To smack 20mth old for scratching me first?

[yankey]

My dd gets frustrated (like them all I imagine), however when she is annoyed at me for changing her nappy or getting her dressed etc when she doesn't want to she starts to dig her nails into my hands and angrily scratch me. I now have about 7 or 8 small scabs on my hands. Now I always said I wouldn't hit my dd but if she hits or scratches first I think that is different. Only thing is I am not sure if this is the best way of dealing with this unacceptable behaviour. Advise (without insults or ridicule from the 'holier then though's) much appreciated.

Yes! Yes! Yes! You ARE being unreasonable.

Yes! Yes! Yes! You ARE being unreasonable.

No, I don't think it is aceptable behaviour to slap your child even though she "scratched me first".

But, she's your child, not mine.

If you can live with the fact you slap her for scratching then that's fine.. you shouldn't need us to encourage you.

I don't think that hitting is the way to teach her not to be violent. You're just saying that it's an acceptable thing to do, but you're bigger so can do it harder. If she stops scratching it's because she's aware she'll be hit, rather than understanding why she mustn't scratch, and that hurting people is bad.

Maybe a better way would be to each time, hold onto her hands, firmly say no, sit her down and walk away for a moment. Ignore this behaviour, and every time she doesn't do it, give her lots of praise.

It isn't acceptable, she is too young to understaND. Remove her hand firmly and just say NO. I have given ds the occasional tap and it is totally ineffective.

YABU.

she is only 20 months.

Would be better to say NO in a firm voice and take her hand away from you.

smacking her teaches to smack.

yes, you are being unreasonable.
she's 20 months old. you are an adult.

she is doing the only thing she knows how to try and stop you doing something she doesn't like.
she doesn't know any better.
and you are now teaching her that it's ok to hit when someone does something you don't like.

Yes YABU. She's 20 months. I'd just firmly tell her 'no' when she does it.

YABU, so she learns that scratching is bad...but slapping is OK?

It is hard, I know, but I wouldn't slap, sends out completely wrong message.

how old are you????
'she started it'!!
.are you real?

shes a child/baby,your an adult.grow up.you want to teach her violence is not acceptable,dont do it to her!

I can understand how annoying and frustrating it is, but don't think smacking is the answer, to be honest. I think quickly taking her hands off you when she starts and a firm but calm "No. You don't scratch people because it hurts" might be best, but it's a bit of a longer term thing. Can you give her something to distract her while changing, etc? I do sympathise, though - it's so hard not to get cross, and to remember that toddlers don't have the same understanding of other people's feelings and pain.

DD is 19 months and bites when over excited. There's no way I could smack her for it though - she's a baby and not purposely doing it to hurt. I just say 'no' firmly and sit her on the floor until she has calmed down. The same goes for her budding tantrums. I'll watch this thread with interest looking for ideas.

YABU. YOu are the adult, she is a toddler. If you smack her, you are showing her that it is acceptable to smack. She will learn from you what behaviour is acceptable. If you think violence is unacceptable, when it's a case of you being scratched, how is smacking her teaching her otherwise?

YABU. Sorry, but how can she be expected to learn that it is wrong to hurt someone if you do it back to her?

"She did it first" sounds pathetic from an adult about a baby, you know.

Hold her hands, tickle her, anything to distract her - tell her "kind hands", maybe.

In a way I think your sending her the message that it's ok to be violent. Instead, why not talk to her and if she's old enough to understand, when you've finished changing her nappy/getting her dressed use the 'naughty step/time out' method where you put her somewhere with zero distractions (toys etc) for so many minutes, usually a minute for every year of her life.

Well she is getting into the terrible twos soon and major tantrums so I wouldn't go down that slippery slope if I were you.

However being scratched constantly is a bummer. I don't know what you can do really to stop that happening. It's going to get worse when she starts throwing real tantrums. My dd used to smash her head (yes her head) into the wall or the floor. Just bumpf head crashes onto the wooden floor. If I was holding her (supermarket) or soemthing at the time, she'd crash her head into mine accompanied by the delightful sound of bones crushing(?). I used to try and be very still and strong sort of Buddhist monk crossed with a mountain till it subsided.

Good luck! You're in control,even if it doesn't feel like it at times, she's really just a little whippersnapper.

Erm, surely as her mother the easiest thing would be to make sure her nails are always too short to possibly scratch???

I agree the 'No' is enough.

And of course, let's all teach our children, it's normal to hit someone if they hit you first.

Gosh i hope you never have a younger child that accidently hits it's older sister only to get a bloody good whallop back, because she started it.

I really hope this is a wind-up.

The way you have phrased it 'she hits or scratches first' is a bit unfortunate as it does sound like you're saying 'she started it'! There are lots of ways of dealing with it rather than hitting her back.

Agree with Hunker - show her how to be gentle - take her hand and stroke your own hand and face, saying gently, or kind hands. Show her alternative behaviour that you like, not an angry reaction which will confuse her.

Ds is going through a phase at the moment of scratching and hitting, he is alomst 3. He does it when he wants attention, for example when daddy comes home from work and we are chatting or when I am paying attention to other children. I usually ignore it or if it is extreme, I grab his hand and say firmly 'no, that;s not nice to do that, it hurts mummy etc'
I also try to distract him, 'oh look up there, what's that' or something. I must say I have tapped him on the hand for this, but it had no effect except from making me feel guilty.

If I tell DD2 (nearly 2) NO chances are she will hit me , she's only a baby and this is her way fo dealing with her frustrations.

We have a 0 policy on hitting in this house, DP and I don't even play hit each other. I grab her hands and tell her firmly "no hitting!" She also knows "ouch thats sore, you've made Mummy sad followed by a big sad face from me" usually thats enough for her to burst into tears and say sorry. Not that I want her to burst into tears but she doesn't like you making a sad face IYSWIM.

Another thing we do is gently push her away from you saying Mummy doesn't like girls who hit, nip etc and ignore her for a couple of minutes. Then ask for a cuddle and say Mummy like cuddles not hitting etc.

I have never understood the rationale behind teaching a toddler it's wrong to hit by hitting them.

Oh, and I have been tempted. Sorely tempted. And have tapped (god, I can't even bring myself to say smacked because makes me feels so crap) ds once when I was so frustrated and cross and fed up with him whacking me.
Did it help? No.
Did I feel better? No.
Did it serve any purpose, in terms of teaching him anything? No.

WOW - must say am quite surprised, its only a smack on the hand after a warning hardly child cruelty I think, but points taken.

are you for real? or just a bit bored today?

of course smacking a child is not accepatable when you are trying to teach them NOT to do something 'violent' [duh]