To not want to prioritise my sister?

[Onlyrainbows]

I'll start with the disclaimer that I don't like spending time with my sister. We live in two completely different countries, and whenever we meet there's always a fight, and quite frankly I'd rather never see her than fighting with her.

Two years ago I was supposed to visit family in my home country but then COVID happened. Our sons only have a 6 month difference between them and they've never met.

She doesn't work and doesn't have any older children, so she's not subject to the same type of logistical complications that I have.

Anywho,. I'm visiting in May and she's visiting in April so I had a million messages of how I never prioritise her.

I told her than until she understands my personal circumstances we have nothing to talk about.

I understand her, but I really don't know how to get the message across and let her see this isn't personal. Because even if she was a "top priority" I wouldn't have the time, nor the money! Like I told my DM it's not like I take time off during HT to spend with the kids, because I don't have any left ever!

Yea, but she's never seen she's wronged me (and even if I remove that from the equation) for the past what 20 years? I can't remember any true happy memories with no fighting.

So, what if anything is she doing or has she done to prioritise you?

Well she's always inviting me (or wants to visit) which she's done in the past. I on the other hand have never been able to go, because TBF I haven't even had the money or the time off!! Last year the house was genuinely too small. This time the house is bigger so I've told her to just come, but she didn't reply to that message.

I dont really understand. She tried to visit you, she's invited you to stay but you've blocked her without telling her why - that you don't like her or want to spend time with her. She's sent you to therapy - presumably to help you - but why did you go if you didn't want to? And if you did want to, hasn't she done you a favour? It's difficult to see from what you say how she's wronged you. But if you really dislike her that much, just tell her honestly that you don't want anymore contact. I'm sure she'll feel hurt but you'll feel better and won't be mithered by her wanting to see you.

@scootalooser that's what I got from the OP too.

What exactly is the point of spending time with someone who has been so unpleasant for many years.

Life is too short.

OP upon further clarification, the issue appears to be your guilt over this.
You are entitled to do what you want but own it and own how it makes others feel. It’s not particularly nice but you are allowed behave how you wish

I didn't go to therapy because of her, I happen to go to therapy. But we just can't get along. She's always contradicting me in front of my DD, once made a big deal.because I asked our DM for change for an ice cream. Has told me I'm a bad mother (before she was one). Has told me my personal issues are minor. Once turned the TV off (one Christmas) because there was a Disney film on and it was a "bad example for my DD" she was 3 at the time. She's also told me I only got close to my uncle for his money...

Well from your latest update she doesn't sound like a nice person, but family relationships are so complex.

Either way I think your mistake is pretending you coincidentally can't visit her or its too expensive. And if someone invited me to stay by saying why don't you just come, I would get the message loud and clear that they did not want to see me. It's not wrong that you are setting boundaries but pretending this is because you are too busy or that she doesn't understand you seems unfair to me. Just say you hope to see her next year, sorry the schedules did not work this time and leave it at that without blaming her.

My exH used to say she's a "complete bitch".

My sister is a cunt who bullied me since the day I was born. I simply told her she was a cunt and didn't want anything to do with her. My only regret was that I left until I was in my 40s. I should have done it much earlier. I feel sooooooooo much better. Instead of making excuses OP simply tell her that you want nothing to do with her.

I guess the difference is that it is redeemable as long as it's "virtual", but I doubt she'd understand that

I guess tell her that you don't like her and don't want to spend time with her.

@Onlyrainbows

To her everything seems like an excuse (which I totally see why it could be seen that way). But of the past 4 years, (one I was definitely not great mentally), the second one I was having a baby and saved all my money to buy a house. The COVID happened and from there, I haven't been rich to just splurge on visiting her. She wants to come last year, but I told her she would fit in our tiny house (our DM was staying too) and she thought it was another excuse. Our DM did tell my sister that I wasn't lying and that it would have been a nightmare!

Airbnb nearby?

It's fine not to want to see people who make you anxious and depressed, but it does sound like she's made some effort (offering to come and see you) and I can see how it looks to her as if you've rejected her.

At the time I think it was around £5-6k for a week (and he had to stay inside due to COVID rules at the time).

@Onlyrainbows

I didn't go to therapy because of her, I happen to go to therapy. But we just can't get along. She's always contradicting me in front of my DD, once made a big deal.because I asked our DM for change for an ice cream. Has told me I'm a bad mother (before she was one). Has told me my personal issues are minor. Once turned the TV off (one Christmas) because there was a Disney film on and it was a "bad example for my DD" she was 3 at the time. She's also told me I only got close to my uncle for his money...

Most siblings can recall stuff like this. I love mine but she frustrates me more than anyone I know. But I know she'd say the same about me!

However, it doesn't matter about anyone else's relationship. It's your choice not to see her. But at least be honest and tell her so she knows where she stands.