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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to come to terms with DF new wife

42 replies

Madmaxxy · 27/02/2022 20:14

DF has been with his now wife for 6 years, (divorced from my mum for 13)

Two things I'm struggling to process

  1. New wife is the absolute polar opposite from my mum. How could he have got it so wrong the first time?! (They were together 20 years) (new wife is older so it wasn't a trade in for younger model!)
  1. The way he treats her is opposite to my parents relationship growing up. He absolute falls over himself to make her happy, always buys her flowers randomly, thanks her over the top for every little thing, they have little cutesy in jokes and silly things. Texts me to remind me about her birthday but can't get a birthday card to me on time (specific sore point! 😅)

We're all adults and I'm happy he's happy but it does make me a bit sad to think he was never like this with my mum, and has always been a bit emotionally absent with me too, but now I have to witness this outpouring of love for new wife.

I know I have to suck it up but AIBU to feel this?

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 27/02/2022 20:18

YANBU.

However: maybe he has learned from his mistakes first time round. Secondly, it's easier to be lovey-dovey and romantic when you're older and richer and without young kids underfoot.

jay55 · 27/02/2022 20:27

It's probably as much that his new wife has higher standards and doesn't let him get away with being shit.

TicTacHoh · 27/02/2022 20:34

Did DF and DM marry young? People change a lot through life.

housemaus · 27/02/2022 20:39

YAB(a tiny bit)U to be framing it this way, I think.

It's not 'having to witness this outpouring of love for new wife', it's 'seeing him in a happy, functional relationship'.

It's not 'getting it so wrong the first time', it's 'having had the experience to know what kind of person he'd work well in a relationship with', etc.

By the way you've framed this it seems you feel the end of your parents' relationship was his fault for acting... not like this. Is that the case? I wonder if this is some delayed anger at their relationship not working out rearing its head.

Dentistlakes · 27/02/2022 20:45

My father was like this with his second wife. It was like he had a personality transplant. In the end it became clear they were just more compatible. He was happier and in turn his behaviour was more caring and thoughtful. He was also at a very different place in his life. No young children at home. Semi retired and free to do as he pleased with his time and money.

The way I see it is that he’s happy now. I’m glad he’s had this second chance to have a fulfilling relationship.

Original poster
Madmaxxy · 27/02/2022 20:51

Thanks all

In response to PP, my mum was actually his second wife (so no not married young, but had married young before her)

I guess I'm just finding it bizarre (and a little bit upsetting) seeing him behave this way having never seen it before. But yes accept that people can and do change, learn etc. I don't begrudge him it at all. Just musing really.

OP posts:
WandaThePanda · 27/02/2022 20:54

Secondly, it's easier to be lovey-dovey and romantic when you're older and richer and without young kids underfoot.

100% this ^

Dentistlakes · 27/02/2022 20:57

@Madmaxxy

Thanks all

In response to PP, my mum was actually his second wife (so no not married young, but had married young before her)

I guess I'm just finding it bizarre (and a little bit upsetting) seeing him behave this way having never seen it before. But yes accept that people can and do change, learn etc. I don't begrudge him it at all. Just musing really.

I understand where you’re coming from when you say it’s upsetting. I had similar feelings of why couldn’t he have been that way with my mum. If he had my childhood would have been happier. I had to let that go and separate my feelings as a child from my adult self. It is hard though. I felt let down by him for a long time.
Ursusmajor · 27/02/2022 21:03

You could send new wife a birthday card with the same degree of lateness that your birthday card arrives with. She probably won’t care. Your dad probably won’t get point but it’ll make you feel better.

saraclara · 27/02/2022 21:18

Maybe he was just as lovey dovey with your DM in the early days.

harriethoyle · 27/02/2022 21:24

How sad that you apparently begrudge your father his happiness.

Zilla1 · 27/02/2022 21:24

Regarding 1) Some people don't have a type and having a type can be a bit objectifying and creepy if you think about it. I wouldn't give any headspace to that if you can.

  1. People can change but it sounds like a terse reply to his text reminders might be in order along the lines of 'why do you expect me to make more of an effort with your new DP than my own father can be bothered to make with his child?' and see what he says.

Good luck.

sillysmiles · 27/02/2022 21:25

There are 2 people in a relationship. This relationship functions better because of both people in it.

His previous relationship didn't function as well because of both people in the relationship.

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 21:28

@saraclara

Maybe he was just as lovey dovey with your DM in the early days.
This...

I've said numerous times since getting divorced, that the man who OW is now dating (i.e my XH) ...is the man l also dated.... and not the man l eventually divorced for emotional abuse

Pegasussnail · 27/02/2022 21:30

I get it.. but this situation is orefable to him being lonely and needy. Though it would hurt when he text to remind you of her birthday yet forgets yours. Could you send a jokey 'thats so funny dad. You never remember mine' put a few laughing faces

Lurking9to5 · 27/02/2022 21:31

@jay55

It's probably as much that his new wife has higher standards and doesn't let him get away with being shit.
This. I bet she expects her birthday to be treated as important.
CornishGem1975 · 27/02/2022 21:34

Maybe he's happier with her? Maybe as much as you don't want to think it, this woman is more compatible with him. There can be so many factors to people's relationships. I'm sure my kids would say the same about me, I'm a different person now than when I was married to their dad. I'm the person I was before him.

Josette77 · 27/02/2022 21:53

Your dad was not the only person in the marriage, though. Your mom played a role too, as does his new wife.

Summerfun54321 · 27/02/2022 21:54

Isn’t there a chance he was like this with your DM you just didn’t see it or didn’t remember it as you were too young? Very normal for most relationships to have a honeymoon period at the beginning, it doesn’t mean they’ll be like this forever.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2022 21:57

Mil always jokes you can spot second or third time around without kids as they are all gushy 😂

Bit ott that he expects you to send a birthday card

Frigginintheriggin · 27/02/2022 22:00

My father was the same with his second wife.
I didn't have the same reaction as you.
Weirdly I'd had a really shitty childhood because of him but it was my mums new partner I didn't like

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 27/02/2022 22:03

I'd definitely pull him up on the birthday card thing. If he can't see what an arse he's being about that then he's seriously blinkered.

TreatTrimTame · 27/02/2022 22:19

I think he is happy. Flowers
I would ask him outright why he reminds you of hers but is not on time with yours. Explain to him it hurts you and you expect to be treated with the same respect as his wife.

lightisnotwhite · 27/02/2022 22:22

I think people are being simplistic here. Of course you want to see your parent's happy. But your mum and dad’s relationship is the one you are obviously going to be more invested in.

My guess would be your dad likes being in a relationship but wasn’t a player, so was prepared to “settle” for the relationship with your mum.
He’s just been freed up whilst back in his comfort zone of a serious relationship.

Based on not knowing any of you!

.

Original poster
Madmaxxy · 27/02/2022 22:24

Just to be clear I am happy he's happy and don't begrudge him it at all (sure I said that further up too)
Different perspectives on things are always useful which is why I asked on here.

OP posts: