How to come to terms with DF new wife

[Madmaxxy]

DF has been with his now wife for 6 years, (divorced from my mum for 13)

Two things I'm struggling to process

1. New wife is the absolute polar opposite from my mum. How could he have got it so wrong the first time?! (They were together 20 years) (new wife is older so it wasn't a trade in for younger model!)

1. The way he treats her is opposite to my parents relationship growing up. He absolute falls over himself to make her happy, always buys her flowers randomly, thanks her over the top for every little thing, they have little cutesy in jokes and silly things. Texts me to remind me about her birthday but can't get a birthday card to me on time (specific sore point! 😅)

We're all adults and I'm happy he's happy but it does make me a bit sad to think he was never like this with my mum, and has always been a bit emotionally absent with me too, but now I have to witness this outpouring of love for new wife.

I know I have to suck it up but AIBU to feel this?

I can understand this being hard OP.

has always been a bit emotionally absent with me too, but now I have to witness this outpouring of love for new wife.

It IS difficult when you take this statement into consideration, because it's not only about how he was with your mum but how he was/is with you, too. I don't think it's unreasonable to wonder how he can be emotionally invested this with his new wife but not with his own daughter.

@harriethoyle

How sad that you apparently begrudge your father his happiness.

How nasty! The op hasn't said that!

I think your problem isn't the wife.

It's your dad and you are deflecting your anger/resentment of him

He sounds like a prick.
He can't remember his child's birthday and you are supposed to fall over yourself for his 3rd wife.
You imply he spoke to and treated your mother poorly yet now is nice as pie.

Some people are just shit parents. It's as simple as that. My parents weee very much in their own bubble all their lives but couldn't care less about me really. They were okay but they never made a fuss of me as a child, never sent me birthday cards etc as an adult.

I am sure my kids would say this about me and my husband (I am divorced from their father). We are just more compatible. I haven’t changed. We are just kinder to each other. I respect him so much more. Equally I would imagine my ex husband is the same with his new fiancé.

@Alcoh

I am sure my kids would say this about me and my husband (I am divorced from their father). We are just more compatible. I haven’t changed. We are just kinder to each other. I respect him so much more. Equally I would imagine my ex husband is the same with his new fiancé.

My SC would say this about their father. I can see the resentment towards our DC that we have a stable marriage. DH and ex were not suited.

I get this totally op. My dad gets on so much better with his his 2nd wife. It's mixed feelings. On one hand I am happy for him, on the other I wish he had been kinder to my mum. Tbh i think the small kids thing is a shite excuse. ....ok it IS stressful being a parent but all the more reason to pull together as a team. You might not be able to go on romantic mini breaks but it would have been nice to see him give her a hug or kiss or even hold her hand occasionally. Dp and I manage and we have 2 tricky teens!
My dad got together with his 2nd dp 5 months after dm died. THAT stung. He was taking mum's clothes to the charity shop en route to see his new gf. That is a different thread I feel!

I think it's just hard being the product of an incompatible relationshp...especially when they get their new shiny family.

I think it’s pretty embarrassing and out of order that he texts you a reminder that it’s her birthday. She’s not your new mummy. Even worse that he does it when he doesn’t remember yours on time.

He could have treated your mum this way at the beginning too.

Similar situation here.
Shitty awful childhood because of both my parents.
My dad remarried and holy shit, his new, much much younger wife has been the absolute making of my dad.
I actually quite like him now. I utterly adore his wife who is younger than his youngest grown up child!!
If they split (they won’t) I would be heartbroken and would probably keep her as close family for life.

Watch that space, it’s a hell of a lot better than it could have been.

@Ursusmajor

You could send new wife a birthday card with the same degree of lateness that your birthday card arrives with. She probably won’t care. Your dad probably won’t get point but it’ll make you feel better.

And after a few years, when she realises this petty move really doesn't make her feel any better about her Dad, do you have any other suggestions of things she could do to his wife to get at him?

Your feelings are valid OP.

People change during their lives and someone who was married for 20 years isn't the same person at the end of it as they were at the start. Sometimes meet their soulmates later in life.

It doesn't change what he had with his first wife, your mum, though I can see why it would feel that way!

Are you my SD OP???
😀
DH is a totally different person with me than in his first marriage. Everyone comments on it.

I can understand it being hard too.
Like - it’s great you’re happy dad, but don’t rub my face in in?!
I think we’re always children to our parents so it’s difficult to think of them in adult roles other than mum and dad.

I think it’s ok to both be happy for him and to reply hey dad you can’t remember my birthday and (if relevant) you were there when I was born, so I don’t know why you expect me to remember Sally’s. Do you remind her about mine? Silly question, you forget mine.