I've had a difficult relationship with MIL since my relationship with DH began. In the beginning, she was very pushy, kept going on about us getting married and specifying what decisions she would want to be in charge of making in return for financial help. In the end it got so much that we postponed the wedding and then unexpectedly got pregnant a few months later so we had a very small, simple wedding a few years later. Mainly to stop MILs meddling. Then it was comments about money and her asking extremely nosey questions about my (v poor) family's wealth and comparing it to her own wealthy gains over the years. It was very uncomfortable.
When our children came along, she thought she was going to be a second mother to them and she criticised many of my parenting choices, lots of snide, sarcastic comments. Lots of rude comments about my own family. She began to compete with me. If DH told her what gift I was planning to buy them for Christmas or a birthday, she would buy it first and present it to them. FIL was equally as possessive of my children and they expected so many visits a week- I became nothing more than a vessel for producing their grandchildren. Completely ignored but expected to release my children into their care regularly. They would then ignore their routines, feed them foods you wouldn't feed a baby and became offended by any instructions I gave them. She was obsessed with giving them water despite all advice not to prior to 6 months. It was draining and caused me a great deal of mental distress.
She then started meddling in our finances, turned up at our meeting with the building society having not been invited... I then fell out with her.
It's been a long road over a period of 10 years, some NC, arguments with DH. He used to defend her "clumsiness" a lot, as he used to perceive it. But I've got to a point where I can tolerate her in my life through me grey rocking her. Both her and FIL know very little about me now. I am not myself in their company at all and it takes a lot of energy making myself watch what I'm saying during each visit. My marriage with DH has improved tremendously since grey rocking them as he is a bit oblivious and provided I'm not complaining about them, he thinks we're all getting along.
However, things have become a bit complicated more recently as it has been requested that we go on holiday with his parents 😱. Now I can't grey rock for an entire week! They are wanting to pay for it etc and I'm expected to go, but I have said no to DH.
He has accepted my decision but I feel so guilty about it! Of course, DCs and him could go without me but the youngest is only 2 and has only ever been away from me for one night. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that at all. And why should I put myself through that because of her past behaviour? But the guilt... the guilt is all consuming.
AIBU to say no?