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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cleaning elderly relatives home

54 replies

frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 16:44

My mum lives in the same town as my 95 year old gran. Mum is one of seven siblings and she can't drive for medical reasons and she works full time in the same town. Her siblings live around 40mins- an hour away and are either retired or have never needed to work.

My gran asked my mum last year if she would clean her house for her. My mum visits most days and was already doing things around the house but now spends a couple of hours giving the bathroom and kitchen a proper clean every week. On a Saturday she'll get the bus to the supermarket to do a weekly shop for my gran and then get back on the bus to do her own weekly shop. Her siblings will occasionally come to visit but they never bring anything and always expect lunch when they come, with whatever is in my gran's fridge.

My gran has started buying my mum treats more often because of what she's doing for her. My mum was a single parent to me and my brother and hasn't always had spare cash. My gran doesn't go out anymore and she says that doing things like paying for my mum to have a night at the theatre or a meal out makes her happy. My gran has also been very good to me and my DC.

When one of my uncles came to visit my gran she mentioned both that my mum had cleaned the kitchen and that she had paid for her and I to have a meal out recently. It's basically all come out and my aunts and uncles are livid that my gran is treating my mum because of all the things she does for her. The words 'thats our inheritance' have actually come up.

My gran wouldn't pay for a cleaning service as she wouldn't want a stranger in home (she has a lot of cash stashed around the house) and she's unable to clean it for herself as her eyesight and mobility isn't great. Her children have also expressed that they don't want her spending money on cleaning because they see that as 'their' money.

My mum's siblings (who range from 60-76) have said she shouldn't be accepting these 'treats' as they think that money rightfully belongs to all of them.

YABU- no she shouldn't take anything for helping her elderly mother.
YANBU- its gran's money to spend as she likes, this makes her happy and her house is clean.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 27/02/2022 17:38

YANBU at all, Gran can do whatever she likes. just make sure she has a very safe place for any money or things of value to be stored in., away from the queue of people waiting to pounce on anything. The people who are making comments about your gran and what she does with her money, are the worst kind of humans. I have witnessed this kind of behaviour in my family years ago.

Lollypop701 · 27/02/2022 17:41

Definitely yanbu.. it’s her money to spend and she can do what she wants with it. Tell them to piss off

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 17:44

@verybusyknitter

I think the POA will lapse when your gran dies. Do you know who is named as executor in her will? That is who will have the responsibility of sorting out her affairs.
I think the executor is a lawyer.

Before my grandad passed there was talk of splitting things nine ways to include my brother and I. There are 17 grandchildren and we are the clear favourites but there was so much fuss about this suggestion that it was agreed only the siblings will inherit and its up to them if they want to give something to the grandkids.

OP posts:
MrsWinters · 27/02/2022 17:45

It’s not their inheritance until she’s dead, so she can spend the money however she likes. If she wants to treat you mum as a thanks for helping her out then that’s fine.
Tell the others to stop divving up the possessions of someone whose still alive, it’s crass and distasteful.

cptartapp · 27/02/2022 17:47

Your gran, who is not short of money, is happy to let her ft working DD runaround cleaning her house, visiting daily and doing errands indefinitely?! Really? She's ok with her doing this??!
Your gran might be happy but having seen family members feel increasingly resentful and put upon in such circumstances I bet your DM would rather your GM spent some of her plentiful money on buying in help and relieved her of this burden.
After all, it's what we 'scrimp and save for all our lives' isn't it? I hope I never put this responsibility on my DC who have their own lives to lead.
Nothing to do with her siblings though.

DreadPirateRobert · 27/02/2022 17:58

Is your gran aware of her other children's thoughts on this? Does she know that her kids are counting her money as theirs already?

Kumbaya12 · 27/02/2022 18:08

YANBU.
Your mother's running around for the sake of 'other people's inheritance already!
Does your gran know their attitude?

Crimesean · 27/02/2022 18:10

Bloody hell, she's STILL ALIVE! It's still HER money, to spend as she wishes! Your mum sounds lovely, her siblings sound like grabby chancers.

