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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this friendship revivable?

43 replies

Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 11:57

Is this friendship un-revivable? Is losing friends and making new ones a normal part of getting older? Sorry this is long lol.

My DH and I used to be in a close friendship group with two couples, A+B and C+D. We saw each other such a lot and had a great time. The other two couples were even closer to each other and had dinner together several times pw.

C+D got married and then so did DH and I and we were all 6 each other's bridesmaids and groomsmen. But just before our wedding, A+B split up and they were both quite shook up. I tried to be supportive to A, the woman, as i felt she was a close friend...she told me quite a few (intimate) details about how unhappy their relationship had been but she kept saying they'd get back together and I had to say I didn't think it would work. (NB I have always been discreet with those details and I've never told anyone including DH). I texted her some longish messages saying you'll get through this, let's go out and take your mind off things, whatever. Then I met up with the other woman, C, and she told me A said my messages to her were insensitive and gave her anxiety. Gosh I felt terrible and backed right off, but also a little bit upset that A didn't tell me herself.

Fast forward a few years and I've basically lost touch entirely with A, C+D but we are still very good friends with B, A's ex, and meet up often with him and other friends. Woman A now has a new partner and a baby girl who's about a year younger than mine.

OK cut to the chase lol sorry this is long. I only saw on SM that A had had a baby. I sent her a private message saying I didn't know you were even expecting, I'm so happy for you etc. She sent back a nice message and we got texting. I said I'd love to visit but she wouldn't pin down a date, just said sometime in March when her baby was old enough for visitors (I think this was in November or something). In late Feb I messaged again saying are you still up for meetup, which weekend, etc. She said something non committal about making it a joint meetup with other woman C (who i havent seen or heard from in years). I'm really up for reviving my friendship with both women so i was like Yes sure, good idea. But again A can't decide on a location or date in spite of my suggestions, and it's radio silence again. All the time I'm afraid of coming on too strong because of what C said before. I'm re-reading every message before sending it and worrying is it insensitive etc etc. Is this more hard work than friendships should be?

I'm reminded of these women every time I see my wedding photos, and I feel regret that I've lost touch with these bridesmaids.

I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance thar when you get older, some friends recede and that's normal. Anyone else had similar experiences?

OP posts:

TulipsTwoLips · 27/02/2022 07:38

If A can't communicate openly she really isn't a great friend!

Flickflak · 27/02/2022 07:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

autienotnaughty · 27/02/2022 07:48

It's sounds like A didn't get the support from you that she wanted during her break up but didn't feel she could say so C did then they backed away from you but stayed close. Now A doesn't want to meet but can't say so she's brought C into it. I'd say your not suited as friends but if this is important to you you could contact C just be prepared you may get rejected.

Ragwort · 27/02/2022 07:54

I think you just have to let it go and remember the happy times of the friendship but accept that 'life moves on' ... I have quite a few friends from the past that if I bumped into in the street I would be happy to have a coffee and a chat for an hour ... but would I go to the effort of arranging a meet up, travel - particularly with a young baby - no, I wouldn't.

It's a bit like the messages in Christmas cards 'must meet up this year' ... both sides know you are unlikely to.

MintyFreshBreath · 27/02/2022 08:00

I’ve met go of a friend recently because of this. No falling out, just because it was like pulling teeth trying to arrange things. Shame as we used to be close. I have fond memories of when we used to be good mates but our lives have moved in completely different directions and that’s common as you get older. We’ve made some new friends in the last two years, in fact two of them are with us this weekend which is lovely. Sometimes, you just have to realise that it’s not worth it otherwise you look a bit desperate (sorry)

MintyFreshBreath · 27/02/2022 08:01

*let go

EmbarrassedAllOver · 27/02/2022 08:06

Friendships are hard, whatever age we are. And they say three is a crowd for a reason.

The dynamics were always off. They were closer than you. That will mean you were always on the back foot.

I would just end things there and move on. You are leaving the ball in their court and that means they have the power and you're left feeling rubbish. It's time for you to decide that it won't work and move on.

It's hard to have a view on what went on in 2018 as your messages are only one side of the story.

You made a fatal mistake having a view on her relationship though. I've learned (and experienced myself in a breakup) that people don't want others opinions. They want support.

It sounds like A held out hope they may get back together and you shot it down. Whilst you were right, it upset her and probably made her feel you were crossing boundaries.

Anyway, move on
They don't want to be friends otherwise they'd have reached out to you, or have accepted your invite with gusto. Go out and make new friends.

merrymouse · 27/02/2022 08:11

It sounds as though a big part of not letting go is their presence in your wedding photos.

Just chalk it up as one of those ‘life’ things. Lots of people will ex partners of family members prominently featured in photos.

