Why do people go quiet on you and take a distance, rather than just discussing what's up !

howdoesthisworktoday · 2022-02-26T18:00:58+00:00

I'm really sick of people doing this. It's so annoying. If it's someone distant to you, fine. But close friends and family members doing this and then leaving you guessing what you did wrong - what's up with that ? Initially I would assume that the person is busy. But after repeated attempts and frosty replies, one must assume one has done something wrong ? Should one always ask ? I'm sick of this kind of thing.

Lollypop701 · 26/02/2022 18:04

I agree, if someone is pissed off be an adult and tell me. I’m not perfect and happy to say sorry/make amends if appropriate. Don’t bloody sulk/expect me to mind read. Because if you do then I will loose patience and just ignore you back

Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:27

It's really frustrating ! And I'm sick of having to ask them if they're annoyed. I'm not doing it this time.

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Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2022 18:28

It depends really. Generally I prefer being forthright. However sometimes friendships run their course and a slow fade preserves everyone’s dignity.

I had a good friend. She did some things which are unforgivable imo. Not to me but they told me all I needed to know about her character so I just faded away.

If she asks then I’ll tell her but it won’t be pleasant for her.

StarsAndSugarlumps · 26/02/2022 18:29

It’s generally when someone is punishing you or doing it to control you.

Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:36

@StarsAndSugarlumps

It’s generally when someone is punishing you or doing it to control you.

It's very frustrating. I end up over analysing every interaction and not understanding where I went wrong. It really takes a toll on me when people do this.

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LucyFox · 26/02/2022 18:40

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism – if they are introverts they might just need some alone time, if they are struggling with depression or similar, it can become overwhelming to deal with “people”. I know several people who essentially retreat into a shell if they are overstressed or have fragile mental health

Let’s not make this all about you

Have you reached out and contact them to see if they are okay? Not in a “ why are you doing this to me“ way but in a “ you’ve been really quiet recently and I just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay“ way . Their way of dealing with things might be very different to yours and they may really be struggling at the moment.

Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:42

@LucyFox

Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism – if they are introverts they might just need some alone time, if they are struggling with depression or similar, it can become overwhelming to deal with “people”. I know several people who essentially retreat into a shell if they are overstressed or have fragile mental health

Let’s not make this all about you

Have you reached out and contact them to see if they are okay? Not in a “ why are you doing this to me“ way but in a “ you’ve been really quiet recently and I just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay“ way . Their way of dealing with things might be very different to yours and they may really be struggling at the moment.

Yup, of course. I'm not an idiot. Unfortunately I have experience at this kind of thing. And that's always what I do. I always, always always ask what's up and if they're ok etc.

But it it continues to be frosty.. and they don't want to tell me what's up, then it becomes difficult not to take it personally, to be honest.

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Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:43

If it was me and I genuinely am not annoyed with that person, I would just say - sorry I'm so snowed under. I'll be in touch when I have some breathing room.
Hope all is well with you.

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Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:45

Just to clarify my post, they do not actually have to tell me what's up. Maybe they don't want to.

But if frostiness continues, then I find it difficult.

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Onlyforcake · 26/02/2022 18:46

Chances are it's not you?! Most people have their own lives, are busy etc etc.

Regretsandregrets · 26/02/2022 18:47

I think some people would avoid a confrontation at any cost.

Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:48

@Onlyforcake

Chances are it's not you?! Most people have their own lives, are busy etc etc.

I'm talking about people that are very close. Who you may interact with usually, several times a week. Not just a random mate. I understand it in the case of a random mate and wouldn't question it.

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Daydreamsinsantafe · 26/02/2022 18:50

I retreat when I need to. That’s the way I am as a person. Most people are fine with that but I have a few who think they are the main character of the world and so always make it about them.

It never is but they quickly make themselves problematic by not respecting my boundaries. One particular friend cannot stand not knowing what is going on/wrong & her way of getting the juicy details is to ask if she’s done anything wrong. “No, it’s not you, I’m just a bit stressed”, “oh no. What’s going on?”.
It drives me insane. If you don’t know what you did is likely that you didn’t do anything and you are making it about you. If you have done something wrong & they aren’t telling you what then fuck em.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 26/02/2022 18:51

And I retreat from everyone. Close or otherwise.

Amnotamug · 26/02/2022 18:51

@StarsAndSugarlumps

It’s generally when someone is punishing you or doing it to control you.

Yep definitely. Luckily this has only happened to me as an adult twice …am having this problem at the moment but unfortunately she is now my manager!! Am just going to play the same game with her from now onwards ..she is a control freak and I am not playing ball !

Original poster

howdoesthisworktoday · 26/02/2022 18:53

@Daydreamsinsantafe

I retreat when I need to. That’s the way I am as a person. Most people are fine with that but I have a few who think they are the main character of the world and so always make it about them.