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 18:11

@DreadPirateRobert

Is your gran aware of her other children's thoughts on this? Does she know that her kids are counting her money as theirs already?
She is, she refers to her eldest as 'greedy guts'.
OP posts:
Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 18:12

@cptartapp

Your gran, who is not short of money, is happy to let her ft working DD runaround cleaning her house, visiting daily and doing errands indefinitely?! Really? She's ok with her doing this??! Your gran might be happy but having seen family members feel increasingly resentful and put upon in such circumstances I bet your DM would rather your GM spent some of her plentiful money on buying in help and relieved her of this burden. After all, it's what we 'scrimp and save for all our lives' isn't it? I hope I never put this responsibility on my DC who have their own lives to lead. Nothing to do with her siblings though.
My gran doesn't seem to think of herself as a burden on my mum and my mum is happy to do it as she doesn't know how much longer her DM will be around (though she's been saying that for about 10 years).
OP posts:
Fernandina · 27/02/2022 18:16

@StoneofDestiny

She does have power of attorney, they arranged that a few years ago. I'm not sure how much my mum will be able to do though after she passes, they're really close and she'll be devastated so I'm not sure how much of a fight over money she'd be up for

Try and get someone else on the POA with her e.g. yourself, and fight them all the way, or just support her to fight. Hell, I'd be so outraged if my siblings behaved like that I'd fight like never before just to exorcise my anger.

Power of attorney lapses on a person's death anyway, and is replaced by the executor named in the will, whoever that is.

Your mum needs to carefully keep records of exactly what she is doing with the money, so there is proof (should it be needed) that she hasn't been taking any for herself.

If your GM wants to take her out and pay for a meal to say thank you for helping, well why not? It's her money, she can do what she likes with it.

PermanentTemporary · 27/02/2022 18:16

Fgs. If your granny wants to give your mum a treat why the hell shouldn't she, with or without the help. She's not paying her to clean tbh, she's showing loving recognition that it costs your mum to do this.

Having said that... it wouldn't be a bad idea if your granny started getting some outside support as well. It sounds as if your mum will push herself way beyond exhaustion level for her. She might want to do that, but every day? Forever? What about holidays, weeks off, just a bit of a break?

WeAllHaveWings · 27/02/2022 18:18

My mum's siblings (who range from 60-76) have said she shouldn't be accepting these 'treats' as they think that money rightfully belongs to all of them.

Reply thanking them for their offer to share the load as your mum is really struggling, send them a cleaning/shopping/all the other things your mum does rota

Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 18:19

@Fernandina my gran is pretty much housebound so she gives my mum cash and tells her to take me or my brother out for a meal, she doesn't go herself. I think that might be part of the defining line for them, even though she tends to suggest what the money is used for it looks like she's just paying her cold hard cash.

Which from the responses in this thread I'm thinking actually wouldn't be that unreasonable either.

OP posts:
Original poster
frustratedcroissant1 · 27/02/2022 18:24

@PermanentTemporary

Fgs. If your granny wants to give your mum a treat why the hell shouldn't she, with or without the help. She's not paying her to clean tbh, she's showing loving recognition that it costs your mum to do this.

Having said that... it wouldn't be a bad idea if your granny started getting some outside support as well. It sounds as if your mum will push herself way beyond exhaustion level for her. She might want to do that, but every day? Forever? What about holidays, weeks off, just a bit of a break?

She has carers come in in the morning and at night to help her shower and dress. She doesn't mind that but the cleaning is a different matter because she doesn't want someone she doesn't know 'poking around'.
OP posts:
Ethelswith · 27/02/2022 18:32

I wouldn't take cold hard cash from my DMum, because when I do the cleaning or gardening when I visit it's because I want her to be comfortable in nice surroundings. She's getting on, and finds it difficult to do some things herself. She had a gardener and a cleaner before covid, but hasn't got either back yet.

Despite thinking that about cash, I think treats in return are absolutely fine.

