AIBU to be angry at friend?

[sunshineandshadow]

A friend has been looking for work and the company I work at was recruiting for one role in another department to mine. I spoke to my friend about the job vacancy, the days and hours required and what the role would involve. As my company runs an employee referral scheme I recommended my friend when she said she would like the job. She went through the normal selection process, interview, assessment days etc and was the successful candidate so was offered the job on the days and hours advertised and that I had told her.

I have now found out that she has declined the job offer, her reason to me is she does not want a job working that number of hours.

AIBU to be really annoyed that she has not only mucked the company around but by me introducing her and recommending her made me look completely stupid to management. Am I wrong in thinking no true friend would have done this?

It would piss me off to be honest. Have you asked her what's changed as she had all the information
Thay would sway me

I had a friend do something similar. She came and did a trial, I was on holiday the last day of her trial. She didn't turn up to work the last day and put a letter through my home letterbox saying she didn't want to work there after all. I was extremely annoyed that she did that, I had to drop the letter off at work on my day off and I felt pretty awkward. If she'd explained why it didn't suit her in person I wouldn't have been so annoyed, we were not very close after that.

Nothing has changed she just said she didn't want to work the hours. As I'm a manager in a different department in the company to the one she would have been working in and I'm in line for a promotion, I'm annoyed that her mucking the company about like this after I recommended her could have a detrimental impact on my promotion chances now. I could never do this to a friend.

I have now found out that she has declined the job offer, her reason to me is she does not want a job working that number of hours.

That's her reason to you but it may not be the true reason and if this is your reaction, I can see why she may not want to share a work environment with you. Also: your friend doesn't have to sacrifice what she wants and what works for her to make you look good. YABU. And snotty.

Also, if you're good enough at your job, your friend turning down a position at the company doesn't affect your chance at promotion. You're very OTT.

People decline job offers all the time, it is nothing an employer won’t be able to deal with. Of course your friend should not accept a job that she has decided is not right for her just to keep you happy. Get over yourself.

You’re overreacting. An interview is about the candidate assessing whether they want to work for the company as much as it is the company deciding whether they want the candidate to work for them. A candidate is entitled to review information they already knew when they applied and decide the job doesn’t suit them after all. Your company will (should) be used to candidates turning down an offer, for all kinds of reasons. If they think your friend doing so is any reflection on you and your work, the problem is that they are a poor employer, not that your friend decided she didn’t want to work there.

@BatshitBanshee

I have now found out that she has declined the job offer, her reason to me is she does not want a job working that number of hours.

That's her reason to you but it may not be the true reason and if this is your reaction, I can see why she may not want to share a work environment with you. Also: your friend doesn't have to sacrifice what she wants and what works for her to make you look good. YABU. And snotty.

We would not have been working together the job was a different department and different location. I certainly do not expect anyone to sacrifice what they want or what works for them to make me look good but likewise I don't expect a friend to make me look bad either, to me that isn't what friends do. I don't see it's being snotty to expect a friend not to muck around if you are recommending them for a job they said they wanted??

I get how you feel OP, and in your shoes I'd feel miffed too.
Chalk it up to experience, don't talk about it to anyone any more and if anyone at work brings it up just be noncommittal.

We have a similar scheme and while i was recruited under in by a friend, it's not something i would ever feel comfortable doing myself, even though there's a nice bonus for every person you "recruit" who gets through the probation period

I don't expect a friend to make me look bad either, to me that isn't what friends do. I don't see it's being snotty to expect a friend not to muck around if you are recommending them for a job they said they wanted??

She may have felt differently after going through the process. I know in the past I have felt differently about companies having gone through their interview process. But this really isn't about you at all - you recommended her, she said no. Are you always so precious? Would you prefer her to take a job she didn't want or was happy with just to keep you happy? Bizarre behaviour and very immature.

Whenever I’ve suggested someone for a role I’ve always made it clear to the manager that I know the person in a social setting so can’t offer any insight as to their work ethic. Basically I can vouch they speak in sentences and don’t appear to be insane and nothing more.

I’m not sure why you’re fixated on it making you look bad. You referred somebody who you felt was capable and competent enough to work in the role. You were right: your friend was successful enough to be offered it. It’s not as if you referred somebody who turned up late and drunk to the first interview, told the interviewers she had no idea why you’d referred her, and then said she wouldn’t want to work with you anyway.

You made them a good recommendation who then decided the role didn’t suit her after all. This is totally normal in recruitment.

So almost everyone I know has had some form of this happen to them. Including me.
Mine was a direct report from my old team. He was v keen to move with me when I left. New team had an open role - I was clear he needed to be serious and not dick about looking for a counter offer.
He accepted the job and 3 weeks before his start date... THEN decided to decline. The day be did this was my first day at the job and big boss was very much at me for my first week.

I refuse to refer people now for this reason.

