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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this friendship revivable?

43 replies

Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 11:57

Is this friendship un-revivable? Is losing friends and making new ones a normal part of getting older? Sorry this is long lol.

My DH and I used to be in a close friendship group with two couples, A+B and C+D. We saw each other such a lot and had a great time. The other two couples were even closer to each other and had dinner together several times pw.

C+D got married and then so did DH and I and we were all 6 each other's bridesmaids and groomsmen. But just before our wedding, A+B split up and they were both quite shook up. I tried to be supportive to A, the woman, as i felt she was a close friend...she told me quite a few (intimate) details about how unhappy their relationship had been but she kept saying they'd get back together and I had to say I didn't think it would work. (NB I have always been discreet with those details and I've never told anyone including DH). I texted her some longish messages saying you'll get through this, let's go out and take your mind off things, whatever. Then I met up with the other woman, C, and she told me A said my messages to her were insensitive and gave her anxiety. Gosh I felt terrible and backed right off, but also a little bit upset that A didn't tell me herself.

Fast forward a few years and I've basically lost touch entirely with A, C+D but we are still very good friends with B, A's ex, and meet up often with him and other friends. Woman A now has a new partner and a baby girl who's about a year younger than mine.

OK cut to the chase lol sorry this is long. I only saw on SM that A had had a baby. I sent her a private message saying I didn't know you were even expecting, I'm so happy for you etc. She sent back a nice message and we got texting. I said I'd love to visit but she wouldn't pin down a date, just said sometime in March when her baby was old enough for visitors (I think this was in November or something). In late Feb I messaged again saying are you still up for meetup, which weekend, etc. She said something non committal about making it a joint meetup with other woman C (who i havent seen or heard from in years). I'm really up for reviving my friendship with both women so i was like Yes sure, good idea. But again A can't decide on a location or date in spite of my suggestions, and it's radio silence again. All the time I'm afraid of coming on too strong because of what C said before. I'm re-reading every message before sending it and worrying is it insensitive etc etc. Is this more hard work than friendships should be?

I'm reminded of these women every time I see my wedding photos, and I feel regret that I've lost touch with these bridesmaids.

I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance thar when you get older, some friends recede and that's normal. Anyone else had similar experiences?

OP posts:
merrymouse · 26/02/2022 12:06

Is this more hard work than friendships should be?

Yes, it is.

However you now have 2 choices.

  1. just let things drift and accept that your lives have moved on

  2. Be completely honest and explain how you feel. This may still mean that you drift apart, but you would know why.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 12:10

Forget A for now...she will do what she wants.
if it ever works/revives she will need to come to you

What happened with C? Can you pick things up with her?

Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 12:40

Thank you both so much for reading and your advice! Good point, I could reach out to C... however, C was the one who told me off back then for my "insensitive" messages (I really meant well) and I was just so hurt.

I guess I was just a bit unsettled more recently when A said "I told C that you suggested we meet up and C said why don't we all meet up." Initially I was happy because it meant C said she wants to see me.

But then it all came back and I thought wow, you are still telling C everything I message you. Possibly dissecting everything I say again (this is me being paranoid lol).

I know A of old wasn't ever good at telling someone straight out if she disagreed with something. Instead she would just agree to everything but then complain to a third person (I used to be that person). I keep imagining her saying to C "oh look mummy1608 just texted me again, she keeps pushing me to meet up, can't you come as well because I just don't want to see her".

Probably I'm being paranoid because of what happened before but it doesn't tempt me to see either of them and I'm feeling very upset remembering the past.

OP posts:
Concestor · 26/02/2022 13:07

If she won't commit to a date she doesn't really want to meet up. I've been in this situation and it's horrible but it's worse to keep pushing at a closed door. Just move on.

Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 13:47

@zurala and @merrymouse you are both telling me the same thing and I know you're right! I'll leave her to it...! I guess these things happen

Thank you for saying you've had this happen too

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 15:15

Ishe probably did do that tbh. But fuck it - it's your life.

A sounds like an annoying dick tbh... if C is nicer I would message C separately if you'd like to pick things up.
Because it sounds like maybe you overreacted to c's comments (if A was a bit truth twisty and said your messages were super intense and was crying to C.. she maybe took it at face value and how was she to know the truth?)
But leave A out of it completely.

Scianel · 26/02/2022 15:20

The reason she's being so non-commital is that she doesn't want to see you but isn't the sort of person who can tell you that directly.

