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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mil one

48 replies

Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 14:36

Hello everyone! Just posting in this one as well for a little more traffic!

This will probably be quite a lengthy one but to cut a long story short, me and my MIL don't get on, we used to but we don't anymore she never really accepted the fact her son grew up, got married, had children, I'm just seen as the evil one who 'took him away'...

After having children we did try to clear the air, multiple times, sitting down and talking, we tried to be civil but in all honesty it just really doesn't work, there's always some kind of issue.
His family are really petty towards me, and bitter and in all honestly I just don't want that in my life, nor do I really have time for it!
I really don't know how to handle this situation. My husband is very laid back about things, but I know when he's received messages from them trying to make him feel bad it does get to him.
I respect that his family are my husbands family, but it seems they really don't accept or respect me as my husbands wife, and mother of his children.
The last time we went to visit them was before Christmas, his grandma actually shouted at me in front of my own children over something so silly, me and my husband were both just stunned and took back she would do that, as no matter what issue there is we've always been fine in front of the children! I
My children and husband had Christmas presents all nicely wrapped in ribbon ect, in nice gift bags with gift tags, and the gift i had got wasn't wrapped at all, no gift bag or tag ect just very very petty.
My birthday is 2 days after Christmas and there was no card or even a happy birthday message to my husband from any of them, which no matter what I've always got them cards because it's just a card right?
Ever since that visit my husband had made no conversations to me about visiting them ect, I don't bring it up or ask about it because I don't feel like it's my place to ask, and to be honest It doesn't phase me going anyway.
My children are 1 and 2 and my almost 1 year old has met them a couple of times, my almost 2 year old has met them maybe 5 or 6 times.
This has never been brought up but the idea of him taking the children and me just staying home I don't feel comfortable with either as I really don't trust them, but I don't know if this has to be the only way round it? Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle it, or any experience they can share?
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you all have a lovely day xx

OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 28/02/2022 18:22

If it's not been brought up, keep it that way. And if it is, say they are far too young. And grey rock them if you have to meet.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:37

@ThatsAllFolks

If it's not been brought up, keep it that way. And if it is, say they are far too young. And grey rock them if you have to meet.
You mean far to young to go without me? Thank you for replying to me x
OP posts:
WhiteXmas21 · 28/02/2022 19:45

Unless your husband starts pushing for you to visit, I would just ignore them. As pp says, don’t bring it up, don’t volunteer, and don’t suggest he goes without you.
Sounds like he is embarrassed by them. Either way, if they cannot be civil, just don’t see them.
Sorry they are being such shits.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:52

@WhiteXmas21

Unless your husband starts pushing for you to visit, I would just ignore them. As pp says, don’t bring it up, don’t volunteer, and don’t suggest he goes without you. Sounds like he is embarrassed by them. Either way, if they cannot be civil, just don’t see them. Sorry they are being such shits.
That's what I was unsure of also! Wondering if I should mention why we haven't been in so long but I think your defiantly right in keeping my mouth zipped on the topicGrin I think he knows if he's to bring up going there's going to be some kind of drama attached to it, and he's very easy going.. anything for a quiet easy life! I'm just not sure what to even say or do when the time does come where he mentions about visitingHmmxx
OP posts:
WhiteXmas21 · 02/03/2022 16:38

Mmm. When that time comes, I think you two need to have a calm conversation about it. You remind him of what he has seen in their treatment of you; you tell him you don’t want to be around that.
As to your dc, then I guess I would just be telling him that I am not happy with my DC being around people who have so little respect for their mum.
I am not sure I would try to stop him as such, but I would not go out of my way to facilitate it.
I hear you that he is laid back. But I would tell him I expect him to stand up for me, to have my back.
Hope it gets better for you 💐

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 02/03/2022 22:17

@WhiteXmas21

Mmm. When that time comes, I think you two need to have a calm conversation about it. You remind him of what he has seen in their treatment of you; you tell him you don’t want to be around that. As to your dc, then I guess I would just be telling him that I am not happy with my DC being around people who have so little respect for their mum. I am not sure I would try to stop him as such, but I would not go out of my way to facilitate it. I hear you that he is laid back. But I would tell him I expect him to stand up for me, to have my back. Hope it gets better for you 💐
After a conversation with my friend I'm starting to think now my children really shouldn't be around them until they can show me respect and treat me equally for the childrens sake atleast! X
OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 02/03/2022 22:20

I agree with your conclusion too OP

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/03/2022 22:22

In my experience your DH will say ‘I’m visiting MIL on Sunday’ and you reply ‘I’d rather not go, I’ll stay home’

He won’t even think to take the children.

So you don’t need to have a discussion.

Otherwise, what you need to do is turn it round - don’t make the issue about your MIL.

You need to speak about how you feel,

I don’t feel comfortable at their house
I feel hurt when I go there
I get upset being in their company

So you put you first.

Catflapkitkat · 03/03/2022 02:24

I agree with Bluebells above, I think that is the way it will to. To their shame, it doesn't sound as if they are interested in their grandchildren, so he will end up going there himself.

What happened with the grandmother shouting at you? How did it get that far on a Christmas visit?

Arabellla · 03/03/2022 04:27

no matter what I've always got them cards because it's just a card right?

I would stop sending the cards. Let DH send them if he wants to. It’s not ‘just a card’, it’s a message to them that it’s ok to treat you badly.

