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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to prioritise my sister?

40 replies

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 10:24

I'll start with the disclaimer that I don't like spending time with my sister. We live in two completely different countries, and whenever we meet there's always a fight, and quite frankly I'd rather never see her than fighting with her.

Two years ago I was supposed to visit family in my home country but then COVID happened. Our sons only have a 6 month difference between them and they've never met.

She doesn't work and doesn't have any older children, so she's not subject to the same type of logistical complications that I have.

Anywho,. I'm visiting in May and she's visiting in April so I had a million messages of how I never prioritise her.

I told her than until she understands my personal circumstances we have nothing to talk about.

I understand her, but I really don't know how to get the message across and let her see this isn't personal. Because even if she was a "top priority" I wouldn't have the time, nor the money! Like I told my DM it's not like I take time off during HT to spend with the kids, because I don't have any left ever!

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 28/02/2022 10:31

I’m afraid I don’t really understand what she’s saying? You’re planning to visit her on May? But she also has plans to come and visit you in April? So you will be seeing each other? And fairly soon?
Why is she upset? Because you can’t go sooner?

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 10:33

She's upset because I'm visiting our extended family (and not her). Because I'm not making a special trip to Switzerland (where she lives) and because I'm not going to our birth country on the same dates she is (which was ridiculously expensive for me!)

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 28/02/2022 10:38

did you try to arrange a meet up with her when you organised to visit Switzerland?

scootalooser · 28/02/2022 10:40

My sister is very similar. I do make the effort to see her but not at the expense of my mental health, finances etc. I want my dc to know their cousins. Don't feel bad for having boundaries. She sounds like a bully (like my sister, unfortunately).

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 10:41

I've never been to Switzerland! So no I've never visited her at her home

OP posts:

WabbitsAndWeasels · 28/02/2022 10:43

I think it's ok she's a little upset that you aren't meeting but at the same time it works both ways. She could always visit you but it sounds like you wouldn't want this anyway. I have a sister I don't always get along with (just too different, we wouldn't choose to be friends) but I would try and make time for her and any children if I could. I don't see how your relationship will ever improve if you don't communicate but then maybe it's not important to you.

I don't really understand your point of view and don't think you really need to tell her you'd rather prioritise extended family over her and her family. Just limit communication and that'll do the job for you I expect although don't expect her help and good wishes in the future if you don't keep in contact.

SmolCat · 28/02/2022 10:43

If she wants a relationship with you and you don’t want one with her then I can see why she’s hurt. But there’s obviously a massive back story as to why you don’t get on.

Have you said to her that it’s not financially possible for you to travel in April but that she’s welcome to move her visit to May?

onlyk · 28/02/2022 10:45

If it’s that important to her she’s making an issue out of it then point out she can always rearrange her travel arrangements.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 10:47

To her everything seems like an excuse (which I totally see why it could be seen that way). But of the past 4 years, (one I was definitely not great mentally), the second one I was having a baby and saved all my money to buy a house. The COVID happened and from there, I haven't been rich to just splurge on visiting her. She wants to come last year, but I told her she would fit in our tiny house (our DM was staying too) and she thought it was another excuse. Our DM did tell my sister that I wasn't lying and that it would have been a nightmare!

OP posts:

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 28/02/2022 10:53

Did you give her a heads up that you were visiting in May so there could be some overlap? I understand not wanting to have huge arguments but even an overlapping trip of a few days would help keep the peace

I think it’s sad that you are interpreting her disappointment at not being able to see you in the negative way you have. It shows she cares- you on the other hand seem to be actively avoiding her.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 28/02/2022 10:55

@Onlyrainbows

So she wants to come visit you, and you say no. She invites you to visit, you say no. She lets you know she’s travelling in April to see mutual family and you appear to have booked your travel for May without telling her in advance.

