Husband addicted to online sex on webcams

[Jaded82]

It’s come out that my husband, whom I totally trusted and I thought was the most moral and dependable person ever, has been using porn and sex chat lines ever since we got married. That has progressed in the last decade to hooking up with women on webcams to have online sex (sometimes a few times a week!) He likes to return to the same ones so much so they’ve got to recognise/know him and they have chats. He’s told me the things he’d want them to do and all the compliments he’d give them. I feel sick and disorientated. Over the years he’s spent over £10,000 on this and I never realised!! He says they were easier to be with than me because they took compliments better! Actually he never complimented me. He says eventually, if we ever actually had sex (which was rare because he always pushed me away!) he’d fantasise about them.

My husband is getting therapy for sex addiction and childhood trauma therapy but I feel so lonely and rejected. I don’t know what to do. It’s all I can think about and I have horrible images flash into my mind often. Are there any stories of people forgiving their partners and being able to build afresh? I’ve lost my bearings and don’t know if I’m being too hopeful or too dramatic!

TorringtonDean I’m sorry it really sounds as though you’ve been through hell with this too. It is so humiliating and I feel totally degraded, like I have no worth anymore. I know if he goes back to it, it will escalate and prostitutes would be the next step along the trajectory. I’d said to myself one more chance and if he acts out again we’re done. But I’m finding it hard to deal with everything emotionally.

I don’t think I can trust him, currently I can’t leave the house if he’s at home because I don’t trust what he’ll do.

End the marriage, let him carry on with his "addiction" and get yourself and the children free from him. His behaviour is inexcusable and he is unlikely to change. He's a sorry specimen who prefers playing with himself in the virtual company of sex workers, than being a supportive husband and father. Tell him to go.

Take the evidence to a solicitor.
Has he got an AdultFriendFinder account? (He will have emails from them.) Take details of that, too.
He won't change because he's been doing this to you and has called you 'controlling'. He is victim blaming to absolve himself of any responsibility for his own actions and mistreatment of you.
Sorry, but LTB

He will also need to want to put in an awful lot of effort into re building your trust and take the action to do this. Do you think he has got it in him? Also, I think that the amount of energy and effort you would need to direct into forgiving him and re building a relationship that might not work out anyway would be much better directed i to looking after yourself an rebuilding a happy new life well away from this misogynistic prick and finding someone who loves ans respects you.

So called “sex addiction” is an excuse for misogyny at its worst.
Your H is gaslighting you.

@Jaded82

You deserve SO much more than this sad, pathetic excuse of a man. You deserve a fulfilling relationship and a healthy sex like. Not some loser that pays £££ to wank into a camera while you sit with the kids trying to manage a shoe string budget.

I don't care if it's an addiction. He's an absurd shit bag that has waged a very expensive campaign of deceit against you for over a decade. Emotional affairs are bad enough but TEN of them? And he actually PAID FOR THEM?

Please, get some standards and realise that his long term neglect of you has destroyed what you think you believe is a god relationship. Get that counselling, but do it with a a counsellor that knows how to help you rebuild your boundaries and self esteem without this anchor round your neck.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Are you sure you still want to be in this marriage? Before I got to the end of your first post, I saw at least 3 red flags. You said he was the most reliable, moral and trustworthy person, yet you didn't share the finances which allowed him to flush down the toiled £10k whilst cheating on you, plus he pushed you away in bed, no compliments etc. This doesn't sound to me like happy marriage. You finding out was just the cherry on top.

@Jaded82

SamphiretheStickerist Yes I do feel it seems to normalise the behaviour and is all about trying to understand him. I’m a bit tired of him playing the victim role because of his childhood trauma too and depression he now has. I feel lost in it all. If I express my despair or sometimes have a panic attack, my husband shuts down (I guess shame), takes offence and can’t speak to me.

Oh love. I divorced my husband for what turned out to be an adult lifetime history of fucking prostitutes. So I’m not just throwing easy exclamations around on line.

But see you’re all about him “acting out” with an “addiction” but all the while he’s calling you controlling, unable to take compliments, taking offence… I mean, he takes offence?!!!

You need to understand, that he is not shutting you down because of his shame. If he felt shame, he’d be doing everything he could for you now.

If it was a genuine addiction, not just a selfish choice, he might still be logging on and doing it… but in between, he’d be asking for your forgiveness, desperately trying to fix this.

It was an important moment for me, when I finally realised I had to stop assuming my husband’s moral compass was aligned with my own. It was never about shame for him, and all about selfishness.

Please, don’t spend your inheritance on his counselling, that he’s not even committed to if all the while he’s still blaming you.

