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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry at friend?

46 replies

sunshineandshadow · 01/03/2022 10:51

A friend has been looking for work and the company I work at was recruiting for one role in another department to mine. I spoke to my friend about the job vacancy, the days and hours required and what the role would involve. As my company runs an employee referral scheme I recommended my friend when she said she would like the job. She went through the normal selection process, interview, assessment days etc and was the successful candidate so was offered the job on the days and hours advertised and that I had told her.

I have now found out that she has declined the job offer, her reason to me is she does not want a job working that number of hours.

AIBU to be really annoyed that she has not only mucked the company around but by me introducing her and recommending her made me look completely stupid to management. Am I wrong in thinking no true friend would have done this?

OP posts:

peachy3 · 01/03/2022 12:30

YANBU, don’t ever recommend friends for a job no matter what. I’ve been there, got my friends a job in the warehouse of a place I used to work in after he was starting to panic when he got made redundant from his previous job and had no steady income. As soon as he started he was lazy and useless for the entire 3 weeks he was there. My boss had to have an awkward talk with me to say we’re going to have to let him go as it would take around 4 other members of staff to get him to do something and he wasn’t putting in the effort at all. I honestly agreed with my boss but I felt so embarrassed as I’d really pushed for him to be hired only for him to disrespect what I had done for him to help him out. Needless to say we don’t speak anymore.

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 12:34

I'd rather she decline the offer at interview stage than start working there and leave after a few months. That'd definitely be worse.

I'd be annoyed that I'd wasted my time but not that she'd gone through the process and decided it wasn't right for her.

RoseGoldEagle · 01/03/2022 12:35

You're massively overthinking this! You put forward someone you thought would be good and it seemed the company agreed as they offered her the job- based on her skills, interview etc, not just on you recommendation. She turned the job down, which happens every day- maybe she'd applied for several jobs and got offered a better one, maybe she didn't like the people interviewing her. Or maybe she thought she could make those hours work but changed her mind, or something changed where she is now and she decided to stay after all. There are loads of reasons she could have turned it down, none of which reflect on you in the slightest.

KrisAkabusi · 01/03/2022 12:41

I think you're taking this far too personally. There could be any of number of reasons why she turned the job down, including having weighed everything up and deciding the hours don't suit. There's nothing wrong with that. I can't see how this will affect you to the level that you think it will. You recommended someone, it didn't work out. SO what? It happens all the time.

Supersimkin2 · 01/03/2022 13:06

YABU. You’ve done a great job at work introducing a good new hire.

You did your friend a huge favour.

Pat on back. Hardly your fault she didn’t take the job.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/03/2022 13:10

Perhaps she doesn’t think the job is for her, but doesn’t want to go into the detail with you.

It’s not unusual for people to turn jobs down so I don’t think anyone will be especially pissed off.

I understand you are annoyed but you’re worrying far too much, these things happen. If you have a good rep it isn’t going to have an impact on you. Just let it go and move on.

cadburyegg · 01/03/2022 13:12

YABU she is allowed to reject a job for whatever reason she chooses. Maybe she realised that it was too many hours. It doesn't make you "look bad" at all. 🙄

searchingforpeace · 01/03/2022 13:28

I think you have to not take this personally. She has her reasons, which may or may not be what she told you. People decline offers all the time. I would never ever think poorly of someone who recommended someone who did this. It’s life! Circumstances change.

OnTheBoardwalk · 01/03/2022 13:39

I had the same, a friend approached me, went through a substantial interview process then quit after 6 weeks

What annoyed me most was she said one of the reasons she was quitting was how they had treated me for a non related issue, 6 months earlier I’d told her about!

StanleyGreen · 01/03/2022 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Womencanlift · 01/03/2022 14:03

YABU (and yes a little bit precious) to think that this will mess up your promotion. That is very unlikely to be a criteria when considering promotions and it is also very unlikely that the people deciding in your or promotion will have any idea that you even recommended someone.

They certainly wouldn’t know in my company as the referral scheme deals directly with HR and the business area interviewers have no idea how that person came into the process (recommendation/application/head hunted etc)

BatshitBanshee · 01/03/2022 14:30

@StanleyGreen is that the best you can do?

Babadook76 · 01/03/2022 14:32

I agree with you op. This is why I’d never recommend anyone for a job. The only time I did was years ago and they failed to even turn up to the interview. I was so embarrassed

junglejane66 · 01/03/2022 15:18

Sounds very ungrateful, even if she didnt want it she should have still accepted it, plus you'll miss out on your finders fee.

billy1966 · 01/03/2022 15:21

People often go through the application process and decline a job because it doesn't suit them.

You are allowed to be a bit miffed if you want but to say that it could affect a promotion in a job you have been for 25 years is a bit hysterical to put it mildly!

If she is a good friend, accept it and move on.

By all means do not recommend anyone again.

Migrainesbythedozen · 01/03/2022 15:50

OP you haven't said if you told her how disappointed and upset you are with her mucking you and the company around and making you look foolish. ? If so what was her response?

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/03/2022 16:44

If it is literally just the hours that are the problem, but she knew all along what the hours were, then yes, she has been a bit flaky and should have given it more thought. But ultimately, all she has done is change her mind. I don’t see how that’s a reflection on your professionalism. As others have said, they offered her the job - they must have agreed with you that she was a suitable candidate.

As I'm a manager in a different department in the company to the one she would have been working in and I'm in line for a promotion, I'm annoyed that her mucking the company about like this after I recommended her could have a detrimental impact on my promotion chances now. I could never do this to a friend.

I honestly don’t think someone else changing their mind about a job would be seen as a black mark against you. Once she’d decided the hours weren’t right after all, the only way she could avoid ‘doing this to you’ would be to take a job she doesn’t want and plough on. Who would do that?

Womencanlift · 01/03/2022 16:55

@junglejane66

Sounds very ungrateful, even if she didnt want it she should have still accepted it, plus you'll miss out on your finders fee.

What? Someone should accept a job so someone else can get a finders fee? Bonkers!

Lots of factors could have led to the friend changing her mind. Why should she accept a job that doesn’t work with her so the OP gets a fee?

Cocomarine · 01/03/2022 16:59

@junglejane66

Sounds very ungrateful, even if she didnt want it she should have still accepted it, plus you'll miss out on your finders fee.

Are you quite mad? Why on Earth would she accept it if she didn’t want it?!! 🤣

Candleabra · 01/03/2022 17:05

I don’t think it makes you look bad. You’re not responsible after the initial contact has been made.
But I also think the hours are just an excuse. She probably didn’t like something else but didn’t want to offend you.
Better she turns it down now than in a few months.,

Original poster

sunshineandshadow · 01/03/2022 22:55

Thanks for all the responses. No I haven't told my friend how I feel as I don't believe that would be fair and I do value our friendship and wasn't sure if I was right to feel the way I did hence posting on here for opinions which have been mixed but appreciated.

I would never expect her to take a job she did not want and certainly not so I could get a finders fee, the fee wasn't why I'd recommended her anyway. I went out for a meal with her tonight as we always do on a Tuesday and she bought the subject up and told me that the assessments she had to do were carried out by her would be manager (who I haven't met) and that something just felt "off" to her so she declined the offer. She said she hadn't wanted to tell me that in a message so said it was the hours. It was the declining on hours that I didn't understand as she had been fully aware of what they would be. Now she has told me the real reason I understand why she declined the role and would have done the same.

Again thanks for all the responses, it was good to get outside opinions.

OP posts:

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