FinallyHere · 26/02/2022 15:25

@Scianel

The reason she's being so non-commital is that she doesn't want to see you but isn't the sort of person who can tell you that directly.
This ^. I'm afraid
TheWayTheLightFalls · 26/02/2022 15:32

What scianel said. I had a friend like this. Crazy-making and dishonest but there you go.

MogsBestestFurball · 26/02/2022 15:35

You don't sound paranoid to me. These people are not real friends if they are talking about you this way.

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2022 15:39

@Scianel

The reason she's being so non-commital is that she doesn't want to see you but isn't the sort of person who can tell you that directly.
Agree, A sounds like someone who is always complaining about being upset or put upon but never says anything but sends flying monkeys!
Ohmybod · 26/02/2022 15:57

@Mummy1608

Thank you both so much for reading and your advice! Good point, I could reach out to C... however, C was the one who told me off back then for my "insensitive" messages (I really meant well) and I was just so hurt.

I guess I was just a bit unsettled more recently when A said "I told C that you suggested we meet up and C said why don't we all meet up." Initially I was happy because it meant C said she wants to see me.

But then it all came back and I thought wow, you are still telling C everything I message you. Possibly dissecting everything I say again (this is me being paranoid lol).

I know A of old wasn't ever good at telling someone straight out if she disagreed with something. Instead she would just agree to everything but then complain to a third person (I used to be that person). I keep imagining her saying to C "oh look mummy1608 just texted me again, she keeps pushing me to meet up, can't you come as well because I just don't want to see her".

Probably I'm being paranoid because of what happened before but it doesn't tempt me to see either of them and I'm feeling very upset remembering the past.

Put your crystal ball away! You are imagining all sorts of scenarios that just might not be true. It’s wasted energy. Either you put yourself out of your misery and contact C and hope for a response. Or, just accept it may have run its course/they’ve move on and do the same. Id probs choose the second route myself. It’s very likely C knows that you’ve been in touch and suggested meeting, yet she hasn’t attempted to reach out to you herself (in all this time let alone now). Also, if she has remained close to A and they both know you are still close to B that might be a problem for them. We don’t know we know enough to suggest whether that’s right or wrong. But if for example B was a prize dick then A might be happier with no connection to him and Cs loyalties clearly lie with A.
Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 16:11

That's very true, I should stop analysing/crystal-balling and let it go. None of my other friends make me second guess myself like those two.

For extra context C is a stronger personality than A and would usually be the one giving advice/opinions to A. That's why I felt that, back then, while A was complaining to C about me, C was the one making the conclusions "she so insensitive, I'll talk to her" etc iyswim.

B is definitely not a dick, even in the details that A told me after the breakup, it was more like a very miserable incompatibility sort of situation. He's a really kind bloke and im glad ive still got him as a friend, I just wish it wasn't either-or.

Thank you wise women for your solidarity! Mumsnet has been literally better than therapy for me sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 16:12

@Scianel

The reason she's being so non-commital is that she doesn't want to see you but isn't the sort of person who can tell you that directly.
That's very true. It makes me feel both rejected and stupid for taking her Yes-es at face value!
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 16:13

@MogsBestestFurball

You don't sound paranoid to me. These people are not real friends if they are talking about you this way.
Thank you Smile I really really needed to hear this
OP posts:
Scianel · 26/02/2022 16:25

I realise my post probably reads a bit bluntly. I'm not implying that you're at fault, you've been friendly and reached out, some people are just weird and don't say what they actually mean!

Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 16:42

@Scianel

I realise my post probably reads a bit bluntly. I'm not implying that you're at fault, you've been friendly and reached out, some people are just weird and don't say what they actually mean!
Not blunt at all! I think you're absolutely right.

It makes me appreciate more that most of my friends aren't like this at all. Which is a good thing to remember!

I just emotionally sent a text to my oldest friend saying thank you for always being such a great friend Smile she was like, wow thanks you too and then we had ordinary chat about other things Grin it was so easy! I remembered that texting friends doesn't have to be hard lol!

OP posts:
Scianel · 26/02/2022 17:19

Mummy1608 that's lovely, it makes you appreciate the good ones more! I get what you mean about having tinges of sentiment for old friends that were there during signficant milestones like a wedding.

