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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder what women mean by “he’s a good dad” ?

44 replies

Mummytobe93 · 26/02/2022 07:36

I’ve only been reading the AIBU and Relationships boards for few weeks but I’ve came across many threads started by women describing some unspeakable behaviours from their partners/husbands, followed by the “but he’s a good dad” line.

AIBU to wonder what it takes to be “a good dad”? Is it just simply being present at your child’s life, even though you put the mother of that child through absolute hell on a daily basis? Are there really men out there who can be extremely abusive to their partners but be good dads?

I haven’t got my own kids yet so maybe I’m being unreasonable in that I don’t understand how much sacrifice and unhappiness you can take for your kids when you become a mum. But I’d like to think that my “relationship standards” (or however you want to call it) won’t change dramatically after having kids…

OP posts:

Prettynails · 26/02/2022 07:45

People say this about a man doing any sort of perceiving parenting. It’s misogynistic at core. Have you seen the fun dad / lazy mum photos on social media.

Dad turns up with McD he’s ‘fun dad giving the kids a treat’ mum does it ‘she’s clearly a lazy mum can’t be bothered to cook’.

My ex has had my youngest one night since October and up to April this year and yet his friends refer to him as a ‘hands on dad’ despite having only had his child for less than 24 hours and no other contact in between - roll eyes.

My ex used to say he was looking after the kids for me if I went to do a good shop and baby sitting for me - me I was just parenting

Prettynails · 26/02/2022 07:46

Food shop not good shop - new phone and auto correct!

Prettynails · 26/02/2022 07:47

Oh and mine wasn’t abusive before we had kids or at least I couldn’t see it. Now I can but at the time due to abusive parents he seems like gold dust.

The shark cage was a good read and I’m making sure my children have good shark cages.

malificent7 · 26/02/2022 07:51

Not sure tbh but the bar is a lot lower for men.

ChameFangeNail · 26/02/2022 07:53

I take it to mean “he’s only cruel to me, not the children”. Which is a heartbreakingly low bar.

It also completely ignores the fact that when children witness one parent abusing the other, they also become victims of that abuse.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 26/02/2022 08:02

I think like many abusive relationship women are focus on the 10% of time when the man is behaving appropriately and not the other 90% when they fail to do the bare minimum or are emotionally, physically or sexually abusive.

I think you are looking at it the wrong way. When you have children/choosing a partner to have children with my opinion you need to set/keep your bar higher because you are choosing for others too.

Watchclock · 26/02/2022 08:03

A lot of men can get away with very basic level parenting and be described as a good dad.

My ex used to be absolutely useless (I say used to be as he’s improved slightly lately)
Yet the fact he was just present in the kids life his parents thought he was a wonderful dad.
Whilst I was doing EVERYTHING and had to look forward to him making up excuses all the time and avoiding seeing the kids.
I’d get to the point I’d be desperate for a break (3 very young kids all under 5) I’d just get called crazy by him and his parents.
He would literally take on extra hours at work, I wasn’t able to get hold of him for 4 weeks one time. Would give rubbish excuses. All to avoid having the kids.
Yet people thought he was a “good dad” and I was just the crazy ex.
Sorry for the rant, if I sound bitter I am

cereallover · 26/02/2022 08:08

When I say my dh is a good dad I mean that he shares the load of raising our son. He doesn't complain and he adores our little boy.

Original poster

Mummytobe93 · 26/02/2022 08:32

@malificent7

Not sure tbh but the bar is a lot lower for men.

Yeah I really think that’s it

So unless the abuse is not directly towards the kids, he can get the “good dad” badge.

Seeing your child twice a year, can it be classified as emotional abuse?

Not paying child maintenance, can it be classified as financial abuse?

I know it’s hard for the victim to see the abuse for what it is - I remember my mum asking me not to “think badly about my dad” even though he has been an alcoholic, physically abusive to her, hardly ever saw us, never paid any money towards our living costs. And yet she didn’t want me to think badly of him … I was confused, and I never wanted to speak about him, it would just make me angry and sad at the age of 7. Now I know I just resented him for not being there, and my mothers attempt to deny it made me angry.

Why is it such a taboo to call a shit parent for what they are?

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 26/02/2022 10:50

People say their partner is a good dad because he looks after the children and takes them out, isn’t that what you’re meant to do 😒 I think it’s usually an excuse to justify why they stay with them, “oh I’m still with him because he’s a good dad”

x2boys · 26/02/2022 11:02

Well this being Mumsnet all men are dreadful
IRL my dh is a good dad he loves the kidss absolutely,adores them and would do anything for them
My Dad is a good dad he would drop everything for me and my sister and our kids, he ,s nearly 80 he's not someone who says I love you ,but he absolutely does .

balalake · 26/02/2022 11:04

It sometimes seems to me some defence for 'he's not all bad'. A bit like the Krays being hailed as being nice to their mother.

There are exceptions of course.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/02/2022 11:09

I see it a lot as well. Not even in abusive cases but just ordinary every day shitness. The dad never puts the kids to bed, never gets up with them in the night or the morning, never looks after them for more than half an hour without ducking out and making excuses etc etc so does none of the boring drudge work of parenting...but because he kicks a ball around with them or games with them for half an hour at the weekend and the kids love him, hes a good dad.

