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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me help my husband please!

40 replies

INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 19:23

NC for this as very outing.
Long term user - Elderly Korean Lady, naaiice ham, cancel the cheque and LTB X a million. Posting for traffic as it's Sunday I'm fully aware there's a Work thread etc.

My husband keeps starting jobs and leaving them. There's always a problem. It's either them or him or he's not needed any more or it wasn't what he thought it was going to be. He tries hard, I know he does. But we've been together twenty five years and I've been in the same job in all that time and he has started and left so many jobs I cannot tell you how many. He struggles. He struggles to sleep so he struggles to get up on time, he takes easy jobs but there's always a catch. He's hard-working when he is there but can't maintain that. Before I get cries of LTB I have to say that he is great in every single other way - he's supportive, kind, great with our adult DCs and lots more. But in this one area he can't seem to get it together. He hasn't always been like this. Made redundant three years ago and lived off the severance pay for awhile. I have a good professional job which has covered mortgage and bills.

Since being made redundant firstly COVID hit then he's been jumping around from job to job since. How can I help him? He's waiting for therapy regarding this. He is trying. Can anyone else relate to this? I love my husband but I cannot seem to help him with holding down a job. If I encourage him I can see he feels pressured but if I don't discuss work then I look like I'm not acknowledging that it's hard for him. Why is this happening? Can I help him? I know he can hold down a job as he did so without a hitch for over twenty years! Before everyone jumps on me saying I'm a fool I know that he's trying. I can see him trying. It's almost like he panics, or is scared or something and then he avoids work and starts all over again in yet another job?

No other signs of depression or anxiety but work is a red flag to me that he is not right.

What am I missing here?

OP posts:
HereComesTheSum · 27/02/2022 19:27

I've no idea but how long is the counselling going to take to start? Can you afford to pay privately to get that side of things moving. Some people are just not really cut out for work, I imagine he's also going for the wrong type of jobs that don't suit him. My father is law is the same and is now retired and has turned his attention to changing his bicycle every 2 months as none as ever quite right - I think this has replaced the work issue.

VioletLemon · 27/02/2022 19:29

Could he be affected by ADD?

3luckystars · 27/02/2022 19:31

Is it possible he has ADHD ?

DoorWasAJar · 27/02/2022 19:35

Struggling to sleep? Sleep deprivation can completely mess you up and turn anyone into a bumbling fool. It did it to me. I buy Trazodone online but recommend he asks his GP for it. It’s an old school antidepressant abd PTSD/CPTSD treatment and off label for insomnia.

Is ADHD/autism spectrum a possibility? Maybe just run of the mill midlife crisis? Have you asked him if he wants to retrain, is there something on Open University or check online what he might be interested in. HGV drivers are in demand if he likes to be on his own. I’m not sure what to recommend as I don’t know his interests or previous role. Was he happy there for 20 years?

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 19:37

Possibly @VioletLemon @3luckystars
But that wouldn't explain why he would be able to be fine for over ten years? Would ADHD or ADD not be picked up years ago (in his fifties now!) Good shout though - I've always thought he was just a bit scatty - he forgets where he's put his keys, his phone but he's been like that for decades it's not new. I would also be happy to say that he wasn't depressed because he is just the same as he's always been he just can't hold down a job like he could before redundancy.

OP posts:
Frazzled50yrold · 27/02/2022 19:39

Bless him, there must almost be an inevitability for him now that the jobs won't work out Some work places like retail seems to treat staff as being dispensable so it may not be his fault.
Could he target a staff shortage are where they will really want to keep him?

Pizzadreams · 27/02/2022 19:39

Can’t you wake him up. Or someone else. And hAve his stuff ready to go?

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 19:41

Very happy in his previous role - utterly broken when the firm collapsed. Thought it would be a job for life. So I've given him time to readjust and he tries so hard to settle down and keep a job but it never works out. It's a real mystery to me. He's a real creature of habit - he likes to park in the same place, take the same routes to and from places and does find change difficult which is why all this job changing is really out of character.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/02/2022 19:41

His previous job he might have been able to get away with it. I’d definitely look into an ADHD assessment so. People older than him have been diagnosed. All the very best.

3luckystars · 27/02/2022 19:42

He might be parking in the same place because he would forget where he parked otherwise. I do that!!

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 19:43

@Pizzadreams no. I love him and he's struggling with work. Show some compassion, offer some practical advice or get off the thread please.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 19:45

Sorry @Pizzadreams I get what you mean. No I can't wake him up I work an hour's train ride away and have to be long gone do no. Adult DC aren't at home.

OP posts:
smartiecake · 27/02/2022 19:46

I also thought ADHD?? No it would not necessarily have been picked up years ago or when he was younger. Maybe he managed well in his previous job because it suited him and any issues were not a problem/barrier for him? Maybe this is coming to light now because the new jobs highlight any issues he may have - disorganised maybe?

