MILs idea of what her role is

[Benjoir]

Myself and MIL were sitting in her living room, she was holding DC and chatting to him.

I'm watching the tele and I hear her say to DC "Yes, mummy and daddy thinking I'm annoying and interfering, but that's my job, isn't it?"

Firstly, I've never said she's annoying nor interfering. She can be very OTT at times, but I let it slide because I just go home and I don't have to worry about it, and quick frankly I can't be bothered with the hassle.

What are people thoughts on this? I'm I'm bit miffed . Surely it's nobodys job to be interfering or annoy new parents?

My MIL does insanely annoying things, tells me her MIL did it to her and that's why she hated her MIL. So, like you, I do sort of wonder - if she knows she's doing it, why is she doing it?!

@Porcupineintherough

This is AIBU not "tell me I'm right".

It is indeed Am I being Unreasonable? Vs Tell Me I’m Unreasonable Whatever My OP Is. Such a seemingly subtle difference. Some people can see it and others cannot. There must be something those groups have in common there somewhere.

theecats

I was not supporting it. Quite.

I think it’s passive aggressive.. she feels she is ‘interfering’ and doesn’t want to be, she obvs is! Good luck.. she sounds a dream 😬

@Ionlydomassiveones

She’s telling you she’s not stupid, she knows what you think of her.

exactly. isn't it obvious ? she see no reason to work on it, because she is saying that she knows that that is what you think of her, not that she agrees with you.

@Ionlydomassiveones

She’s telling you she’s not stupid, she knows what you think of her.

Exactly

@5128gap

I wouldn't take it literally. Depending on her personality it's either a joke based on the stereotype of MILs, or possibly a PA acknowledgement that she knows she irritates you. MiLs would have to live under a rock to miss the narrative that their DILs are irritated by them. Most don't do it on purpose, its the nature of the relationship and there appears no consensus on what is expected. Too little and they're unsupportive, too much and they're interfering. Typically, (though not aimed at you, who may be lovely to her) very little respect for their experience, and always the knowledge that their relationship with the children lies in their DILs hands. I'm not a MIL to a DIL, but can imagine its not an easy role. It's possible she's referencing the role ascribed to her rather than making a statement of intent, but you know her best.

Or, instead of all that, she could have been just making a light-hearted remark and you're too 'sensitive' to realise that! When my grandchildren are collected after a weekend or whatever and their parents say What did you do? we often laugh and say What happens and grandma's stays at grandma's!!!! We all know that it means nothing and we all take it like that!

@Cakelover17

It sounds like a lighthearted joke, aimed at someone who is clearly very easy to wind up.

And how!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hate it when people say what they want to say through babies. Just speak directly to me like an adult!!

I dunno, she could have been looking for reassurance? Maybe she feels a bit guilty or a bit anxious about annoying you, especially if she’s not trying to interfere, and this was her way of sort of apologising or even just checking whether you did feel that way? Maybe she was hoping you’d laugh and say ‘don’t be silly’ and now her anxiety about it is even worse! Unless she’s a horrible person I would try not to assume the worst of her.

@Summerfun54321

Why does she have to work on her interfering and annoying behaviour? Why can’t you work on your tolerance and politeness levels? She’s your DH’s mother and she won’t be around forever.

I totally get this. They are annoying but they are your DH parents.

My DH parents both died when he was very young.

We both have children - just none together. I'd give anything to have had her and his dad for him for our family to get on our nerves for him. Ie they are not here forever.

I don't think she was being pa. It's common baby chat and her accepting how MILs are viewed and how grans are viewed. You could have reassured her by saying she wasn't those things or by saying yes you are but we love you anyway. Instead you came to MN to complain about it. That's quite an ott response and won't be helping your dynamic

She clearly thinks she knows better than you and that you should ask her for advice more. My Mum does the same thing. I actually find relating to my mil easier - she was a working woman, breastfed to 2-3, and has useful advice. But mil isn’t interested in giving advice to anyone other than her dd lol. Just ignore her comments - if you don’t react she’ll soon stop

@girlmom21

Why not just take a step back and work on your "annoying and interfering" behaviour rather than make snarky comments?

Because she doesn't think she's annoying and interfering. She knows that's what you think of her and she thinks you need to loosen up a little.

It hilarious that a new parent minding their own business needs to ‘loosen up’ but someone with grown up kids who feel the need to inflict their own philosophy on others is seen as totally chill.

@Cissyandflora

I would have said - ah you’re not annoying! We love you! Don’t we baby?

You can be loving or you can be like tillytopper

absolutely THIS... And then have a big laugh.

Oh be kind OP. Her comment wasn’t mean or aggressive- she was making a somewhat self deprecating joke. Perhaps she knows you find her irritating and wanted to acknowledge this without being confrontational, to ease the tension. Perhaps she was just making lighthearted joke about how MIL’s/ grandparents are perceived. Either way you should lighten up and be more tolerant. She’s your DH’s mother and your babies grandmother. You may be a MIL one day, and then maybe you’ll appreciate how hard it can be.

It's not just baby talk. She's passively aggressively being rude to you. My exmil use to say "we are going to have to smack mummy's bum if she carries on like this!" Usually if I dared to get their hair cut or put them in clothes she didn't like. I was a total coward and said nothing even tho it use to wind me up. If you are braver than me I would say call her out on it. Say "you sound annoyed with me , is everything ok?" And just see what she says. It may air everything out and she's less likely to do it if again she knows it will lead to a discussion.

My mum constantly worries she has overstepped, she never has but I could imagine her saying something like this to ds in a jokey way. I taught ds to stick his tongue out and she said, 'don't teach him that! It's rude' (in a laughy tone). I just laughed and stuck my tongue out at her. She then called me later in the evening nearly in tears apologising for getting involved and saying she shouldn't have said anything.

I think she is so worried about being thought of as over bearing and irritating that she panics. She rarely gives me advice about how to look after ds but when she does I am always grateful but she will then apologise for getting involved. Grandparents are weird hahaha.