What do you expect her to do to maintain the relationship? She’s offered lots of options but I see no alternatives offered by you.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 10:56

She bought her tickets first... I did check if I could go on those dates but it was prohibitly expensive. She does want to see me and in that regard I do feel for her, but quite frankly just of thinking about seeing her gives me anxiety. If we could just see each other for a few hours I think it would be OK, but we can't due to our living circumstances.

OP posts:

SickAndTiredAgain · 28/02/2022 10:58

Why are you the one in the wrong for not visiting at the same time she is, when she could also change her dates and visit at the same time you are? She’s being unreasonable insisting that it must be you that changes plans.

Also, it doesn’t sound like you like each other, I wouldn’t be making any extra effort to see her just because you’re sisters. You don’t have to be friends.

billy1966 · 28/02/2022 10:58

Ignore her and carry on exactly as you like.

You don't like her.
You don't enjoy her company.

There is nothing to talk about.

Just ignore her.

Visit your family and enjoy a peaceful visit.

She sounds like a bully.

Continue to actively avoid her.

You don't owe anyone a relationship with you.

RandomMess · 28/02/2022 10:59

Ask her if she's happy to pay the £x difference for you to change dates!

Perhaps that may bring it home to her.

Crazycatlady83 · 28/02/2022 11:01

Why doesn't she prioritise coming to see you, if she is that bothered....?

PurpleHollyhocks · 28/02/2022 11:01

It sounds like you don’t want a relationship with your sister at all.
I can’t see why she is being described as a bully - she sounds hurt.

However, you don’t owe her a relationship but I would just own that instead of trying to make it her fault which seems mean

HardbackWriter · 28/02/2022 11:01

I understand her, but I really don't know how to get the message across and let her see this isn't personal.

But it is personal. You don't want to see her. Which may well be for good reason and which is entirely within your rights - but what isn't reasonable is to then expect her not to be upset by it. And you're essentially gaslighting her by insisting that it's just a series of coincidences that you don't see her while the actual truth - as she surely suspects - is that you don't want to. You're not being at all honest with her but seem to expect her to read your mind and know that she should simply quietly give up on having a relationship with you.

HardbackWriter · 28/02/2022 11:02

@Crazycatlady83

Why doesn't she prioritise coming to see you, if she is that bothered....?

She offered to come and see OP and was told there wasn't space for her.

scootalooser · 28/02/2022 11:04

I think @PurpleHollyhocks the reason I would use the term bully is because she is pressuring OP to coincide visits or host her but then is unpleasant when they do meet.

This is what my sister is like - huge expectations in terms of the effort I make to host and visit but then pretty explosive and horrible when I do see her.

So I feel bullied and anxious, and I picked up the same vibe from
OP.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 11:05

She's hurt and I get that, but she's hurt me over the years and have never heard an "I'm sorry". Beyond that, it brings me no joy and I've tried to tell this to my DM and I've tried to tell this to my sister, but she just sends me to therapy (the therapist told me the same as PP I don't owe her a relationship and to just be honest with her).

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 28/02/2022 11:05

I know it's not the same, but why not do a monthly hour-long zoom chat?
Build a relationship that way? (assuming you don't do anything like that already)

Levithian · 28/02/2022 11:05

This is sad. She wants a relationship with you, and you don't want a relationship with her. You don't really explain why that is, but I guess it's irrelevant anyway.
I'd be quite sad if my own children were like this.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 28/02/2022 11:06

@scootalooser

I think *@PurpleHollyhocks* the reason I would use the term bully is because she is pressuring OP to coincide visits or host her but then is unpleasant when they do meet.

This is what my sister is like - huge expectations in terms of the effort I make to host and visit but then pretty explosive and horrible when I do see her.

So I feel bullied and anxious, and I picked up the same vibe from
OP.

Bang on!

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 28/02/2022 11:10

She's right that you don't prioritise her. She's upset. She cares way more about you than you do her.

We are in her situation with my bil and sil. It's upsetting and hurtful. Especially for the kids who want to have cousins who are special to them. But if they are never allowed to see them then they can't have a relationship. Don't try to make excuses.aybe you need to be honest with her so she can move on and make her family elsewhere.

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