Gowithme · 27/02/2022 19:50

Bit scatty - what you say there sounds like he struggles with executive function typical with ADHD/ASD etc poor sleep is common too. So it's a possibility and probably wouldn't have been picked up back when he was at school.
On the sleep thing can he go to bed earlier and practice really good sleep hygiene? Might help. Maybe he just needs to find the right job for him? Did the redundancy knock his confidence? He might have felt comfortable there because he'd been there so long, he might be struggling with other jobs because they're new and he doesn't feel like he knows what's expected of him and gets overwhelmed.

I'm not sure what the answer is though.

Pizzadreams · 27/02/2022 19:53

@INeedJobHelp

Sorry *@Pizzadreams* I get what you mean. No I can't wake him up I work an hour's train ride away and have to be long gone do no. Adult DC aren't at home.
Can’t he get up with you then? Don’t leave him sleeping?
Upsidedownpineapplecake · 27/02/2022 20:06

I can see how that would be worrying for you. Do you think in his old job it was familiar and any issues he may have had would have been balanced by his skills? But in a new job they have no tolerance for his issues or he sabotages himself and leaves first.
Does he really want to work? Can you afford for him not to or only part time?
I imagine the loss of his original job both knocked his confidence and due to having time off it has changed how he thinks about work. The counselling sounds a good idea but otherwise I don’t think you can really help him he needs to figure this out.
Also he would probably benefit from a full health check.

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 20:08

He doesn't sleep well so I'm loathed to wake him up when I go. He's a zombie in the mornings due to insomnia. I don't have the time as have to walk dog before commute. He needs to be able to get up and go himself. He could go many years so I'm sure he can again. Also, I've tried and it doesn't always work anyway. I can't treat him like a child.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/02/2022 20:10

He should get up with you and walk to the dog. It might help if he had a routine. Ask him if he can do this every morning, it might also help with his sleeping.

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 20:10

@Upsidedownpineapplecake that's helpful, thank you. Definitely think his confidence and sense of identity was shook. He thought it was a job for life. Will discuss health check etc. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 20:11

I don't want him to get up and walk the dog with me when he has only had a few hours sleep. He has terrible sleeping problems, I am not dragging him out of bed to walk the dog. It's unnecessary.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/02/2022 20:18

It’s not though, I meant he should walk to dog for you. You are going off to work. The exercise will help him sleep better that night. It would have a good effect on his sleep. If he does have ADHD, exercise could really really help him.

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 20:19

@DoorWasAJar where do you get Trazadone online?

OP posts:
NeverChange · 27/02/2022 20:47

This reads like a classic case of confidence crisis. The man is clearly capable of holding down a long term job, he did it in the past. It was pretty comfortable and confident and he was probably seen as one of the senior more experienced staff. No he is starting in companies where there are staff probably half his age showing him what to do. It will have an impact on his confidence etc. He doesn't know how he fits in etc.

Experience and interviews must be good as he's getting jobs.

Does he actually know what he's good at and where his weaknesses are?

Maybe get him to tell us all of the things he 3enjoyed and that energised him about the old job. Then ask him about what drained him and he didn't enjoy doing.

Then try to see if any of these jobs contained all the things he doesn't like. It is very possible.

If nothing else it will give him a better idea of his skills etc.

Where have the others who took redundancy at the same time gone? What companies? What roles?
Has he any old friends from that job, he could speak to about how they adapted to the change.

If you can afford to maybe get him to take a lower level job than he had previously. It would take the pressure off and he could move up on e his confidence grows etc.

Original poster
INeedJobHelp · 27/02/2022 21:08

@NeverChange it was a small company two retired early and one set up a consultancy business on his own. It was like a family and he felt in his element.

He doesn't want to do what did then. Can't say too much as very outing but think a qualified professional in a niche role but he now wants a total change. Problem is all he's looking at is casual and/or basic jobs with no qualifications necessary. So past jobs have been in retail, offices, factories, pubs, fast food as he feels too old (and set in his ways) to retrain.

Due to pandemic and time/industry moving on he won't apply for posts related to his old role. May be it's too painful? It won't ever be the same as it was for him in a new workplace.

I do think it may be confidence, maybe he's set in his ways but also there's a bit of reluctance to properly give things a good go hence all the different jobs.

Could there be a middle ground? I feel like it's becoming a pattern he cannot break unfortunately.

OP posts:
Blossombouquet · 27/02/2022 21:29

My DH has been a little like this.
Spent 10/15 years in the same job & then when he got made redundant from that he was a bit lost.
He just needs to find his new place OP. No specific advice sort from hang in there.
I also think my DH is neurodiverse, he’s early forties & nothing in his records previously to indicate it was a consideration.