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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cleaning elderly relatives home

54 replies

frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 16:44

My mum lives in the same town as my 95 year old gran. Mum is one of seven siblings and she can't drive for medical reasons and she works full time in the same town. Her siblings live around 40mins- an hour away and are either retired or have never needed to work.

My gran asked my mum last year if she would clean her house for her. My mum visits most days and was already doing things around the house but now spends a couple of hours giving the bathroom and kitchen a proper clean every week. On a Saturday she'll get the bus to the supermarket to do a weekly shop for my gran and then get back on the bus to do her own weekly shop. Her siblings will occasionally come to visit but they never bring anything and always expect lunch when they come, with whatever is in my gran's fridge.

My gran has started buying my mum treats more often because of what she's doing for her. My mum was a single parent to me and my brother and hasn't always had spare cash. My gran doesn't go out anymore and she says that doing things like paying for my mum to have a night at the theatre or a meal out makes her happy. My gran has also been very good to me and my DC.

When one of my uncles came to visit my gran she mentioned both that my mum had cleaned the kitchen and that she had paid for her and I to have a meal out recently. It's basically all come out and my aunts and uncles are livid that my gran is treating my mum because of all the things she does for her. The words 'thats our inheritance' have actually come up.

My gran wouldn't pay for a cleaning service as she wouldn't want a stranger in home (she has a lot of cash stashed around the house) and she's unable to clean it for herself as her eyesight and mobility isn't great. Her children have also expressed that they don't want her spending money on cleaning because they see that as 'their' money.

My mum's siblings (who range from 60-76) have said she shouldn't be accepting these 'treats' as they think that money rightfully belongs to all of them.

YABU- no she shouldn't take anything for helping her elderly mother.
YANBU- its gran's money to spend as she likes, this makes her happy and her house is clean.

OP posts:
RincewindsHat · 27/02/2022 16:47

The answer is obvious. Your uncle and the other siblings need to get off their arses and help out with the shopping and cleaning on a regular basis in that case. If your gran needs help, she needs help. It's her money and she can do what she wants with it.

HollowTalk · 27/02/2022 16:51

That cash needs to be stored somewhere safe. If your uncles and aunts suddenly start cleaning the house, I don't think much of it will remain. For what it's worth, I completely agree with your grandmother treating your mum. Your mum is helping her and so it's vice versa.

LadybirdOcean · 27/02/2022 16:54

It honestly sickens me when people say things like ‘it’s my inheritance they’re spending’ and start mentally spending their inheritance etc. it’s not anyones inheritance, it’s that persons money. If your gran wanted to light the fire with £20 it’s not anyone else business, it’s her money and she can spend it how she likes. She’s happy, she’s looked after and she’s enjoying (some) of her family. You/your mum/your gran are not unreasonable at all.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/02/2022 16:54

YANBU

Your gran should tell them it's not their inheritance, it's her money, and if she hears one more word about it she'll be leaving the whole lot to the cat's home.

Bloody entitled cheeky fuckers.

AliMonkey · 27/02/2022 16:55

YANBU. Is there a reason why your siblings aren't able to take their turn in cleaning and shopping? With that many of them, they could each to something (shop or clean) every three weeks and then none of them have a huge burden. And anyway your gran can do what she like with her money and if she wanted to give it all to your mum (or indeed to someone else) then that's up to her.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 16:55

@HollowTalk

That cash needs to be stored somewhere safe. If your uncles and aunts suddenly start cleaning the house, I don't think much of it will remain. For what it's worth, I completely agree with your grandmother treating your mum. Your mum is helping her and so it's vice versa.
My mum also does her banking for her and will intervene when it gets to a certain point. My gran doesn't go out so my mum needs to go to the cash point for her and as she does her shopping she has a rough idea when the stashes will be piling up.
OP posts:
BirdOnTheWire · 27/02/2022 16:57

Perhaps your mum can set up a rota for the cleaning and shopping?
Then everyone helps out.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 16:58

@AliMonkey

YANBU. Is there a reason why your siblings aren't able to take their turn in cleaning and shopping? With that many of them, they could each to something (shop or clean) every three weeks and then none of them have a huge burden. And anyway your gran can do what she like with her money and if she wanted to give it all to your mum (or indeed to someone else) then that's up to her.
I genuinely don't think it occurs to them that their mum needs the help. I don't know where they think the food in the fridge comes from.

I get a feeling that since my mum has been divorced for 30 odd years and living alone since me and my brother left they see it as her job (in addition to her actual full time job)

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 27/02/2022 16:58

YANBU - your mum sounds like a lovely person and if her mum wants to treat her sometimes as a Thank You, that’s fair enough and no one else’s business

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 16:59

Your mum/gran needs to tell the rest of the family to either step up or shut up.

Your mum is being very kind and clearly going above and beyond as she works full time.

Hmum0three · 27/02/2022 17:05

@frustratedcroissant1 Wow they do absolutely nothing for her but have already put a claim on her money Confused

I cleaned for my nan every week and did her food shopping for the last 11 months of her life, she paid me £40 a week.

So in total she probably gave me just under 2K, this came out of my mums "inheritance" (I don't believe anyone has inheritance until its in their bank account) if she had said anything like your OP I would have disowned her!

