have a mobile but their numbers are on it and if their names come up I just don't answer it. I moved a long long way away too so there is no popping round either. Neither of them asked how I was either the whole of covid.

Yes exactly the same here! They've got everything, totally financially comfortable, everything has worked out for them in life, they've got exactly what they wanted. And yet they're so bloody miserable. And their menial problems are always so much bigger than any actually serious problems anyone else in the family has...

Also I hope you're doing OK. Can't imagine what you've had to go through on Covid wards.