Husband addicted to online sex on webcams

[Jaded82]

It’s come out that my husband, whom I totally trusted and I thought was the most moral and dependable person ever, has been using porn and sex chat lines ever since we got married. That has progressed in the last decade to hooking up with women on webcams to have online sex (sometimes a few times a week!) He likes to return to the same ones so much so they’ve got to recognise/know him and they have chats. He’s told me the things he’d want them to do and all the compliments he’d give them. I feel sick and disorientated. Over the years he’s spent over £10,000 on this and I never realised!! He says they were easier to be with than me because they took compliments better! Actually he never complimented me. He says eventually, if we ever actually had sex (which was rare because he always pushed me away!) he’d fantasise about them.

My husband is getting therapy for sex addiction and childhood trauma therapy but I feel so lonely and rejected. I don’t know what to do. It’s all I can think about and I have horrible images flash into my mind often. Are there any stories of people forgiving their partners and being able to build afresh? I’ve lost my bearings and don’t know if I’m being too hopeful or too dramatic!

I am so sorry you are going through this, I'm absolutely furious on your behalf. I can understand why you are feeling overwhelmed. You are a strong woman. Hopefully you wii get through this even stronger.

@Jaded82

AdamRyan I am sorry you have been through what you have and have to deal with this devastation in your life. No one ever deserves to be betrayed. And you did everything you could to make it work and gave your husband more than he deserved. My counsellor says all addicts are selfish and entitled; narcissists. This does describe the husband I’m just discovering. I feel I live with 3 husbands… the one I thought I knew all these years, the one I’m learning I did live with all these years and then now, he’s trying to change he’s acting differently (more engaged and connected) to how I’ve ever known him. My head is swirling. I find it shocking that the counsellor is highlighting that I need to accept that there’s been emotional, psychological and financial abuse in the marriage. That he still has a tendency to gaslight. But also she says sexual abuse because if I’d known what he was doing, would I have had sex with him… 😩😫

I modify my earlier post, I think your therapist sounds like they are asking exactly the right questions. Keep engaging with them.

I'd be filling for divorce I'm afraid. X

I would not waste my inheritance on him he'd be gone. X

@Jaded82

Some things coming out are horrific, like he’d hook up with women online in bed while I was asleep next to him. Or while he was settling our baby to bed!

Sorry, does this mean he was wanking while trying to get your child to sleep?

Just for a second OP imagine how it would feel to just walk away from all this, not have to spend all these hours thinking and worrying and trying to work it all out, just to be free of it all. I know starting again is scary but honestly, is it really scary enough to be a worse prospect than everything you're going to have to endure by staying with him? Most likely including finding out he's doing it again at some point in the future and it's all been for nothing!

I know your mind recoils every time you think about being without him and it feels unbearable but it won't be, it will be short term upheaval while you separate and settle into new surroundings and/or routines and some pain which will fade, probably faster than you think as you realise just how toxic this relationship was for you.

And then, when you're ready, a new life, free from all his drama and chaos and full of all sorts of new opportunities. Please think about that and choose to be brave, change is only scary when what you already have is perfect, and what you have is the opposite of perfect

BusinessMindThoughts, baby had fallen asleep already after being settled on our bed.

I mean I feel so stupid, the number of times my husband was pissed off I wasn’t going to bed and would encourage me to go off to bed so he could be alone! Generally he’d have to stay up until early hours because a few of the women he liked hooking up with were American.

Is this money well spent?

Would a 2 week holiday and coming home refreshed and to deal with life on your terms, like telling family if you want to and letting him fall into line, get the same effect?

I think I'd just feel sick spending more money on him.

Why doesnt he get another job to pay for it and start grovelling if he thinks the relationship is worth saving? Seems like even more effort coming from you.

I’d cancel the therapy, leave him and tell anyone who asked the reason why.

The cheating is bad enough but he didn’t even admit it straight away, he kept lying and lying. And then he tried to gaslight you into believing it was your fault.

Please don’t put up with this shit, OP. He is not going to stop and any extra effort he’s putting into the relationship now will soon fade away.

From your OP, it doesn't even seem like he likes you that much, let alone loves or respects you. The details he has gone into and the things he said about you are not the words of someone who is trying to hold a marriage together. He is trying to make it your fault, and it isn't in any way at all.

Not sure I believe all this sex addict stuff. Funny how it's only ever men who seem to be sex addicts and only ever say it when they get caught. More like cheating arsehole in my opinion.

Not sure I believe all this sex addict stuff. Funny how it's only ever men who seem to be sex addicts and only ever say it when they get caught. More like cheating arsehole in my opinion.