My nan got company every week, a clean home and a stocked fridge until the day she passed. That was priceless to her and my mum, these people are pigs!

Gowithme · 27/02/2022 17:05

There isn't currently any bloody inheritance as she's still alive and so is free to spend her money as she sees fit. Goodness they sound very grabby. I thought you were going to say that gran was paying her to clean for her which would be equally fine IMO - no different to a child giving their mum money to look after their child rather than paying nursery fees. It also sounds like she pays for your mum to do things and then as she can't get out herself gets to hear all about it from your mum and so gets to live a little vicariously through her. It sounds like a lovely arrangement and the other relies need to back off or start helping out themselves.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 17:07

[quote Hmum0three]@frustratedcroissant1 Wow they do absolutely nothing for her but have already put a claim on her money Confused

I cleaned for my nan every week and did her food shopping for the last 11 months of her life, she paid me £40 a week.

So in total she probably gave me just under 2K, this came out of my mums "inheritance" (I don't believe anyone has inheritance until its in their bank account) if she had said anything like your OP I would have disowned her!

My nan got company every week, a clean home and a stocked fridge until the day she passed. That was priceless to her and my mum, these people are pigs![/quote]
Yes, I think the company is really important as well. My mum will go round most days.

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 27/02/2022 17:08

It is your gran's money and it seems like she enjoys looking after and giving your mum a (very) well deserved treat in a way she still can. The other siblings need to sort themselves out if they want to help as well.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 17:08

@Gowithme

There isn't currently any bloody inheritance as she's still alive and so is free to spend her money as she sees fit. Goodness they sound very grabby. I thought you were going to say that gran was paying her to clean for her which would be equally fine IMO - no different to a child giving their mum money to look after their child rather than paying nursery fees. It also sounds like she pays for your mum to do things and then as she can't get out herself gets to hear all about it from your mum and so gets to live a little vicariously through her. It sounds like a lovely arrangement and the other relies need to back off or start helping out themselves.
When my gran was in her 80's one of my aunt's cleared out the loft as 'it'll mean we can sell the house quicker'.

I despise my mother's siblings. They're vultures.

OP posts:
Mushr0000mPie · 27/02/2022 17:09

YANBU

mommybear1 · 27/02/2022 17:14

Your last comment is spot on I am in a similar situation I do the cleaning/cooking and support for my Dad other sibling does nothing. I wont accept money so my Dad gets little things for my DS4 like a little toy bin lorry etc. I definitely think your Mom needs to sort the hidden cash sadly that will I think disappear. Does your Mom have Power of Attorney you may want to look into that asap.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 17:17

@mommybear1

Your last comment is spot on I am in a similar situation I do the cleaning/cooking and support for my Dad other sibling does nothing. I wont accept money so my Dad gets little things for my DS4 like a little toy bin lorry etc. I definitely think your Mom needs to sort the hidden cash sadly that will I think disappear. Does your Mom have Power of Attorney you may want to look into that asap.
She does have power of attorney, they arranged that a few years ago. I'm not sure how much my mum will be able to do though after she passes, they're really close and she'll be devastated so I'm not sure how much of a fight over money she'd be up for.
OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 27/02/2022 17:21

As others have said - keep her 'stashes' of cash in the bank or the vile siblings will steal it 'as their entitlement'.
The siblings need to be told how the food gets in the house, how the home is cleaned and how their mother gets company she can trust. Then she continues doing what she thinks is best.
It's hard to imagine more obnoxious siblings than that lot.

Wednesdayafternoon · 27/02/2022 17:23

I think it sounds like a lovely thing your mum and Grandma have going on. I bet your grandma loves being able to treat your mum and your Mum loves being able to help her mum. Sounds like her siblings are very jelous and insecure and trying to put that on your mum!!

Comtesse · 27/02/2022 17:24

I would call the lot of them and give them a piece of my mind. Behaving very badly - how dare they pass judgement like that.

StoneofDestiny · 27/02/2022 17:24

She does have power of attorney, they arranged that a few years ago. I'm not sure how much my mum will be able to do though after she passes, they're really close and she'll be devastated so I'm not sure how much of a fight over money she'd be up for

Try and get someone else on the POA with her e.g. yourself, and fight them all the way, or just support her to fight. Hell, I'd be so outraged if my siblings behaved like that I'd fight like never before just to exorcise my anger.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 17:27

@StoneofDestiny

She does have power of attorney, they arranged that a few years ago. I'm not sure how much my mum will be able to do though after she passes, they're really close and she'll be devastated so I'm not sure how much of a fight over money she'd be up for

Try and get someone else on the POA with her e.g. yourself, and fight them all the way, or just support her to fight. Hell, I'd be so outraged if my siblings behaved like that I'd fight like never before just to exorcise my anger.

I believe everything in the will is split evenly between the siblings anyway.
OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 27/02/2022 17:30

Be very wary of holding too much cash in the house. Her insurance may not cover in the event of a claim. (I think I'm insured for about £250 cash).

verybusyknitter · 27/02/2022 17:35

I think the POA will lapse when your gran dies. Do you know who is named as executor in her will? That is who will have the responsibility of sorting out her affairs.

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