It never is but they quickly make themselves problematic by not respecting my boundaries. One particular friend cannot stand not knowing what is going on/wrong & her way of getting the juicy details is to ask if she’s done anything wrong. “No, it’s not you, I’m just a bit stressed”, “oh no. What’s going on?”.
It drives me insane. If you don’t know what you did is likely that you didn’t do anything and you are making it about you. If you have done something wrong & they aren’t telling you what then fuck em.

I've even given up on asking if they're annoyed with me nowadays. I find it quite juvenile to need that reassurance.

But any relationship is give and take. Tell your friend to stop pushing it and maybe one day when you're feeling better, you could explain how you have explained on here. It sounds perfectly reasonable. You may need her to not ask you and leave you alone, but her feelings are equally valid and don't make her anything lesser than you are.

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ESGdance · 26/02/2022 19:17

Is this one person who does this repeatedly eg blowing hot and cold?

Do they eventually come back to reconnect/hoover/provoke when you go quiet / drop the rope?

Do they get you to somehow apologise for some random situation that they have perceived wrongly?

If this is the case - it’s a manipulative and toxic dynamic and you need to put in a lot of distance.

Chocomelon · 26/02/2022 19:18

I think it's better to be forthright but it depends on the situation and if this is happening to you a lot I would question whether it is something you are doing.

You could always ask!

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 26/02/2022 19:28

I've been there OP. It makes you feel so lost and shitty. YANBU

Associatepeggy · 26/02/2022 19:34

Honestly, with some people it's just not worth bothering. My brother is a dick, I do think want the drama of a fall out so our contact is when it needs to be.

I don't want some drawn out heart to heart with him where I list what hurts me and for him to just go back and do it again. It's also not worth the confrontation because he can't deal with anything without dragging my dad into or and he doesn't need that and can't be arsed with it either.

Some arguments arent worth having.

Bliblablu · 26/02/2022 20:06

I've done this with a friend. We used to talk a number of times a week. But after one meet-up where I realised she was critical of everything I did and saying I should have made same choices as her (where we holiday, my kids, how I bring up my kids - she has none by choice, my job choice, our house choices and so on) I looked back at the relationship and realised that she had always been critical.

I didn't see what the point of bringing this up with her was so I faded her out. I'm always pleasant of course (her husband and my husband are friends) but I don't go out of my way to make contact. In our relationship she often mentioned others that were no longer her friends or faded her out, implying it was them that were the issue, but now I am thinking maybe it was not? So if you think honestly could it be something like this?

And I am not sure what I could have discussed in this situation? What help to either of us would me telling her 'I'm tired of being criticised by you, even if you do not realise that you're being critical' be? I could only see that making things into a bigger issue, and with our husbands also being friends it would only cause problems.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 26/02/2022 20:15

@howdoesthisworktoday I hear you but I’m a very good friend to people. I’m a lot of things to a lot of people but what I am not anyone’s therapist.

When I am trying to manage my own load why am I having to think of a couple of friends who are grown women? Their feeling are their feelings. It’s not my responsibility to pander to what is essentially just insecurity(or nosiness half of the time).
I once had a heated discussion with one of these friends because I’d failed to return her texts for a week. My niece was dying. My niece was dying whilst she was getting upset about a couple of texts. You couldn’t make it up.

I just think it’s odd that any adult is offended by not having full access to someone’s life. Once you are an adult you just have to get on with your life and let people get on with theirs.
If you don’t like the way they function as people/treat you then you are also free to retreat. If you spend your days analysing everyone & how what their do relates to back to you it will be a miserable existence.

All that said, you don’t say what’s happening to make you ask the question. If your sister has blanked you for two weeks then I can see why you are concerned but your colleague not texting you back. Not so much.

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2022 20:25

Fear of confrontation. Usually as a result of parents who stamped hard on the child’s attempts to express opinions or feelings not sanctioned by the parents.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 26/02/2022 20:34

I do this..
1 Ask if anything is wrong?
they will either respond or not
2 Leave it a few days see if they come round
3 If they begin to blow hot n cold and act shady then I dump them,
I have no time for dealing with drama and other peoples issues,They are either straight or not, I cannot cope with people who have an agenda that they choose and most do choose to dangle over peoples heads for their own amusement. I am a shocking friend.I treat everyone decently and with respect and I expect it back.I am level and consistant and I expect them to be the same. I get people have bad days and I understand that but be honest and straight about it..Say so ..Say sorry xxx I am a bit off today I will call you tomorrow.Its the guessing if they will or wont say and the not knowing how they are going to be that gets me, I refuse to game play with anyone, I dont want or need it and I wont appease and try to bring them round for them to do it again and leave me guessing next time. I am the same sunday to sunday my issues and problems are mine and I dont take it out on anyone else.. They need to grow up in my opinion OP. I understand totally your frustration. I would begin by distancing yourself from them! Stop asking and care less!

bruce43mydog · 26/02/2022 23:14

People do this cause they don't feel listened to. It's a form of protection. And a control issue. It works for me.

It bring inner piece when overwhelmed.