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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want our colleagues to know

32 replies

Loijki · 01/03/2022 18:51

Not yet anyway!

Very very early beginnings of dating a director (in a different department)... I've made it clear I don't want any colleagues to know what's going on between us unless it develops into something serious. He has told me no one would even bat an eyelid but I'm not so sure?

AIBU for asking to keep it on the low?

OP posts:

MrsAukerman · 01/03/2022 18:54

I don't think letting colleagues know is great for very early days but it might need declaring at some point from a policy point of view so don't keep it under wraps for ages.

More importantly read the signals and be aware of the power imbalance in the relationship.
You're asking him to keep schtum for now and he's minimising. Keep an eye on that.

YoBeaches · 01/03/2022 18:55

Depends on whether there are any company policy conditions about dating colleagues, and whether she or he has form for dating staff and whether the relationship could put either you in a compromised position in terms of your career or integrity.

Lots of places ask for full Disclosure so worth checking.

But other than HR who would you really tell? You don't want to be idle office gossip surely.

Candleabra · 01/03/2022 18:58

Yes I was going to ask if you need to declare the relationship officially (not to the whole office of course, but to HR and your line managers). You need to find out the company policy.
Especially if he is a director.

Candleabra · 01/03/2022 18:59

He probably isn’t bothered because men generally aren’t adversely affected by office relationships. People do tend to judge women though. Sad but true.

Original poster

Loijki · 01/03/2022 19:00

No, I don't want to be gossip at all. That's why I'd rather us not really be seen together in the office. It's inappropriate surely? I'd rather keep it professional at work.

How can I look for power imbalance? I must admit, it is something that's crossed my mind because of how much higher in the company he is and how much he earns compared to me.

OP posts:

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 01/03/2022 19:05

OP: don't fool yourselves - office collegues see the signs - eye contact, body language, "chance" meetings in corridores, the tea kitchen, canteen or where ever, they'll be gossiping about it already behind your back - one huge reason never to start anything with a work colleague, especially when he is in such a position in the company. You can only be the loser here.

Moancup · 01/03/2022 19:08

How can you “look for a power imbalance”?! It’s already there, it’s inevitable! And it’s why he isn’t worried about people knowing. He won’t be judged in a negative way by anyone he cares about and it won’t be him that leaves if it all goes wrong.

ThatsALotOfPassionfruit · 01/03/2022 19:12

I absolutely would not be declaring it in the early days,

I would also be very very aware that if it goes tits up, you are inevitably going to be the one that suffers because people are twats.

How junior are you in relation to his directorship?

Original poster

Loijki · 01/03/2022 19:15

I'm in a management position, so a couple below.
I've messed my career up haven't I, in this company.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2022 19:19

@Loijki

I'm in a management position, so a couple below. I've messed my career up haven't I, in this company.

Possibly, but you can guarantee hasn't messed his up.

If it goes tits up and one of you feels you need to leave, it very probably won't be him.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2022 19:19

*he hasn't messed up

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 19:19

Not necessarily op, if you break up tomorrow it doesn't sound like he has power to screw you over. Although if you think he would try, he doesn't sound that great. Absolutely appropriate to keep any work relationships quiet until you're sure it's a thing.

Bear in mind tho that people will feel they've been lied to if you keep it secret too long. "omg I sagged Derek off last week and turns our Emma has been dating him for a year, I bet she told him" kinda thing

Power imbalance - him making all decisions, him ignoring your needs and opinions, him throwing his money and power around

buddylicious · 01/03/2022 19:20

My husband and I met at work and we found out that people were guessing and gossiping behind our back.

My husband (obviously partner at the time) suggested we just tell people and then there's nothing to gossip about.

He was right. Once we told people they weren't really that fussed!

averythinline · 01/03/2022 19:21

Not necessarily...if you stop it really early stage .....but possibly if its turning into something more and you can change companies i would....

I have known many couples start at work...but usually the only ones that have lasted /not had fallout have been approximately same level at the beginning......this can change and they have needed to be squeaky clean and declare but nearly all others failed

gogohm · 01/03/2022 19:23

Many people meet at work. I would say if it progresses do come clean fairly quickly or someone will guess/spot you and you will be gossiped about

FuzzyPuffling · 01/03/2022 19:24

I met my DH at work. Nobody guessed until we made it public some months later. I was the one in a senior position, but different departments.

Crimesean · 01/03/2022 19:27

If it's a really massive organisation where you have nothing to do with each other professionally it'll be fine.

However, if you do interact on the job then no-one can know. I've seen a few times how it can go wrong, and every single time the more junior female colleague has left. Never, ever has the male in a position of power suffered.

EdithWeston · 01/03/2022 19:28

@Loijki

I'm in a management position, so a couple below. I've messed my career up haven't I, in this company.

Well, that depends.

Are you both genuinely single? Is the age difference reasonable?

Is there no line management or input into any performance report on you?

If people think one (or both) of you is using the other, then yes, career damage can be terrible. But if you're a plausible couple, and there is no hint of nepotism or other unfairness in the workplace, then it might be OK.

But you are absolutely right that you need to wait until you're sure that it's a fairly steady relationship before the wider workplace finds out. If you go the distance, then all will be well. If it founders early, better no-one knows.

Are your departments truly separate, btw? Because if you do split up, what impact on your working life? Impact always falls harder on the more junior one.

TimeToMakeACupofTea · 01/03/2022 19:38

If it gets serious, I’d look for another job (or he should). It’s a recipe for disaster.

FangsForTheMemory · 01/03/2022 19:43

I had a manager in this situation and they managed to keep it quiet for several months. A lot depends on where you live and how big the town is. In a city it's easier.

Original poster

Loijki · 01/03/2022 19:48

Our departments rarely cross, there's no line management between us, both single and close in age.

I'll continue to see how it goes for the next month then suggest he is right and we should be open about it if all goes well

OP posts:

AngelinaFibres · 01/03/2022 19:52

@Loijki

I'm in a management position, so a couple below. I've messed my career up haven't I, in this company.

Sadly yes.

LadyLolaRuben · 01/03/2022 20:14

@Loijki

Our departments rarely cross, there's no line management between us, both single and close in age.

I'll continue to see how it goes for the next month then suggest he is right and we should be open about it if all goes well

You're completely separate then OP. I wouldn't rush telling colleagues until you are certain its a long term rock solid relationship. Its none of their business. If you break up and no one knows, there's no one to tell or gossip about you. Id be keeping it under wraps for a long time. If or when it does become common knowledge, I'd just be like "oh didnt you know? Yes its been a long time now". Make it old news like your colleagues are behind the times and feel out of touch

LadyLolaRuben · 01/03/2022 20:17

And if you manage it like my post above, no you haven't messed up your career or job. Lots of people meet through work. Its the best hours of our day and the best days of our life.

I would be careful though if he's keen or fine with all his colleagues knowing so early on.

How long have you been seeing him out of interest and how did the relationship come about? Im just trying to get an impression of him

tkwal · 01/03/2022 20:21

Colleagues don't need to know. It's not like he is your manager so there shouldn't be any power imbalance. What is your company's policy on relationships between staff members ?.I'm sure you both plan on being discreet but emphasise to him how much you feel this could impact on your career if things don't work out. I hope everything works out as you would wish

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