I think people confuse the terms 'good dad' and 'fun uncle'

Bdhntbis · 26/02/2022 11:09

I think people sometimes say that when the dad is basically there and loves his kids which is obviously a good thing but doesn’t amount to being a good dad.
There are also various men who are hands on involved dads and might be brilliant in looking after them but when you add in how they treat the mum that is in no way a good dad.
I work in safeguarding and I always remember a mum who described her abusive husband as a good dad and that her son and his dad were always doing things together and he always wanted to know when his dad would be home but it was all based on fear - he did whatever his dad told him and wanted to know when he’d be home because he was terrified

Sundancerintherain · 26/02/2022 11:11

Well one daft woman I used to work with thought that her DP was a wonderful dad because he.................................................................... paid his CMS calculated child support MOST months, y'know, not if he had a holiday booked or any other expense.
I did ask her how not regularly paying the suggested minimum FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN made him a great dad but funnily enough she couldn't answer that. Bonkers.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2022 11:13

It’s utterly depressing.

BloodyForeland · 26/02/2022 11:17

@ChameFangeNail

I take it to mean “he’s only cruel to me, not the children”. Which is a heartbreakingly low bar.

It also completely ignores the fact that when children witness one parent abusing the other, they also become victims of that abuse.

Yes, this does seem to be what it means. When I say DH is a good dad, on the other hand, I mean he has done every aspect of parenting just as much as I have from DS’s earliest days — cooks, cleans, buys him clothes, does the school run, helps with homework, takes him and his friends out, reads him stories, talks to him, disciplines him when needed etc etc. And loves him.

Sundancerintherain · 26/02/2022 11:23

My DH's dad was a crap father. Just not interested then fucked off when he was a teenager.
But to hear him talk he was a prince amongst men.
DH actually patented our children.
Our massive bugbear then , and now was the idea that DH somehow babysat our DC when I was working but when he was working and I was with the same DC it was somehow different?
The whole vocabulary around male parenting needs to change.

formalineadeline · 26/02/2022 11:26

Usually it translates as "I am desperately clutching at straws because I don't want to face the reality of how shit this situation is" .

formalineadeline · 26/02/2022 11:31

I take it to mean “he’s only cruel to me, not the children”. Which is a heartbreakingly low bar.

Not sure the bar is even as high as that in some cases - sometimes not being cruel to the child all the time is enough to trigger the "but he's a good dad" .

Or that he pays the bills but does nothing that could be described as parenting or caring.

Or simply that he still lives in the same home but is a complete and utter abusive prick to his children.
Just the fact that he's there is apparently good enough to meet the offensively low standard for a "good dad" .

But a large part of this is society's fault for socialising women to throw men a fucking parade for so much as smiling in their child's direction.

Thirkettle · 26/02/2022 11:36

Anyone scraping the barrel to come up with that phrase basically means 'hasn't murdered us yet'.

UserWithNoUserName · 26/02/2022 11:44

If you are not a good partner/husband you are not a good father. You are not modelling good relationships and behaviour to your children. It damages them.
If you abuse your partner, you abuse your children- at the very least, emotionally.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/02/2022 11:45

I think those women don't know what a good dad looks like so as long as he's not aggressive towards his kids they think he's a good dad.

AllOfUsAreDead · 26/02/2022 11:46

A good dad is someone who cares for their child, not just does the fun stuff. They clean them, bath them, feed them (if they can obviously), calm them when they are upset, deal with any accidents to the best of their ability etc.

It's not just taking photos, playing with them, watching them vaguely or paying a sum for them.

It's actually being involved.

Anything less is not a good dad. Same can be said for mothers too of course, but it's usually dad's that are useless.

2022bum · 26/02/2022 12:08

My DH is a good dad. My own father (although I do love him in my own strange way) wasn’t.

DH does at least 50:50 if not more of the drudge work around the house. I don’t have to ask him to do it - if he sees something that needs doing, he does it. He doesn’t need to be congratulated afterwards, but I do thank him (as he does me when I do it). I owe my marvellous MIL a massive debt for this (BIL is exactly the same) and it’s the single thing that makes our home life so contented. He also deals with house and car and legal and financial admin because he’s better at ‘adulting’ than me when it comes to bureaucracy. I manage the people when they come as that’s my skill.

He does at least 50:50 if not more of the drudge work around childcare - school runs, clubs, letters, uniforms and sports kit including the relentless laundry. When DC was younger he was often the only dad at vaccination clinics or doctor’s appointments as we agreed the parent who was least inconvenienced by the appointment accompanied the DC. (NB doctors and health visitors sometimes struggle with this and once the HV phoned me up afterwards to make sure I was okay with it).

He plans holidays, outings and fun stuff for the kids and shares the credit with me, even when my sole contribution is paying (I flat out refused to go camping and apparently he and the DC raised a toast to me for working so hard to pay for the trip).

My father did FA around the house, continually diminished and disregarded my mum’s achievements, was finally abusive, and thought taking us on smashing holidays and buying us shit made up for it. Thirty years later this is still his parenting style.

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