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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A mil one

48 replies

Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 14:36

Hello everyone! Just posting in this one as well for a little more traffic!

This will probably be quite a lengthy one but to cut a long story short, me and my MIL don't get on, we used to but we don't anymore she never really accepted the fact her son grew up, got married, had children, I'm just seen as the evil one who 'took him away'...

After having children we did try to clear the air, multiple times, sitting down and talking, we tried to be civil but in all honesty it just really doesn't work, there's always some kind of issue.
His family are really petty towards me, and bitter and in all honestly I just don't want that in my life, nor do I really have time for it!
I really don't know how to handle this situation. My husband is very laid back about things, but I know when he's received messages from them trying to make him feel bad it does get to him.
I respect that his family are my husbands family, but it seems they really don't accept or respect me as my husbands wife, and mother of his children.
The last time we went to visit them was before Christmas, his grandma actually shouted at me in front of my own children over something so silly, me and my husband were both just stunned and took back she would do that, as no matter what issue there is we've always been fine in front of the children! I
My children and husband had Christmas presents all nicely wrapped in ribbon ect, in nice gift bags with gift tags, and the gift i had got wasn't wrapped at all, no gift bag or tag ect just very very petty.
My birthday is 2 days after Christmas and there was no card or even a happy birthday message to my husband from any of them, which no matter what I've always got them cards because it's just a card right?
Ever since that visit my husband had made no conversations to me about visiting them ect, I don't bring it up or ask about it because I don't feel like it's my place to ask, and to be honest It doesn't phase me going anyway.
My children are 1 and 2 and my almost 1 year old has met them a couple of times, my almost 2 year old has met them maybe 5 or 6 times.
This has never been brought up but the idea of him taking the children and me just staying home I don't feel comfortable with either as I really don't trust them, but I don't know if this has to be the only way round it? Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle it, or any experience they can share?
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you all have a lovely day xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:13

@Billandben444

Let him do his thing with his family and step away. If he can't stand up for you to them then he doesn't deserve you or the children having any relationship with them - and stop sending cards, it's his shitty family fhs!

I do agree now this has really made me see sense! Would you say I should keep my name of the card he sends? How would you go about that?

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:15

@ElsieLappin

Completely disagree with *@CheshireCats*. I wouldn't let them go either. It's not controlling behaviour it's protecting them

100% agree now. If they cannot be respectful to me as the mother around the children then it's damaging for them to be around that!

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:16

@CheshireCats

I feel like there's a big backstory here we don't know... Either way, you have not described anything in your post that indicates the children would be in danger with your Mil, so you cannot prevent your husband (who has equal parental responsibility) from taking the kids to see his parents. That would be controlling behaviour. You would also be preventing your children from having a set of grandparents. Don't go yourself by all means, but let your husband take the kids by himself if he wishes.

If there was a huge back story then I would of added this to my post, I just thought it was long enough without adding every detail

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:21

@MrsCat1

I completely agree with *@CheshireCats* We need to know much more about this. And you need to talk to your husband about this.

There's no huge back story... my post was long enough without including every little detail that happened before we had children. But since you ask. Here's a small in-site She was very controlling over my husband when he lived at home, couldn’t even nip to the shops without her asking when he would be home. Going out for dinner with friends she would be asking a grown ass man do you not think it’s to late for you to be out now? We went on our first holiday, she wanted flight details, to pack his suit case, she wanted to be involved some how. She used to shout at my husband over silly things treating him like a child, she emontially blackmailed him when we decided to buy our first home trying to guilt trip him tk not leave, I was called every name under the sun for taking him away. I was told I ruined her family she belittled me so much into this 'home wrecker' I had a real tough time dealing with how she had painted me out to be! My husband was fully on my side over this, and actually cut her off for a little while. They made up but still I have never really been accepted

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:22

[quote ElsieLappin]@Blossomtoes, I would place money in the fact they'd still be digs but that's not the point
The fact is they should be respectful and polite to everyone and until they do I wouldn't want my children around people who think being mean is acceptable
Grandparents/family or friends the relationship doesn't top trump that[/quote]
100% agree

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Chely · 03/03/2022 14:35

If they can't be nice to you then don't go and don't send dh alone with the kids either. You are a package deal.
My in laws have been bloody awful about me behind my back and to my face in the past, we have been NC for long periods due to it. They didn't make any effort to remember my birthday for several years and thanked dh for their cards and presents that I took the time to buy for them, eventually I told him he had to sort it for his side as I was sick of doing it.

Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 14:41

@Chely

If they can't be nice to you then don't go and don't send dh alone with the kids either. You are a package deal. My in laws have been bloody awful about me behind my back and to my face in the past, we have been NC for long periods due to it. They didn't make any effort to remember my birthday for several years and thanked dh for their cards and presents that I took the time to buy for them, eventually I told him he had to sort it for his side as I was sick of doing it.