It's my DBro who has done the lion's share of looking after her during the pandemic because he moved in with her and is still there. Rent free, all bills and food covered. I don't begrudge him any part of that, rather I'm grateful because even though he's not the greatest housekeeper (which is why I end up doing stuff). Because DMum is being properly looked after in lots of important ways and I dint need to worry (I'm about 2 hours away, so can't pop over)

Your Mum sounds lovely, OP. I'll refrain from commenting on her siblings

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/02/2022 18:34

I agree with the poster who suggested a rota. Either you or your Mum needs to draw one up giving everyone a weekend when it is their turn to clean and shop. Your Mum needs to email them all making it clear that she is no longer prepared to do it all and attach the rota. Put a note at the bottom saying that if they are unable to do their week they can either swap or arrange and pay for someone else to do their turn.

LittleOwl153 · 27/02/2022 18:35

My mum also does her banking for her and will intervene when it gets to a certain point. My gran doesn't go out so my mum needs to go to the cash point for her and as she does her shopping she has a rough idea when the stashes will be piling up.

Get your mum to be VERY careful.about recording what your mum asks her to do - if she's doing banking etc. As it woukd be really easy for her siblings to turn on her and accuse her of stealing this money.

SquirrelG · 27/02/2022 18:56

What a disgusting attitude your DM's siblings have! It is not "their inheritance" until their mother dies, at the moment it is her money and she can spend it as she wishes. It really makes me angry when I hear of people who leave all the work to someone else and then complain because that person might get some small benefit for doing the work. They sound like a bunch of vultures.

Onlyforcake · 27/02/2022 19:01

Your mum's siblings are awful! They need to pull their fingers out and support their mother whether or not they get lunch out of it. A clear "she doesn't do it for theatre trips" message to your aunt's/ uncles. I hate the grabby bastards that exsit in families. I've seen it a fair bit in care. Awful.

olympicsrock · 27/02/2022 19:06

YANBU. Your mum is a good daughter and your gran appreciates this and wants to treat her instead of paying her for your time.

It’s lively and the greedy guts squad should butt out

Dou8hnuts · 27/02/2022 19:35

Send them all a rota of the weekly jobs, along with a shopping list, and also ask them what day they can also pop in and have a cuppa / batter with your gran because by the sounds of it your mum is the only face she sees most days and enjoys the company. I bet they’d soon be “busy” or “it’s too much”. Your mum is doing her best and that money belongs to your Gran. They have no say in the matter at all. Your gran is testing your mum because she chose to. Your mum would still pop in daily no matter what whereas they just show up when it suits and use the food in the fridge. Fox I wouldn’t dream of doing that. My Nan is 92 and when I go I take chocolates. Some wax melts she loves. I pop across to the shop and get some chips or some stuff to make a meal and I make a meal for me and her. If I’m making a curry the day before I freeze her some so she’s got a homemade ready meal she likes that I can pop in her freezer. I wouldn’t take a penny off my Nan for stuff I take her that’s my choice to take them. But I also wouldn’t just waltz in and take stuff out her fridge to feed myself as it’s rude and unfair. Your mums siblings know exactly who’s doing things and I know for a fact they wouldn’t want to find the time to give your mum a break despite being retired or not having to work. Your mums hard working and reliable whereas her siblings sound like greedy a#%€holes!

SnowdaySewday · 27/02/2022 22:19

Please don't send the siblings a rota for the cleaning and shopping. It's too many people and will become unmanageable. Ask each one individually what they will commit to doing. If they offer anything and DGM wants their help, then accept it, but expect it to be short-term and flaky.

With a rota, the siblings will either not step up, leaving DGM not properly cared for, take advantage of the access to DGM's money and possessions, start to re-arrange things in the house, and bicker amongst themselves.

Or all of the above. It'll take more time and energy to manage them than to do or organise the tasks yourselves. The only thing they will agree on is that DM and you are somehow in the wrong with whatever you do.

That said, you, DM and DGM should be looking at ways of making things more manageable for DM, e.g. Get the shopping delivered, or someone to drive her, and DM needs to be careful to protect herself against unfounded allegations, e.g. Keep records of any financial transactions she carries out.

JustLyra · 27/02/2022 22:25

Tell your Mum to message her siblings and ask them what days they want to be put on the rota.

I had this when my Nana was ill - very quickly it was decided that she should keep paying my fuel money to help out.

MRS54321 · 27/02/2022 22:27

She needs to get a carers allowance or be paid equivalent by GM as a carer and everyone else can fuck off