@Jaded82

TorringtonDean I’m sorry it really sounds as though you’ve been through hell with this too. It is so humiliating and I feel totally degraded, like I have no worth anymore. I know if he goes back to it, it will escalate and prostitutes would be the next step along the trajectory. I’d said to myself one more chance and if he acts out again we’re done. But I’m finding it hard to deal with everything emotionally.

I don’t think I can trust him, currently I can’t leave the house if he’s at home because I don’t trust what he’ll do.

If you really buy the excuse that it’s an addiction, then he will do it again. Addicts don’t stop, cold turkey, successfully.

I think you need to face that, and you need to stop minimising it by using the term “acting out”. He’s not acting out anything, he is doing. He is cheating. He is betraying. He is stealing money from you and your children.

Be in no doubt: he will do it again. Giving him one chance is pointless.
What you’re choosing here is to go, or to stay with him through every woman he has online sex with (and probable escalation to in person prostitute) as a “setback” during his “recovery”.

I have lived through the period after disclosure, and the lack of trust, the monitoring… I cannot tell you how much that will fuck with your health.

The friends you are telling you not to leave him I suspect are the ones who do not fully grasp the reality of this situation and what it means for you. It was not a one off mistake after a few G&T's. It is a compulsion which has taken over your husband's life and impacted yours and your children's. It will not go away and your therapist is right that it will move onto prostitutes. He will find them easier as he does not have to emotionally invest in them.

So he'd rather separate then have people find out? What does he think you will tell people when they ask why you have separated? My rule of thumb is never tell, but never lie. If people ask why tell the truth - do not cover for him.

I appreciate it is a big shock and the though of splitting after knowing someone for so long is daunting and scary but it has to be better than continuing a marriage to a liar and a cheat.

Honestly this absolutely sounds like an addiction. You don’t spend 10k+ on this sort of thing when you can’t buy a home for your kids or go on holiday just for fun. I’d especially say it’s obvious that’s what’s going on after you mentioned childhood trauma.

However, that doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable or excusable. The bit I’d struggle to forgive is that his shame is causing him to shift blame to you. You’re “controlling” etc. If I were you I’d separate with a view to divorce unless he plans on putting his heart and soul into recovery. You can empathise with someone’s childhood trauma and how it can present in a very unhealthy relationship with sex. You can understand that an addiction isn’t a choice. That doesn’t mean you have to accept the actions of a traumatised addict though.

A lot of people are calling him a slime ball etc & I get it. But if they found out your husband was secretly addicted to drugs or alcohol because of childhood trauma (but had otherwise been a nice, kind, loving husband and father) then he’d get a lot more sympathy. Sadly porn being seen as “sleazy” makes people doubt the addiction and have less empathy which I don’t think is fair. It can feel like a much more personal betrayal but addiction is addiction.

Btw you are wasting your time with nonsense like disclosure and polygraphs. Either you can move past it in time if he treats the cause of the addiction or you can’t.

Tbh I can't imagine how anybody could even think of staying with a man who had treated them so appallingly and betrayed them to this extent.

And even now, after he's admitted to it all (well, maybe 'alll'), protecting himself from the shame of it by hiding it from other people is still more important to him than his relationship with you. This man engaged in online sexual activity with other women while he was putting your baby to bed. I mean... wtaf?! 'Addicton' or not, he's a disgusting pig and you deserve better.

I stayed with my husband through this. Same story - he said he thought I wouldn't care as it was just porn, he thought he was addicted, it was my fault as too vanilla.
I told him I counted it as infidelity but stayed, forgave him qnd tried to make it work.
Of course I found out 5 years later he was still doing it. Spent thousands and lied to my face.
I wish I'd left the first time rather than spent all that time feeling anxious and trying to make things work.
I don't believe he was an addict. I believe he felt entitled. There was a lot of other abusive behaviours as well that I overlooked because I loved my husband.
Good luck

I think you need to move on by ending it. He has deceived you for years and acted in the most heinous and despicable way towards both you and your child(ren).

You're wrong if you think that you getting over it would guarantee any sort of rebuilding. He would have to stop his behaviour but also stop wanting and thinking about doing these disgusting things -- and that seems highly unlikely.

If you carry on with him I think you will put yourself through years of misery.

He sounds like a seedy pervert who wants to maintain a decent image -- and I sense that that's what you want for you both too.

There's too many women having to put up with this sh*t.

Oh, hugs to you too OP. This is so terrible for you to be going through...

Jesus Christ, you'd have a house by now. Just think about that.

He spent a house deposit on camera wanking.

You can never, never trust him again.

I'd ask him to leave. You need some time and space to process. And while I'm not against the idea of therapy for you, or on spending money on it, you need it to be therapy for @Jaded82, not therapy for your husband. By which i mean, NOT therapy focused on excuses and enabling.