Ever since that visit my husband had made no conversations to me about visiting them ect, I don't bring it up or ask about it because I don't feel like it's my place to ask, and to be honest It doesn't phase me going anyway.

It’s good he hasn’t brought up visiting. It’s not about it not being your place, it’s about you or you children should not be in a place eherebtheir mother is being treated badly.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 06:51

If you're not good enough for them why would you let your children go? Why are they ok but you're treated like shit? No. DH can go on his own your children don't need to be bought into an environment where their own mother is hated.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/03/2022 07:26

If this all happened two months, and your husband hasn't brought it up at all, why are you now asking about this?

No plans have been made. They haven't requested to see the children without you. Are you just stirring the pot? Just leave it.

Billandben444 · 03/03/2022 07:40

Let him do his thing with his family and step away. If he can't stand up for you to them then he doesn't deserve you or the children having any relationship with them - and stop sending cards, it's his shitty family fhs!

CheshireCats · 03/03/2022 07:51

I feel like there's a big backstory here we don't know...
Either way, you have not described anything in your post that indicates the children would be in danger with your Mil, so you cannot prevent your husband (who has equal parental responsibility) from taking the kids to see his parents. That would be controlling behaviour.
You would also be preventing your children from having a set of grandparents.
Don't go yourself by all means, but let your husband take the kids by himself if he wishes.

ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 08:01

Completely disagree with @CheshireCats. I wouldn't let them go either. It's not controlling behaviour it's protecting them

MrsCat1 · 03/03/2022 08:07

I completely agree with @CheshireCats We need to know much more about this. And you need to talk to your husband about this.

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2022 08:12

@ElsieLappin

Completely disagree with *@CheshireCats*. I wouldn't let them go either. It's not controlling behaviour it's protecting them
What’s it protecting them from? I agree with Cheshirecats too.
ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 08:22

@Blossomtoes seeing bullying behaviour. Who in their right mind thinks they can behave like that without consequences?
It's not acceptable and not healthy for children to witness..I'd stop it until they knew how to behave politely to all the family
Children notice more than we realise

Blossomtoes · 03/03/2022 08:25

[quote ElsieLappin]@Blossomtoes seeing bullying behaviour. Who in their right mind thinks they can behave like that without consequences?
It's not acceptable and not healthy for children to witness..I'd stop it until they knew how to behave politely to all the family
Children notice more than we realise[/quote]
There wouldn’t be any “bullying behaviour” if OP wasn’t there, would there?

ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 08:32

@Blossomtoes, I would place money in the fact they'd still be digs but that's not the point
The fact is they should be respectful and polite to everyone and until they do I wouldn't want my children around people who think being mean is acceptable
Grandparents/family or friends the relationship doesn't top trump that

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:01

@BluebellsGreenbells

In my experience your DH will say ‘I’m visiting MIL on Sunday’ and you reply ‘I’d rather not go, I’ll stay home’

He won’t even think to take the children.

So you don’t need to have a discussion.

Otherwise, what you need to do is turn it round - don’t make the issue about your MIL.

You need to speak about how you feel,

I don’t feel comfortable at their house
I feel hurt when I go there
I get upset being in their company

So you put you first.

Very good point! Thank you!! X
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:09

@Catflapkitkat

I agree with Bluebells above, I think that is the way it will to. To their shame, it doesn't sound as if they are interested in their grandchildren, so he will end up going there himself.

What happened with the grandmother shouting at you? How did it get that far on a Christmas visit?

It was over something so ridiculous, my son was sleeping in his pushchair and they was telling me to wake him up, I said he's not very well Ill leave him to sleep a little but I'm sure he'll wake up before we leave and she shouted at me telling me that was unfair and why not wake him up... to which I replied please don't shout in front of the children (my 2y old was awake) and she the proceeded to shout ' X her husbands name X she won't even talk about it she won't even talk about it' I didn't think it was that much of a big deal! Fair enough if she didn't agree with me, no problem I don't expect people to always agree, but it was more the fact she shouted at me around the children and when I asked her not to shout she continued! Me and my husband were both took back by her carry on!
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:10

@Arabellla

no matter what I've always got them cards because it's just a card right?

I would stop sending the cards. Let DH send them if he wants to. It’s not ‘just a card’, it’s a message to them that it’s ok to treat you badly.

Ever since that visit my husband had made no conversations to me about visiting them ect, I don't bring it up or ask about it because I don't feel like it's my place to ask, and to be honest It doesn't phase me going anyway.

It’s good he hasn’t brought up visiting. It’s not about it not being your place, it’s about you or you children should not be in a place eherebtheir mother is being treated badly.

Completely agree with you! If he buys a card though do I just let him sign my name or leave me off? How would you approach that
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:11

@KindlyKanga

If you're not good enough for them why would you let your children go? Why are they ok but you're treated like shit? No. DH can go on his own your children don't need to be bought into an environment where their own mother is hated.
This thread has really made me realise your right! Thank you!
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:12

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

If this all happened two months, and your husband hasn't brought it up at all, why are you now asking about this?

No plans have been made. They haven't requested to see the children without you. Are you just stirring the pot? Just leave it.

There's no pot? I was just asking for a little advice as it's been a long time since we have seen them I had a gut feeling he was going to bring it up soon which is why I asked for a little advice, that's what this website is for a though? Sorry if I've offended you.
OP posts:
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