Help me help my husband please!

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NC for this as very outing.
Long term user - Elderly Korean Lady, naaiice ham, cancel the cheque and LTB X a million. Posting for traffic as it's Sunday I'm fully aware there's a Work thread etc.

My husband keeps starting jobs and leaving them. There's always a problem. It's either them or him or he's not needed any more or it wasn't what he thought it was going to be. He tries hard, I know he does. But we've been together twenty five years and I've been in the same job in all that time and he has started and left so many jobs I cannot tell you how many. He struggles. He struggles to sleep so he struggles to get up on time, he takes easy jobs but there's always a catch. He's hard-working when he is there but can't maintain that. Before I get cries of LTB I have to say that he is great in every single other way - he's supportive, kind, great with our adult DCs and lots more. But in this one area he can't seem to get it together. He hasn't always been like this. Made redundant three years ago and lived off the severance pay for awhile. I have a good professional job which has covered mortgage and bills.

Since being made redundant firstly COVID hit then he's been jumping around from job to job since. How can I help him? He's waiting for therapy regarding this. He is trying. Can anyone else relate to this? I love my husband but I cannot seem to help him with holding down a job. If I encourage him I can see he feels pressured but if I don't discuss work then I look like I'm not acknowledging that it's hard for him. Why is this happening? Can I help him? I know he can hold down a job as he did so without a hitch for over twenty years! Before everyone jumps on me saying I'm a fool I know that he's trying. I can see him trying. It's almost like he panics, or is scared or something and then he avoids work and starts all over again in yet another job?

No other signs of depression or anxiety but work is a red flag to me that he is not right.

What am I missing here?

@Blossombouquet that's really interesting and helpful. I hear stories all the time about people who have been in the same position as my DH that have just slotted into a new job and got on with it but I'm just getting false start after false start with him. I think he is lost. I think he feels past it and out of touch and I also think having someone his son's age boss him around is a bitter pill to swallow although he's never said as much. I just think it might be for him after being so invested in his old job.

Does he need a job? I mean do you really need the money? Or could he get a job related to a hobby or passion that maybe doesn't pay as much but would motivate him? for example, gardening or coaching a sport or something in the local community?

I think he is being naive thinking he can walk into a new job in new sector without getting new skills and training. Why wouldn't he want to use his significant experience to get a job he is qualified in

Hi OP

Not many places will be ok with someone new coming in late. It's one thing when you've been working there years and they know you can get the job done and trust you etc but a new stater on probation will struggle. Has he done all he can around d this, adjusting sleeping habits, mindfulness, meditation, seeing the GP if necessary etc?

Other than that, has he asked for specific feedback on areas to work on from his recent jobs, and acted on this?

Would he consider going to a career coach?

He sounds like someone who doesn't really know what is skillset is and what he brings to the table. No matter where he was amazing or useless in his previous role, he will have a skillset that can be transferred and useful elsewhere.

He just doesn't seem to have found that yet and probably doesn't feel appreciated in roles where younger staff can run rings around him as he is new to the industry.

I think they are both arguments I've said to him @parietal and @Hankunamatata on many occasion. He wants to work. He will hunt down another job as soon as one goes tits up. He's not just going through the motions at all. At least I don't think he would go to all the effort and the rigmoral of doing that over and over if he didn't want it in some shape or form. I think he's just struggling to feel like he fits somewhere. Of course he's niaive and that's why he's been going for jobs in food places, shops, factories making toys etc. I don't even think he thinks it through - he just thinks I want a job to feel like myself again and so he's off again.He's going for unqualified jobs in not being rude here - he's starting again from the bottom up you know ... ermmm the type of job he would have had when he was doing his A-Levels years ago only he's not staying with it. He's trying but finding it boring or tedious or a waste of his time and he's leaving. He's even joined a work agency. You know where they get the job for you? They say this job is whatever hours can you do that he'll say sure then he starts it and it must be awful because he's quit it and he'll get his pay from it and just be on to the next idea. The agency never say a word as I suspect they are making money from him being there - like a cut or commission otherwise why would they help him get the job in the first place? I don't think they care about what he wants they just want their pound of flesh for him doing something! I think that's how it works anyway.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I have no idea! From an outsider point of view I think he worries about work so he can't sleep then he's slow, unorganized, late, slow to pick up instructions etc and it all just snowballs until he quits. So even a job that should be a diddle for him to do is annoying and in his words "not worth the money for the drama" which is fair enough but then he goes out and does the same thing again. I've asked him to think about what went wrong last time and think about how he could change things this time - he nods but I think he finds me a patronising old so-and-so I end up walking on eggshells about the whole work topic.

I must hit the hay I have my own job to maintain and my train won't wait for me. I'll be back on tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who's replied and advised so far. I'm so glad I posted although I did feel a bit foolish for it earlier. Thanks everyone.

Iv been there with my own dh. During to financial pressures I explained that we needed him to go back into his field. It was a bit of a tough love moment. Once he had secured a job then he could retrain part time to do something else. He got a job back in his industry, ended up staying in his industry, has done about 3 moves in the industry until he found an employer he liked.

I'd also suggest ADHD as a possibility. And no, it wouldn't necessarily have been picked up years ago. There is a much better understanding of neurodivergence now (but we still have a long way to go) and people are being regularly diagnosed in their 40s and 50s.

If you can afford it perhaps he needs a break to reassess and possibly consider retraining. At the moment he’s in a destructive cycle which will be impacting on his confidence and motivation.

Certainly get him to see his GP. Insomnia and everything else you describe sound like depression or anxiety.

Could be that the toll of being unregulated and feeling unable to settle is now eroding his ability to offset any ADD/HD behaviours.

Has he had a head injury previously in life?

Has he seen a careers consultant or careers coach? It sounds like he needs help identifying the type of job he should do now. I can understand why bar or retail work would be boring to him. It sounds like he isn’t going for the right jobs.

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Possibly *@VioletLemon* *@3luckystars* But that wouldn't explain why he would be able to be fine for over ten years? Would ADHD or ADD not be picked up years ago (in his fifties now!) Good shout though - I've always thought he was just a bit scatty - he forgets where he's put his keys, his phone but he's been like that for decades it's not new. I would also be happy to say that he wasn't depressed because he is just the same as he's always been he just can't hold down a job like he could before redundancy.

I am 59. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I have held some very senior and well paid jobs. Never had a job longer than 6 years though and some much shorter. The world isn’t geared for us. At all.

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He doesn't sleep well so I'm loathed to wake him up when I go. He's a zombie in the mornings due to insomnia. I don't have the time as have to walk dog before commute. He needs to be able to get up and go himself. He could go many years so I'm sure he can again. Also, I've tried and it doesn't always work anyway. I can't treat him like a child.

ADHD.