Absolutely. It's part of the whole 'Men can't help themselves - if they don't have lots of sex their balls will explode/they will feel so sad and unloved that they'll pine away' narrative.

@Waxonwaxoff0

Not sure I believe all this sex addict stuff. Funny how it's only ever men who seem to be sex addicts and only ever say it when they get caught. More like cheating arsehole in my opinion.

Yes funny how when they are caught, they deny deny deny and then when they can't deny anymore, suddenly its because they are a sex addict. And need help because they are so ill and can't help it. Accepting no blame for their actions.

Funny also how they didn't realise they were this sex addict for all those years before they got caught.

Oh wait, maybe thats because they are in fact just a lying pile of crap excuse for a human being.

Oh yes.

Another "sex addicted" loser who spends thousands from the family money pot because he SIMPLY. CANNOT. HELP. IT.

He sounds like a nasty piece of shit. It isn’t as if he’s admitted he has a problem and reassured you it’s nothing to do with you, all his problem etc. He’s hurled insults at you instead and made you feel like there’s something wrong with you which absolutely isn’t true, this is all on him. 10k as well, Jesus Christ… Get rid of him.

@Jaded82

Some things coming out are horrific, like he’d hook up with women online in bed while I was asleep next to him. Or while he was settling our baby to bed!

That's vile

I would never forgive that (or any of it really)

And the money!!

Not quite the same, but I found out that my H had been cheating on me, or sometimes trying to (with my friends) for the entire time we had been together (16 years). Once I knew, a lot of other things that had been confusing throughout our relationship, actually made sense (like not coming home after nights out, or going missing at parties & nightclubs).

I didn't leave him for 4 years after finding out, I tried to get past it for the sake of our kids, but I just couldn't. You don't need to make any immediate decisions.

How old are you both, how old are the kids? Could you afford to separate, if that's what you decide you want?

@Jaded82

BusinessMindThoughts, baby had fallen asleep already after being settled on our bed.

I mean I feel so stupid, the number of times my husband was pissed off I wasn’t going to bed and would encourage me to go off to bed so he could be alone! Generally he’d have to stay up until early hours because a few of the women he liked hooking up with were American.

Fuck me, OP. Why in God's name would you want to start afresh with him? He needs to leave You will never be able to trust him again. Your relationship as you knew it no longer exists.

@OneTC

He’d rather we separate than people know.

I'd seize that offer without hesitation

I would not cover anything up for him. He doesn't get to dictate that if they separate that the Op has to keep quiet. Who on earth does he think he is, that he can even try to manipulate the Op like that?

He says they were easier to be with than me because they took compliments better

Ah, yes...OF COURSE it's your fault!! I mean, what else can it be?

@CallMeDaddy58
Well, yes, this so called sex addiction DOES hit differently. It is introducing multiple other people into the marriage without knowledge or permission. It is being intimate with someone other than your partner.
And using cams when putting the baby to bed, or your wife is sleeping beside you...? That's bottom of the barrel sleaze. Some things are unforgivable, 'addiction' or not

Addict, my arse!
Do yourself and your child(ren) a massive favour and get rid of him.
You'll never be able to properly trust him or recover your own sanity if your focus is on him.
Crumpled is useful on this.

I don't know why you would even try to forgive this imo you must so little of yourself which is sad. He doesn't even sound sorry for what he's done either! Until the day you die, every time he spends longer in the bathroom or wants to stay up late etc you will and for good reason think he's been up to no good. You don't even want to leave him on his own now. Fuck that, you deserve so much better than this piece of shit and that's without all the money he's spent!

He cheated. Dozens and Dozens of times.

There would be no coming back from that. I'd never trust him again and like fuck would I keep his dirty little secret. He should be ashamed.

I think your therapist sounds bang on it to be honest. Helping you see that regardless of his childhood, he has been an abuser to you and is a narcissist in his behaviour is great work.

The issue is: can he change?

Personally I'd say it doesn't sound like he really really wants to. He's currently only making an effort to save himself from financial disaster and public humiliation, not from a genuine internal desire to be a better person.
You had to drag all the details out of him. He still behaves like none of it was his responsibility, shuts you out and will make out you are controlling if you push it too far.

So he can manage to buck his ideas up to some extent if his life is on the brink of disaster and he is under constant monitoring. That's not a marriage is it?

Personally I'd stick with the therapist, you are going to need someone in your corner, and look to get rid of the husband.

The money mine has wasted on weed runs into thousands over the marriage. Leave and get ducks in a row don’t look back he’ll never change.