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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To complain about security guard or leave it?

40 replies

user1488791477 · 01/03/2022 17:25

Met my 11 year old son (year 6 at primary) from school today and he asked if he could walk home with his friend and if he could buy some sweets from the shop (Tesco express) on the way home, so I gave him a £2 to get some sweets and a drink. A short while later I had a call from one of the other Mum's that the security guard had stopped my son and said he hadn't paid for the sweets, took him back in where, after a bit of back and forth, the cashier confirmed he had paid for the 2 items he had and let him go. Other Mum called me because my son is diagnosed "high functioning" autistic and looked about to cry, so she knows this could lead to meltdown later where he was embarassed even though he did nothing wrong. My son absolutely hates attention of any kind on him, good or bad but any meltdown will come later when he's had time to process what happened.
My AIBU is - when I asked my son about it when he got home, he said the security guard had grabbed him by his backpack and pulled him back in the shop, hard enough that my son nearly fell backwards. Now I'm all for them checking if someone has paid for an item, and if they had stepped in front if him and told him they needed to check if he had paid I would be fine with it but surely when it comes to a child, they shouldn't be physically grabbing them? We've been working so hard to try and build up his independance and this could have a really detrimental affect on him but I appreciate they do not know he is autistic.
I'll be speaking to the other Mum later to see if they saw exactly what happened and agree with DS view of events, but if she confirms that's what happened

YABU - They had every right to grab him and escort him back to the tills
YANBU - they should not be laying hands on a child

OP posts:

Satingreenshutters · 01/03/2022 17:27

I would get it confirmed by the other mother and if it is like he explained I would most definitely complain. Your poor son, the humiliation of that! No way should it have been handled like that.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/03/2022 17:29

As you say, speak to the other woman that witnessed it first - if your son is autistic, could his perception of the event be a bit off? - Not doubting something happened, but would someone that isn't autistic have taken it the same way?
Sorry if clumsily worded, not v knowledgeable about autism.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/03/2022 17:32

They should not be laying hands on a child, even he was caught red-handed. You'd expect them to have had training on this.
I certainly would be complaining, especially as he had paid and the cashier backed him up on this. How fortunate that there were witnesses.
The fact that he is autistic doesn't really change anything, I suspect most children of that age would have been frightened to be manhandled like that.
Complain formally, asap. with the time, date etc. It's probably on CCTV.
Hope your son is OK.

Snaketime · 01/03/2022 17:32

If the other mum agrees then you need to call and speak to a manager and calmly tell them that you DS has told him something worrying about the way the security gaurd handled it and would it be possible for the manager to check the CCTV and tell you what happened. Or go in and ask face to face.

TeaForTiger · 01/03/2022 17:32

Wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me away from that shop!

I would go and speak to a manager. Note down everything they say, then email a complaint to head office.

I'd probably give the security guard a few choice words on my way out.

Original poster

user1488791477 · 01/03/2022 17:34

@ThinWomansBrain not clumisly worded at all, don't worry. His perception can often be different to what's actually happened, which is why I'm going to clarify with other Mum first so I don't go in all guns blazing, just in case.

OP posts:

LocalHobo · 01/03/2022 17:37

The shop is certain to have CCTV to be able to prove what did or didn't happen.
Tesco will want to know if a staff member is not acting appropriately so, should your DS's version of events be confirmed, I think you must take it further. Some people have no one to advocate for them so voicing genuine concern is vital.

WomblingWilma · 01/03/2022 17:42

I’d be down there straightaway! Absolutely disgraceful. Ask to speak to a manager and make a formal complaint. Poor lad. I’d take him with you if he’s up to it so he can see that it’s being dealt with.

AFAIK they should not be putting hands on anyone let alone almost making them fall over,

I have a DS with ASD and it will be difficult if not impossible to get him to go into a shop after that .

I’d also be making my feelings known very clearly to the security guard if he’s still there!

Original poster

user1488791477 · 01/03/2022 17:43

@DelphiniumBlue

They should not be laying hands on a child, even he was caught red-handed. You'd expect them to have had training on this. I certainly would be complaining, especially as he had paid and the cashier backed him up on this. How fortunate that there were witnesses. The fact that he is autistic doesn't really change anything, I suspect most children of that age would have been frightened to be manhandled like that. Complain formally, asap. with the time, date etc. It's probably on CCTV. Hope your son is OK.

