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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for his surname?

35 replies

Nocluedater · 28/02/2022 06:53

I exchanged some nice messages with a man on an online dating site. He suggested swapping numbers so we could chat. I gave him my number and he messaged me. I replied asking him what his surname is and giving him mine. His response was, ‘that’s a bit random. Do you want to do a credit check on me 😂?’ He did give me his surname but I found is response off-putting. Aibu to ask for a surname? Or am I not being unreasonable and his response is odd?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2022 06:56

I would assume that he was attempting a joke that fell a bit flat.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask but it’s a weird question to ask naturally in conversation.

SickAndTiredAgain · 28/02/2022 07:01

@PurpleDaisies

I would assume that he was attempting a joke that fell a bit flat.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask but it’s a weird question to ask naturally in conversation.

I agree. I don’t think you were unreasonable but I wouldn’t find his response off putting.

When I was doing online dating, the people I chatted to where we went on to exchange numbers generally just went in my phone with just a first name. Which isn’t to say you’re wrong to ask, just that it might be less common so he was just making a joke?

Getoffmyshoes · 28/02/2022 07:03

I don’t think his response is odd. He was just trying to make a joke and I can see why people would be cautious about giving their full name out to internet strangers. He did give you it though so I don’t see the issue?

Personally, I would be very careful giving out my surname until I knew someone quite well.

burnthur5t · 28/02/2022 07:06

Depends how long you've been chatting. If it's a few hours or days then he probably isn't comfortable yet

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 07:15

His response isn't odd. You do want it so you can check up on him.

Although I'd have responded with "I just want to start practicing my signature for the wedding day "

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2022 07:30

Why do you want his surname if it's not to check up on him on other sites?

MiddleParking · 28/02/2022 07:32

I can understand why he found it odd and if I were you I’d be more cautious about giving out my own surname on dating sites.

ThisIsGroundControl · 28/02/2022 07:33

It would possibly put me off you for asking, depending on how early days it was. Are you planning on meeting? I would assume you wanted it to stalk me on the Internet

BertieQueen · 28/02/2022 07:40

I think he was fine with his response.
If anything it would put me off someone if they asked for my surname not the other way round.
Also Why did you give your surname over so freely? You should be a bit more cautious yourself.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 28/02/2022 07:43

You could have said its for a DBS check?

But I don't think its 'random'. If you had asked if he has a puncture repair kit or has he ever had a dream where he has a wolf's head and lobster claws for hands, that would be random - to me anyway.

PiscesScot · 28/02/2022 07:44

I’d have had one phone call and if it ended in an arrangement to meet up in person, asked for his surname then.

It’s not unreasonable (in fact I’d say it’s wise!) at that point to want to do at least a cursory Google search on him.

WTF475878237NC · 28/02/2022 07:47

It's very sensible to use the conveniences of modern technology to do a basic check on someone. Nothing odd about it. His response was an attempt at a joke.

PiscesScot · 28/02/2022 07:47

(Although the way he replied would give me the ick a bit….why straight to money? Is he a wannabe cocklodger or is he so clueless he can’t imagine why you’d want more info on a random man)

Beachbreak2411 · 28/02/2022 07:51

Ah bless you Op.. I’m back in the world of online dating and it’s a bizarre minefield! I personally don’t ask for surnames as I hate mine being asked; I don’t know why really! I guess he was probably a little taken a back and mind went racing to odd things.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2022 07:54

@WTF475878237NC

It's very sensible to use the conveniences of modern technology to do a basic check on someone. Nothing odd about it. His response was an attempt at a joke.

And yet I suspect if it was the other way round, people would be telling OP not to give out personal information to a man she's never met.

Ff10n · 28/02/2022 07:54

I would want to know too, but I do think it as a but weird to ask for his surname before you'd even met him. I would not want to give random men my surname before I had met them in person (and felt that I would want to see them again).

EBearhug · 28/02/2022 07:54

I do find it weird when I don't know their surnames, but I've never asked, because no one's asked me.

I'm going to an event with one guy next week, where we have to show ID, so I will need to give him my name, but I think he already knows it, because we work in a similar field, and a comment he made means I suspect he knows one of my colleagues, but I decided I didn't want to know for sure. Also,he might have seen something with my name on. I found him on LinkedIn, so I do know his surname, and LinkedIn sometimes tells you who's looked at your profile, so he might know I know, too.

It is weird, though, that these days, you might have exchanged phone numbers, but not real names, as people don't always sign up to dating sites with their real name. Mind you, back in the '90s, one of my housemates never gave her real name to guys on first meeting, so it's just different media, OLD app vs pen and scrap of paper.

Campervangirl · 28/02/2022 08:00

I don't think you asking his surname is wierd and I think his reply is not wierd, his reply is probably based on the fact that you can Google someone, search for them on dating sites, fb etc.
Maybe he wants to get to know you a bit first, he may worry that you may internet stalk him. 🙄
I think it's wierd if people don't offer their surnames but I may be out of touch 😁

Original poster

Nocluedater · 28/02/2022 08:02

Thanks everyone. Very interesting to hear different perspectives. I was thinking why wouldn't you want to know someone's name and just do a basic check that they are who they say they are before talking. I'm thinking now though that I'm the weird one! Gradually learning how this dating thing works...!!! Thank you x

OP posts:

Cloverforever · 28/02/2022 09:46

@Nocluedater

I think you were right to be cautious OP.

I went on 3 dates with one chap before spying a letter with his full name on. I googled him, only to find he had spent time inside for causing death by wreckless driving.

I would be vary wary if somebody doesn't want to disclose their surname.

WTF475878237NC · 28/02/2022 09:52

You seem switched on to me not odd at all!

Original poster

Nocluedater · 28/02/2022 10:00

Now I'm wondering at what stage you would exchange surnames...

I can't imagine for example going to meet someone unless I have their name and have checked they are who they say. (I also always give my sister the name of who I'm meeting just in case).

I think I'd rather risk giving my surname up front than waste time with someone who isn't what they say.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 28/02/2022 10:02

Wouldn’t give out your surname if they haven’t given theirs! Or indeed any personal info.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/02/2022 10:05

I don’t think you should be handing out your surname to men you don’t know. Yes, having his means you can check him out; he can do the same with you: find out where you work, your home address, who your friends are - all kinds of stuff you don’t want strangers having access to.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/02/2022 10:12

@girlmom21

His response isn't odd. You do want it so you can check up on him.

Although I'd have responded with "I just want to start practicing my signature for the wedding day "

Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣

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