This thread has really made me see the light! I agree we're a package! And if they mistreat me they hurt us all. Until they can learn to put there differences aside and treat me with respect and equality on holidays and birthdays etc just for the children's sake me and the children stay away. My husband obviously I don't begrudge him going at all, but I won't have the children see me getting treated poorly and unequally x

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JudgeJ · 03/03/2022 15:02

@ElsieLappin

Completely disagree with *@CheshireCats*. I wouldn't let them go either. It's not controlling behaviour it's protecting them

Of course it would be controlling, he has as much right as the OP to decide what the children do, they can't be weaponised by the mother in her relationship with her in laws.

ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 15:22

@JudgeJ, it's not weaponising, it's defusing. Big difference

Thinkingblonde · 03/03/2022 15:31

In future if anyone shouts at you, why not consider you quietly gathering your things together and leave. If your husband want to stay then let him but I’d phone a taxi and leave, taking the children with me.
Start standing up to them, they aren’t bothered about upsetting you so don’t worry about standing up to them.n

Thinkingblonde · 03/03/2022 15:32

Oh and stop send cards etc, let him sort it all out. They are his family after all.

ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 15:38

Or follow the excellent advice from @Thinkingblonde, your children need to see its not right

Allchange2017 · 03/03/2022 15:41

@Bittersweet12
IF your DH remembers to buy birthday cards, then he writes all your names in them - you come as a package.

billy1966 · 03/03/2022 16:12

@WhiteXmas21

Mmm. When that time comes, I think you two need to have a calm conversation about it. You remind him of what he has seen in their treatment of you; you tell him you don’t want to be around that. As to your dc, then I guess I would just be telling him that I am not happy with my DC being around people who have so little respect for their mum. I am not sure I would try to stop him as such, but I would not go out of my way to facilitate it. I hear you that he is laid back. But I would tell him I expect him to stand up for me, to have my back. Hope it gets better for you 💐

Great advice above.

Do not accept this awful behaviour.
Do not mention them.

Let him visit them but absolutely no way should he be exposing your children to such toxic behaviour.

Stop doing anything for his family, no cards, gifts.
Don't mention the cards, just stop.

They have chosen to behave badly, why would you want your children near people who feel so comfortable being awful to you.

Step away completely.
Your life will be better if you do.

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2022 16:19

Of course it would be controlling, he has as much right as the OP to decide what the children do, they can't be weaponised by the mother in her relationship with her in laws.

They already are by MIL who yelled at OP for choosing not to wake her own child. She wanted her grandchild woken up for her own selfish reason deciding him being poorly was less important than him being woken up for her and then when asked not to be shouted at MIL continued.

MIL is happy to yell at OP and be disrespectful. Do you really think she would stop trying to push her control just because OP not there? I bet she doesn’t want OP there whatsoever anyway and only wants her DH to bring the children.

Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 16:26

@Thinkingblonde

In future if anyone shouts at you, why not consider you quietly gathering your things together and leave. If your husband want to stay then let him but I’d phone a taxi and leave, taking the children with me. Start standing up to them, they aren’t bothered about upsetting you so don’t worry about standing up to them.n

That's very true yes! I wish I'd done that at the time but i was just so so took back by her doing that I didn't know what to do haha

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 16:29

@billy1966 yes posting on here has defiantly made me realise I was putting up with to much sht* and the children shouldn't witness any sort of disrespect to there mothers whether it be in the form of me being treated differently on Christmas / birthdays or just general disrespect towards me!

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 16:30

@phoenixrosehere

Of course it would be controlling, he has as much right as the OP to decide what the children do, they can't be weaponised by the mother in her relationship with her in laws.

That's exactly what my friend said to me, she said maybe she is actually acting this way so you don't come, and she gets to see her grandchildren and son without you!

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 17:08

@phoenixrosehere

Of course it would be controlling, he has as much right as the OP to decide what the children do, they can't be weaponised by the mother in her relationship with her in laws.

At what point would you allow contact again with the children though? In your opinion

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 17:09

@Chely

If they can't be nice to you then don't go and don't send dh alone with the kids either. You are a package deal. My in laws have been bloody awful about me behind my back and to my face in the past, we have been NC for long periods due to it. They didn't make any effort to remember my birthday for several years and thanked dh for their cards and presents that I took the time to buy for them, eventually I told him he had to sort it for his side as I was sick of doing it.

Also at what point in your opinion do you allow contact with the children again??

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Original poster

Bittersweet12 · 03/03/2022 17:09

OP posts:

ElsieLappin · 03/03/2022 17:22

I would wait and see how they reacted to not seeing us all together, as a family, visiting them before I could make that decision @Bittersweet12

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2022 17:53

At what point would you allow contact again with the children though? In your opinion

I would keep visits to public places where you all can meet up. She still sees DH and grandchildren but it’s in a neutral place and you can take kids away if she is being ridiculous. Plus, if she’s one of those people where appearances are important, she may be on better behaviour if she’s in public where people would stare if she started yelling.

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