Completely agree, DS being autistic doesn't really make a difference, I'd be just as angry if he wasn't, it's just this could set his progress back so much and I need to prepare for the mother of all melt downs that could come tonight from embarassment. I tried to call the shop but the number isn't working. Once I've double checked with other Mum, I'm going to go up there when my husband is home.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1488791477 · 01/03/2022 17:46

@WomblingWilma

AFAIK they should not be putting hands on anyone let alone almost making them fall over,

I have a DS with ASD and it will be difficult if not impossible to get him to go into a shop after that .

I’d also be making my feelings known very clearly to the security guard if he’s still there!

That's exactly my concern. We've been building him up and working on things like this to try and gain some more independance for secondary and it is very likely to have all been undone 😔

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 01/03/2022 17:48

The security guard is wrong on 2 accounts. He absolutely cannot pull your son back into the store and he shouldnt be speaking to him without a parent being present. Id be phoning or speaking to the Store manager, having been in that position myself i can tell you the manager will or should be mortified thats happened. The guard will belong to a guarding company though so not employed by Tescos direct & the manager wont be able to deal with him, he'll have to go via his security company. You need to find out who that is and insist that you get a response from them.

50DaysAF · 01/03/2022 17:53

I’d go down there either way and ask to see the CCTV.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/03/2022 17:55

Ask to see the cctv. Be prepared to hear your son was called and didn’t stop, which is why the security guard physically caught him, as that seems to be the norm from what I have seen.

Original poster

user1488791477 · 01/03/2022 17:57

@Ilikewinter

Oh really! I didn't know they were not even supposed to speak to him.

OP posts:

Agrudge · 01/03/2022 17:59

I'd go down and fund out what really happend before you kick off.

SoberSerena · 01/03/2022 18:00

Yanbu! They definitely shouldn't touch a child. It's actually pretty shaky ground when they touch adults. I'd probably report it tbh.

Agrudge · 01/03/2022 18:01

@user1488791477

I would take mumsnet advice with a pinch of salt

Agrudge · 01/03/2022 18:02

@SoberSerena

Yanbu! They definitely shouldn't touch a child. It's actually pretty shaky ground when they touch adults. I'd probably report it tbh.

Based on what?

Finfintytint · 01/03/2022 18:09

A civilian security guard has no more powers than you or I. He can take action if he knows an offence has been committed and he knows who is responsible ( through observing or watching remotely on cctv for example). He cannot just stop and search a person ( a police officer can based on suspicion). It was clarified that no theft took place so the guard was exceeding any common law power. I’d point that out to the store and ask them to justify the guard’s action on what lawful grounds.

FreakinFrankNFurter · 01/03/2022 18:19

A security guard only has the same power as an ordinary person. They can make a citizen's arrest using reasonable forcs e if a crime is being committed or has been committed and they suspect the person is responsible.

The security guard detained him when no crime was or had been committed. So had no right to use any force or to detain him

aloe987 · 01/03/2022 18:20

@TeaForTiger

Wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me away from that shop!

I would go and speak to a manager. Note down everything they say, then email a complaint to head office.

I'd probably give the security guard a few choice words on my way out.

Completely agree. I would also want my son to know that I have stood up for him by challenging the awful behaviour of the security guard.

FreakinFrankNFurter · 01/03/2022 18:21

Sorry cross post with finfintytint. I was typing a message but got distracted!

Original poster

user1488791477 · 01/03/2022 19:44

So it seems we have a perception issue. Other Mum says security guard tapped his bag to get his attention as he was leaving (was too busy talking and didn't hear the s.g calling out) and asked him back in. DS is quite clumsy so the "pull" causing him to nearly fall, seems it was more startle reflex and just sheer clumsiness. I won't be raising a complaint, she said the shop was really busy and it's a new security guard who was probably trying really hard to be extra vigilant but just unfortunately my son got caught in a mix up. Good job I checked before going in or that would've been embarassing. Also have spoken with DS about his perception and not exaggerating

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 01/03/2022 20:21

So all the people ready to verbally abuse the shop staff, make complaints, raise hell etc etc.

Now you've done that, and found it didn't happen... what's your next steps?

MichelleScarn · 01/03/2022 20:22

And kudos to @user1488791477 for being sensible!

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