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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM last minute requests.

41 replies

namechangedforthis0194 · 02/03/2022 11:21

Once again another text of DM "can you do XYZ now/today/later on"

I am my mums main "carer" in terms of I don't work and my sibling does, she doesn't need a carer but doesn't drive and has disability's so it's easier for me to help.

Iv told her MULTIPLE times if you want anything doing, taking anywhere, need something picking up etc I am happy to do it but you need to tell me in advance meaning at least the day before!

But yet she doesn't seem to ever get it into her head! I'm so fed up of it now. I moved closer to help her out more and now I want to move a million miles away.

I actually cried over the weekend when she asked me to take her shopping, id just got in with the kids and was exhausted so I just sat there and cried!

I am far to soft and feel awful saying no, especially if I don't have a good enough excuse to be saying no! Not to mention I am 8 months pregnant Sad

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 02/03/2022 11:23

Can you not just say you're busy, but can do it/take her etc tomorrow? Unless it's an urgent thing like a drs appointment that can't be changed. I would start to gently try to change your responses when she asks. Give her an alternative, or even 2 options, like you may with a child. Then she still feels she has a choice/made the decision but it is in your terms.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/03/2022 11:24

Keep saying no, I can do it tomorrow/weekend or sorry not possible. Stick to it.
It'll sink in eventually that she can't just shout & you go running instantly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2022 11:28

You have to start saying “no” and mean it.

She won’t “get it into her head”’if you keep doing it.

You have to say “I can tomorrow” or whenever shots you. Shopping wise, online shopping would surely be the best option, rather than a parent of young children being dragged round a supermarket.

Original poster
namechangedforthis0194 · 02/03/2022 11:29

I think I find it hard as well because when I say no she ignores my text Confused just so fed up of feeling guilty when I shouldn't at all!

OP posts:
WouldIwasShookspeared · 02/03/2022 11:31

Unfortunately nothing will change until you start saying no.

No, I can't today. I can take you on X day/do it on X day.

When she complains, say you need to ask me in advance by which I mean at least 24 hours notice. Minimally.

She won't change unless you force change. She may well have some tantrums but at the end of the day she needs you more than you need her so she has to change.

Brefugee · 02/03/2022 11:31

Sorry, OP it sounds stressful.

Your mum sounds like she needs a carer, not to put-upon her daugher.

It sounds harsh, but it sounds as though you need to train her. So if you get "can you do XYZ today" you reply "no, but i can fit X in the day after tomorrow" and so on. Would that work for you?

inappropriateraspberry · 02/03/2022 11:31

Phone her and tell her! Then she can't deny you're response and you can make arrangements for when is suitable. "I got your text mum. Can't do that now, but could take you tomorrow. What time is best?" She then has to sort it out.

EmmaH2022 · 02/03/2022 11:31

Have you cried or lost your temper in front if her?

I found my mum thought lots of things should be "no bother" and it only stopped when she saw how much it was upsetting me. Sometimes she still needs reminding.

EmmaH2022 · 02/03/2022 11:31

*of

AlisonDonut · 02/03/2022 11:32

Stop jumping up and tell her you can, and when you can. Of it is in another 2-3 days then so be it.

dfendyr · 02/03/2022 11:32

Just say, sure I can do that tomorrow

And just repeat

BIWI · 02/03/2022 11:33

Stop being such a wet lettuce!

Say no. Take charge. If you can't do something, or don't want to do something (which is just as legitimate), tell her that. Tell her when you will be able to do it.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 02/03/2022 11:33

Ignoring your text means you take no further action though, surely? So you don't go pick her up, you don't go fetch her or whatever.

What do you normally do when she ignores your text?

Beamur · 02/03/2022 11:34

Learn to say no.
Could you have fixed days to do certain tasks? Like shopping for example?
You will not be available at the drop of a hat with a newborn. Get this sorted now.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 02/03/2022 11:35

also, you need to tell her now that you will not be available for a while after you have your baby so she needs to make other arrangements.

The only one who can change this is you.

NameGoesHere · 02/03/2022 11:37

She clearly doesn’t give a shit about your feelings so just say no.

Original poster
namechangedforthis0194 · 02/03/2022 11:40

Thanks everyone I feel a bit better now!

@Beamur I go shopping every Monday and have offered to pick her up so she can get hers at the same time but shes never took me up on this!

@WouldIwasShookspeared I won't be able to do anything at all for 6 weeks because I am having a c-section so can't drive, DH has booked time off and I can see her asking him after a couple of weeks Hmm

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 02/03/2022 11:40

Time to get a bit tough with your mum, OP. Surely she can't expect you to do all these things when you have a newborn?

Gingernaut · 02/03/2022 11:44

I can't do it today, I can manage [random day of the week]

If only you had mentioned this sooner! I can do it on [random day of the week]

Sorry Mum, you'll have to get a taxi, if you'd told me a couple of days ago, I could have run you there.

twoshedsjackson · 02/03/2022 11:48

I didn't have this problem to the same extent, but after my mother was retired and widowed, she lost perspective a little; having had a lovely DH, also retired, she was used to a chauffeur service, and I think she hoped I would just slide into the vacant slot! I always helped when I could, but we had several tearful episodes where I just plain wasn't available! I found the solution suggested by other PP's was the way forward; I let her know when I was available, and then stood firm. When she tried to guilt trip me with how important the appointment was, I sympathised and tracked down a cab company!

SoonbeSpringtime · 02/03/2022 11:48

Respond no, but I can do it x or y, which do you prefer? And leave the ball in her court.

thesandwich · 02/03/2022 11:49

Does she have attendance allowance etc. now is a perfect time to get other help for her…. Age uk etc could take her shopping/ do shopping for her. Local carers association. Your county council website should have details of organisations to help.

Candleabra · 02/03/2022 11:49

If you keep doing it anyway then that’s why she keeps asking. She doesn’t listen to you, because she gets what she wants.
You need to say no. And mean it. Be prepared for sulks though.

SparklingLime · 02/03/2022 11:52

Stick to a rigid routine: “You know I shop on Mondays, I can get it then”. On Saturday: “have you got a list for when I’m shopping on Monday?” etc.

Needdoughnuts · 02/03/2022 11:52

I think your sibling needs to pick up some of the slack at the weekends especially as you won't be driving for a while.
And agree that there's no reason for her to stop asking if 9 times out of 10 you drop everything to help her.

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