Remember it’s the marriage, not the wedding that matters, and it sounds as though you have some good friends.

merrymouse · 27/02/2022 08:11

Will have ex partners

curlii103 · 27/02/2022 08:15

Ahhhh you sound lovely! I think A probably doesnt want to meet up but cant say so and i kind of think C hasnt messaged you but then you havent messaged her either. Id maybe message C in a xant believe its been so long but id back off on the meet ups and see what happens. Life is busy enough without extra drama x

Original poster

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 08:41

Thank you all so much, I'm so sad about this whole sorry thing and ive cried so many tears about them both in 2018 and again now. You are all right that I need to just back off. I feel a lot of regret for reconnecting in the first place when I saw A had a baby.

@merrymouse you are absolutely right, it's the fact they were my bridesmaids that means I'm reminded of them more because I have wedding photos about the house (amongst others). I'm going to swap them out for more DH and DD photos.

It's just the hurt of being ghosted now for a second time, it's so painful and I feel like such an idiot for reaching out. Honestly she wrote such long warm enthusiastic messages in response but I guess they were all fake friendliness. I kept giving her get-out options like "I'd love to come and see your LO, but would you rather not because of covid" and she said "I think it would be fine if we both tested first" - why couldn't she say something vague like "yeah let's wait till the pandemic is definitely over" or something like that, rather than keeping me keen. It's all this blowing hot and cold leaves me bewildered and hurt.

Anyway she hasn't replied to my last message so I won't say anything more. I suppose I could reach out to C, but I think I'll just step away from the whole thing and focus on my (real?) friends who care about me and want to see me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 08:46

I'm desperately tempted to draw a line under the whole thing by sending a short message saying something like "maybe it's better if we don't meet up this month as I can tell you're probably too busy atm and it hurts when I don't get a reply. I'll wait for you to get back in touch with me if you'd actually like to"

But I'm not going to send that. I just want to. Because it hurts to keep checking to see if she's messaged after all, but no, I'm still ghosted.

I know the right thing is just to leave it so I don't "seem desperate". The truth is I am hurt, though

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 27/02/2022 10:14

Absolutely understand that you feel hurt. Now is the right time to step away from all this and concentrate on the things in life that bring you joy.

This doesn't sound like one of those.

Enjoy the rest of your life. What is the very next thing you are looking forward too ?

notanothertakeaway · 27/02/2022 10:30

@Mummy1608

But I'm not going to send that. I just want to. Because it hurts to keep checking to see if she's messaged after all, but no, I'm still ghosted.

I know the right thing is just to leave it so I don't "seem desperate". The truth is I am hurt, though

No, don't send that message. She's entitled to move on. Just keep your happy memories

Original poster

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 11:39

@notanothertakeaway
I know you're right, I won't send it :) I got it off my chest by posting it here instead :)

I feel much better from pp saying they understand why I feel hurt. My DH doesn't get it at all "why are you wasting headspace on those two" but he's about to go out all afternoon today with B to a football match. (I don't begrudge him the baby-free time whatsoever! Just feeling a bit rejected in comparison!)

He and B are going to organise a brewery crawl for another weekend that I can join in on

OP posts:

Nirnroot · 27/02/2022 12:10

I can really relate to this post, because my bridesmaid and some people in my wedding photos are no longer in my life and the pictures can be a painful reminder- or they used to be a painful reminder until I took control myself.

I blocked my ex friend and frankly decided not to waste my time on a toxic/ fake friendship. It hardened me massively and I haven't shed a single tear since. Other posters have given great advice and I would say the same- A and C are not your friends. It's okay to be picky about who your friends are, don't waste time on people that don't value you and your friendship. It's okay to say "we had some good times but that was then and this is now".

I'd focus your energy on B, he sounds like a nice friend and person by the sound of it. A and C, by what I've read, don't sound pleasant. I know my post sounds like a hard stance to take but in recent years I've learnt to value myself and realise I'm worthy of being treated well like how I treat my friends.

TenThousandSpoons · 27/02/2022 12:13

C sounds awful with the “of course A doesn’t want to live in your area” comment. Sounds like she could be the troublemaker and has some hold over A. Definitely leave them both to it. Sounds like you have kept the nicest friend (B). And your oldest friend sounds lovely, as do you

Original poster

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2022 13:51

@FinallyHere

Absolutely understand that you feel hurt. Now is the right time to step away from all this and concentrate on the things in life that bring you joy.

This doesn't sound like one of those.

Enjoy the rest of your life. What is the very next thing you are looking forward too ?

This is so wise! Thank you wise women of mumsnet! I've just this morning randomly got two texts from two other female friends, actually one of them is the landlady X I mentioned, and I've suggested to go out for afternoon tea with them both, they said yes, Saturday is good, 3pm it's all booked yay! That's the next thing I'm looking forward to!

@Nirnroot I'm sorry that happened to you too, it sounds like you've dealt with it much better than me tho so I'll be inspired by that! (Totally irrelevant but looking at your username, I'm a huge skyrim fan too and clocked hundreds of hours pre-DD lol, great game)

Thank you @TenThousandSpoons and everyone else you've all been so encouraging :)

OP posts:

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