This 'addiction as an illness' narrative... I've never been entirely comfortable with it and this is why - he's putting the blame on you. I mean, do you honestly think if you'd been better at taking compliments he'd never have had camera sex? Come on, that's a bit of a stretch, right?

Use therapy to rebuild your boundaries, get your head straight and work out what you want to do next.

Saying he'd rather leave you than have everyone know is probably the most honest thing to come out of his mouth, by the way. He's saying he'd rather break up his family than bear the shame of what he's done. However, that's not a choice he gets to make.

You can rebuild but why would you want to?

I think you need to ask him to leave for a few weeks as then you will be able to think straight without him there gas lighting you even more. I could and would never accept this and what he has done and he is trying to make out it is only porn. It is more than that, it is the lies, the sneaking around, the money that could have been used for all the family but used for his dirty sick thrills. He has broke you down and you have lost your confidence and staying with him will mean living with all this distrust and lies and you need a clean break as he has been deceiving you all for years. Open up to people and do not be ashamed as it is all on him. He will not change and he is the one looking for sympathy oh my addiction and all about him so he is pure selfish. Get him to leave and have time to think when you can clear your head without him around. Peace of mind counts for so much and what is he adding to your life except pain, mistrust and confusion and hurt. You need to get your self respect back and that means throwing that liar out. He is not a good man, he is fake and good men will not take money for his wife and kids and spend it all on his sick dirty secrets. No way would I ever want to even see his face again. Please put yourself and the children first and start a new chapter as things will never improve as you will always be wondering what is he doing and he will not stop just find better ways of hiding what he is doing and he will or has been visiting women to pay for sex. It is his issue and I do consider it cheating and would be disgusted and could not have him near me. Get angry and find your inner strength as this is not a way to be treated or to live. Wishing you all the best for you and your children. Hope you can start a life without this man as he does not deserve you and what is he bringing to your life only mistrust and pain. Move on as only one life.

Sex "addiction" my backside.
I suffer from complex PTSD from childhood and still manage to hold down a responsible job without going off sick ever and do not spend my time ogling young men online.
The amount of porn he has watched means he can't be happy with a normal woman again.
I wouldn't bother - I'd be too disgusted. Just get rid, this is horrible and it isn't up to you to mend it. He would if he cared enough about you.

Stop spending your small inheritance on this disgusting mans therapy, that’s appalling, you and your kids need that money.

Hope you find your anger and take him to the fucking cleaners. Tell everyone what type of male he is and enjoy your life free of vermin. Have you been tested for STDs? Fuck knows what he’s had his nob in.

@Jaded82

Yellowsubhubabubbub I think I am in shock. The life I thought I had was never real. Interestingly I’ve told a couple of friends and they haven’t said leave. They are also shocked as everyone thinks my husband is the nicest most genuine caring man.

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

Don't want to make this about him but need you to understand that this isn't about you nor is it about sex. This is the truth of it. It's about him needing validation due to some issue he has with low self-esteem I am not making excuses for him. You will come to realise this only with time.

The thing about when nobody says to leave him. Yes, this is baffling. You want to know the reason nobody tells you to leave? Because they can't possibly understand it (partly because he's the 'good guy' and partly because you have known one another for so long). But, mainly because people simply cannot empathise when presented with such a shocking and disorienting revelation. It questions their understanding of reality, and people can't cope with it.

I've been through similar to what you've been through. If you need any help, just ask. It will take time for you to process this and heal, but you will heal and be stronger for it.

Get rid of this entitled wanker. (sic) He won't stop, he will lie, he will gas- light & you will just be putting off the inevitable day that you tell him to quite literally to Fuck Off. having wasted your inheritance.

AdamRyan I am sorry you have been through what you have and have to deal with this devastation in your life. No one ever deserves to be betrayed. And you did everything you could to make it work and gave your husband more than he deserved.
My counsellor says all addicts are selfish and entitled; narcissists. This does describe the husband I’m just discovering. I feel I live with 3 husbands… the one I thought I knew all these years, the one I’m learning I did live with all these years and then now, he’s trying to change he’s acting differently (more engaged and connected) to how I’ve ever known him. My head is swirling.
I find it shocking that the counsellor is highlighting that I need to accept that there’s been emotional, psychological and financial abuse in the marriage. That he still has a tendency to gaslight. But also she says sexual abuse because if I’d known what he was doing, would I have had sex with him… 😩😫

NowEvenBetter Yes my counsellor suggested I go for STD testing. I found that overwhelming

Brawnspawn I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, the pain is unimaginable. Thank you for your insight and encouragement. That’s really interesting about other people’s reality being challenged and then they sort of shut it down. I’m finding this forum helpful because people don’t know my husband and I can just say the facts of the situation. I suppose I am just looking for validation, some sort of grounding in reality of this (because I don’t know anymore what reality is), some sort of realistic measure of what’s happened and reassurance