@Brefugee

I get how you feel OP, and in your shoes I'd feel miffed too. Chalk it up to experience, don't talk about it to anyone any more and if anyone at work brings it up just be noncommittal.

We have a similar scheme and while i was recruited under in by a friend, it's not something i would ever feel comfortable doing myself, even though there's a nice bonus for every person you "recruit" who gets through the probation period

It's the first time in the 25 years I've worked there that I've recommended anyone and to be honest I don't think I'd do it again now. If a friend wants to apply to work at the company they can do it just as any other candidate with no involvement from me.

Thank you for the advice, unless anyone mentions it to me I will say nothing.

She hasn't done anything wrong. I've applied for a job advertised as full time and when offered negotiated part time which was agreed. It's not that unusual to discuss hours after being offered and if you're not happy decline the offer.

@BatshitBanshee

I don't expect a friend to make me look bad either, to me that isn't what friends do. I don't see it's being snotty to expect a friend not to muck around if you are recommending them for a job they said they wanted??

She may have felt differently after going through the process. I know in the past I have felt differently about companies having gone through their interview process. But this really isn't about you at all - you recommended her, she said no. Are you always so precious? Would you prefer her to take a job she didn't want or was happy with just to keep you happy? Bizarre behaviour and very immature.

No I wouldn't want her to take a job she doesn't want or would be happy with. If she wasn't happy after going through the selection process why not just say I don't think it's a good fit for me so I'm going to decline the offer? It's the reason she has given thats annoyed me but I accept that it may not be the reason she gave to the company. I don't think it's being precious not to want to waste my time or my companies time recommending people for jobs that they aren't serious about taking if her reason to me is the actual reason she declined the job when she had all that information before applying.

I don't think it's being precious not to want to waste my time or my companies time recommending people for jobs that they aren't serious about taking if her reason to me is the actual reason she declined the job when she had all that information before applying.

But she could have been serious and then it just didn't work for her. It really isn't about you. And as I gather from your OP, you actually spoke to her first about it, she didn't approach you. She didn't seek this out, she didn't pursue you for it, she didn't badger you, she didn't twist your arm. You told her about it, you recommended her for it and she declined after going through the process. You're still being massively, massively unreasonable.

I’d be annoyed and would feel it did reflect on me. Of course she shouldn’t take the job if she’s changed her mind but in her position I’d be apologising profusely both to you and the firm for the inconvenience. I’d have at least made up a good excuse to give to the firm and told you the real reason. In your position although I wouldn’t badmouth her I wouldn’t think twice about saying I was unimpressed with her actions if it was mentioned at work.

Your friend should be making her employment decisions based on what works for her, not what suits you best! I'm unsure why anyone would even ask this!

@Savvysix1984

She hasn't done anything wrong. I've applied for a job advertised as full time and when offered negotiated part time which was agreed. It's not that unusual to discuss hours after being offered and if you're not happy decline the offer.

I've done this too. They couldn't offer me what I wanted (I made this clear at interview) but offered me the position anyway which I declined. There were other reasons in this case, it looked like I'd be swapping one shitty manager for another (terrible phone skills and communication) so it made the decision easier.

I also doubt it will reflect on you at all, why would her decision to decline the offer be a bad reflection? For all they know she could've had a different offer or if she told them why she declined then it's an entirely reasonable reason. Also surely whoever was giving th job offers has a list of potential candidates to contact to offer the job, they'll just move down the list.

I really don’t think it should reflect on you. You aren’t responsible for her actions.

It’s annoying but these things happen

A similar thing happened to me. I recommended a good friend for a job in a different department to me.
She got the job, started work, seemed to be enjoying it.
She applied for holiday leave. It was declined, so she went off sick, and came back with a sun tan from her holiday abroad. She lost her job and left me feeling stupid. Never did it again.

You’ve worked there 25 years and you think that one recommendation that led to turning down a job (which candidates do all the time) is going to screw your promotion chances?

You’re nuts!

Your friend didn’t decline to piss you about. You can change your mind about the hours you want to work, or use that as an excuse to cover another reason to your friend.

Your reaction when you’ve been there 25 years is actually really quite odd.

@Yoyokitten

A similar thing happened to me. I recommended a good friend for a job in a different department to me. She got the job, started work, seemed to be enjoying it. She applied for holiday leave. It was declined, so she went off sick, and came back with a sun tan from her holiday abroad. She lost her job and left me feeling stupid. Never did it again.

I don’t think that’s similar though. Taking a job and behaving unprofessionally is embarrassing for the person personally recommending them. But it’s different to declining a job offer, which happens all the time.

Lots of people are offered jobs but decline them after due consideration. Sounds like your friend weighed it up and decided it wasn’t right for her after all.

Not sure I’d be annoyed with a friend for doing this - it’s their choice and their future.