MILs idea of what her role is

[Benjoir]

Myself and MIL were sitting in her living room, she was holding DC and chatting to him.

I'm watching the tele and I hear her say to DC "Yes, mummy and daddy thinking I'm annoying and interfering, but that's my job, isn't it?"

Firstly, I've never said she's annoying nor interfering. She can be very OTT at times, but I let it slide because I just go home and I don't have to worry about it, and quick frankly I can't be bothered with the hassle.

What are people thoughts on this? I'm I'm bit miffed . Surely it's nobodys job to be interfering or annoy new parents?

@Benjoir

To me it sounded like she knows she's OTT and is trying to justify her behaviour out loud or something?

Is she interfering and annoying? Could she have overheard anyone say that and that's her way of letting you know?

@Thatsplentyjack

Yes lol but I'm sure I'm very annoying to her too and I know I piss her off sometimes, it works both ways. I've never said it, but I do think it.

I would never say it in such a passive aggressive manner though, I just think its unnecessary and impolite.

My guess:
She wants you to acknowledge that she is okay proffering advice now and again.
I'd reply in a jokey way (if your relationship can take it) that as long as she realises dad and mum are ultimately in charge her role as ongoing unpaid consultant is safe.
Or just what Cissyandflora said!

Yes lol but I'm sure I'm very annoying to her too and I know I piss her off sometimes, it works both ways. I've never said it, but I do think it.

I'd put money on this being correct.

Unless there's a massive backstory this just sounds like she's chatting meaningless nonsense to a baby and you're reading way, way too much into it. It doesn't seem as though you like her very much though so it would be unsurprising if she had picked up on that.

"If you have something to say to me please say it directly rather than through my baby"

This is rather like using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut. And the walnut may not even exist.

@DiddyHeck

Yes lol but I'm sure I'm very annoying to her too and I know I piss her off sometimes, it works both ways. I've never said it, but I do think it.

I'd put money on this being correct.

Well........yes. I'm the one who said it

It depends if what she is doing would be annoying and interfering by anyone’s standards or if it’s just a personality clash. OP you mention she is OTT but not really anything specific she has done.

Perhaps she is concerned that she annoys you just by being herself, and this is her way of addressing it. Maybe she was hoping that you might jump in and tell her you don’t find her annoying… or maybe she was trying to express that she is just doing what she thinks is the right thing, not actively going out of her way to annoy you.

Either way I think try to be kind- she clearly loves your DS.

I'd ignore it to keep the peace. I hate hate PA shit like this. My MIL used to occasionally talk to me through my dc. If you are a confrontational sort you can say "you can just talk to me directly"

or you can play her at her own game and say something in a curtsey voice back whilst talking to your dc, whatever you like really "oooh you don't mind if grandma annoys mummy do you? Her job is to love you! She's had her own chance to raise children hasn't she? And now its our turn! But she did such a good job with daddy didn't she?! So I'm sure we will do just fine! "

Or

"ooh are we looking tired, I think it's time for your bath! time for grandma to go now! Let's say bye bye!"

She obviously feels like she’s an advocate for her grand child and is letting you know that she knows that abbots you, but feels it’s for the greater food.

annoys good 🤦🏻‍♀️

Speaking through children is disgusting and can make the child confused or upset and at least uncomfortable. Tell her to speak directly to you if you're brave enough, I'm not though so just rol your eyes

@Cissyandflora

I would have said - ah you’re not annoying! We love you! Don’t we baby?

You can be loving or you can be like tillytopper

Yes this. Life's too short.

Look, she might be having a dig, she might have been joking, or she could be looking for reassurance that you don't think of her this way. I'm not saying "be kind" 🤮 but only you know the answer.

In general I think deciding not to be offended by people is the best approach.

I don't read that as passive-aggressive, to be honest. I can imagine it being a kind of apology. Maybe she recognises that at times she might have overstepped the mark, and is using the baby and a bit of humour as a vehicle. I doubt for a minute that she actually does think it's her job. That's the humour bit.

Why do I think this? Because, hands up, I did it once. And I'm the DM not the MIL. I try really hard not to interfere, but on one occasion I said something and realised that my DD had bristled. I dropped it straight away, but the next time I visited, I said something along those lines. I know it's pathetic, but I didn't want to make a big deal of it by bringing it up as a subject of conversation, and at the time it kinds of felt natural while I was babbling rubbish to the baby, as we do. Fortunately my DD recognised that the humour involved self-reflection, and just laughed.

She sounds like she thinks she's terribly funny and also thinks that she's in the right. She sounds a PITA.

She said mummy & daddy so I wouldn't be taking it personally.

Poor OP to have to deal with such imperfection. I would just freeze her out, I'm sure you have dozens of people who love your baby who could take her place.

I was about to say you’re getting some weird replies here, but it’s quite predictable. If you’d posted that you’re a MIL that can sometimes tell your DIL is annoyed but she doesn’t say it and is polite to you, so you’d decided to say things like this to the baby so she could hear… then the obsessively contrary posters would have given you a pasting for that too. They get their little dopamine kick though, so you can think of it as a little charitable donation to them.

@Garman

People who use talking to children to communicate things to the child's parents are infuriating, it's not a joke at all it's a pathetic tool of the passive aggressive.

This.

I really dislike this behaviour.

Say it or don't, but sly digs are unpleasant behaviour that encourages people to avoid you.

I agree, it's terrible behaviour, people who do it are passive aggressive knobs

Maybe just talk to her

@LovedayCL

I was about to say you’re getting some weird replies here, but it’s quite predictable. If you’d posted that you’re a MIL that can sometimes tell your DIL is annoyed but she doesn’t say it and is polite to you, so you’d decided to say things like this to the baby so she could hear… then the obsessively contrary posters would have given you a pasting for that too. They get their little dopamine kick though, so you can think of it as a little charitable donation to them.

Very true!! Lol

My personal favourite was this one:

@Summerfun54321

"Why does she have to work on her interfering and annoying behaviour? Why can’t you work on your tolerance and politeness levels? She’s your DH’s mother and she won’t be around forever."

🤣🤣🤣

How old is DC? The problem is when people do this and the DC are old enough to understand the words they are saying

@Choppingonions

I think she's trying to make a point about her experience and it being her job to oversee and advise.

But in ye olden days when grandmothers will have had a major role in supporting new mum's the official scientific advice on baby care wasn't changing every five minutes. Advice and support was relevant for a few generations at least.

Nowadays the advice grandparents give is much more likely to have changed since their generation.

Also nobody responds well to advice that sounds more like criticism, which is quite likely given this GMs pass agg approach to dealing with it.

This is AIBU not "tell me I'm right".