If it cheers you up, I've had my second friend request rejected from my aunt, my late father's sister. No fall-out or anything, just haven't seen her for a good few years. I mean I was an annoying shit of a teenager but that was thirty years ago! People are weirdos.

notanothertakeaway · 26/02/2022 18:22

You can have happy memories of previous friendships, but not necessarily want to resume it later

People can usually find time to do things that they really want to do. A doesn't sound so keen to meet. And that's ok. You wished her well. She responded

RealBecca · 26/02/2022 18:41

Given it seems shes dodging you I'd assume nothing to lose and address it for your own peace of mind. Maybe text her saying

"shame we haven't been able to find a date but life gets crazy with little ones. I was hoping when we caught up I would have a chance to apologise for upsetting you in those messages all those years ago, I hope you know it's the last thing I wanted to do and in hindsight I can see how i might have come across that way so I just wanted to apologise in person and put things to bed as it were."

My opinion is she should have had the decency to raise it with you or not hitch to her friend or that her friend shouldn't have broken her trust. But I'd want to put it out there and see how the land lies. Perhaps she would be pissed off knowing C is going around gossiping.

Original poster
Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 19:58

@RealBecca

Given it seems shes dodging you I'd assume nothing to lose and address it for your own peace of mind. Maybe text her saying

"shame we haven't been able to find a date but life gets crazy with little ones. I was hoping when we caught up I would have a chance to apologise for upsetting you in those messages all those years ago, I hope you know it's the last thing I wanted to do and in hindsight I can see how i might have come across that way so I just wanted to apologise in person and put things to bed as it were."

My opinion is she should have had the decency to raise it with you or not hitch to her friend or that her friend shouldn't have broken her trust. But I'd want to put it out there and see how the land lies. Perhaps she would be pissed off knowing C is going around gossiping.

It's interesting... I scrolled back and all our messages are still there on WhatsApp. I wrote to her at the time (mid 2018 this is) and basically said, C has told me that you've really not liked any of my messages. I apologised but also said "please tell me if I do or say something you don't like. If you pretend to like it then I will carry on. Also you don't have to hang out with me when I invite you, you can say no, just tell me truthfully."

To give more context, this is what happened at the time: A said she really needed to find a place to stay (she's the one who moved out of the A+B flat when they split, no one had kids then). I knew a female friend X, actually a neighbour of mine, really lovely sensible bookish type who A would have loved, looking for a second female lodger. I suggested putting them in touch. Woman A made appreciative noises and I spoke to X but then C told me I was being "pushy" about the whole thing and "of course A doesn't want to live in your area, why would you push that". Wow I honestly thought I was being helpful because A never made any hints she didn't like the idea. I had to go back to X and say oops actually A isn't looking to be your lodger after all.

I wrote to A about all of this, apologising but also saying that I wish she'd told me.

Then my wedding happened. A and I met a few times after that. One of the times, late 2018, we talked about doing a weekend away in Bath in december. Mug that I am, as usual, I thought she meant it. I researched BnBs, etc. Radio silence, I sent her a Christmas card instead. And that was pretty much it until she had her baby

Dear wise women, you've had the whole sorry story now, thank you for reading lol

Tl/dr: mummy1608 is a prize mug and can't take a hint when her friends want to drop her!

OP posts:
PoniesLove · 26/02/2022 20:04

I’ve been here before in a similar and eventually just decided to let it go. It was with a friend from uni that I tried my best to reconnect with.In the end I think I just looked a bit desperate!sorry this has happened OP

Whatinthe · 27/02/2022 06:32

I don't think you need to apologise again if you decide to raise it- you shouldn't need to and is it really a relationship you want if she feels entitled to leave you hanging because of past events? You sound lovely op, I'd back off and wait to see if she contacts you about meeting. She might have other stuff going on which is why she's not been great at organising anything, in which case I expect she'd message you at some point. But I feel once these issues happen in relationships you are always left wondering what you've done wrong if they don't message back etc...it's just not the healthiest place to be in a friendship.

MyOtherProfile · 27/02/2022 07:16

You weren't a mug, OP. You were just basing this friendship on normal lines whereas A and C have discussed you all the way through and come to some odd conclusions. It sounds like C might well have been jealous of you being friendly with A, definitely didn't want her moving near you etc, and A has gone along with it.

Draw a line under this and stick to your normal friends.

notanothertakeaway · 27/02/2022 07:29

I think you're over thinking all this

When a relationship ends, it's common for friendships to move on

Keep your happy memories, don't think badly of her, move on

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