Page 2 | AIBU to wonder what women mean by “he’s a good dad” ?

LuckyAmy1986 · 26/02/2022 12:26

When I say my dh is a good dad I mean that he shares the load of raising our son. He doesn't complain and he adores our little boy

sharing the load is just being a dad though. or are you a 'good mum' because you share the load? And not complaining about sharing the load?!

Lilypresto · 26/02/2022 12:30

Do you think sometimes people say this to make the woman feel better about her choice of man? It's warped logic of course, but if a woman is regretting her choice of partner and asking why she hadn't seen the warning signs, someone might say 'but he was/is a good dad' to lessen her distress?

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2022 12:31

It’s basically the only thing someone can think of to say that’s good about the relationship and usually with a few questions, it transpires he’s not a good dad at all

RandomDent · 26/02/2022 12:31

Mainly clutching at straws as to why they’ve not left him.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 26/02/2022 12:35

They normally mean he does the bare minimum expected of a parent when he has no other choice.

Is it something that if a mother did it she would be praised and told what an amazing mum she is? If yes, then fair enough, he's a great dad. But if it's basic parenting that nobody would praise a mum for then its low standards. Oh my god he got up in the night last Tuesday with his own baby, he's an absolute superstar, what a fantastic dad

Meanwhile mum is getting up three times a night every night and is so knackered she's putting her slippers in the fridge and that's just being a mum get on with it what do you want, a medal?

Kyiv · 26/02/2022 12:37

I think my husband is a good dad

He takes our youngest to his swimming lessons and to his Beaver scout group and stays to help
out. He spends ages helping all three kids with maths homework. He will have a laugh and joke with the teen DC and he will help them by talking through tricky social situations with them. He takes youngest DC to school when he's on the right shift pattern and picks him up. He buys the foods they all like. He plays minecraft with them all. He encourages them to do their chores, he chats to them, he takes them places and picks them up..... he does the rubbish stuff as well, such as telling them off when they need it. When our youngest was a baby (his only bio child, the older two are mine and he adopted them at 3 and 5) he got up in the night as much as I did, did as many feedings and nappy changes and bath times as I did when he was at home. He taught all of the kids to ride a bike and swim. He's a good dad

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 26/02/2022 12:39

When I used to say this about my ex it basically meant he groomed me to accept that he treated me like absolute shit and did the minimum he could for our kids. My standards were so low that I thought he was an amazing parent for doing even 1% of what I did for the kids.

Looking back now I'm out of that situation I can see he was a crap dad, he just treated the children better than he treated me.

He now hasn't seen them for years since he had to actually make an effort, and I think most of these men are the same.

VelvetChairGirl · 26/02/2022 12:41

@Mummytobe93

I’ve only been reading the AIBU and Relationships boards for few weeks but I’ve came across many threads started by women describing some unspeakable behaviours from their partners/husbands, followed by the “but he’s a good dad” line.

AIBU to wonder what it takes to be “a good dad”? Is it just simply being present at your child’s life, even though you put the mother of that child through absolute hell on a daily basis? Are there really men out there who can be extremely abusive to their partners but be good dads?

I haven’t got my own kids yet so maybe I’m being unreasonable in that I don’t understand how much sacrifice and unhappiness you can take for your kids when you become a mum. But I’d like to think that my “relationship standards” (or however you want to call it) won’t change dramatically after having kids…

it comes from several places.

1 its the comparison someone can be shit to everyone to different degrees but if your getting shitted on the most you will see that others are treated better, so you will say he's much better to the kids for example.

2 its a self esteem thing most abusers will gradually grind you into the dirt so you think you are worth less or deserve the bad treatment you must have done something to deserve it.

3 look at 2 and 1 again, if he treats others better then you and you deserve it, then he cant be that bad can he, he's good to the kids so he cant be a complete monster.

Rewis · 26/02/2022 12:42

It's the same as "he's a good man. Doesn't drink, cheat or beat his wife". It's just a low bar

WallaceinAnderland · 26/02/2022 12:46

@Lilypresto

Do you think sometimes people say this to make the woman feel better about her choice of man? It's warped logic of course, but if a woman is regretting her choice of partner and asking why she hadn't seen the warning signs, someone might say 'but he was/is a good dad' to lessen her distress?

No, I think they say it as an excuse for staying. Most of these women know that he is a terrible father but don't want to put themselves through the stress of a separation. It's easier to stay. But that means that sadly, they are also keeping their kids in this terrible situation and that's what they feel bad about.

So they try to justify their decision by saying he's a good dad when it's glaringly obvious he's not. What's worse is that they tell their children he's a good dad so that is what they grow up expecting from their own partners. None of them know what a good dad looks like.

Momicrone · 26/02/2022 12:48

I agree, I hate that phrase, he's a good dad my arse

PrimroseTheSmooth · 26/02/2022 12:53

On “Relationships “ I always take it to mean “not directly abusing the children”.

Abhannmor · 26/02/2022 12:55

Whats a 'good mum' then? Someone abusive and manipulative but nice to the kids would still count I expect.

Momicrone · 26/02/2022 12:57

Very rarely used as an attribute for women

rwalker · 26/02/2022 13:00

From a male point of view the default setting is your expected to be useless .

Completely patronising you just looking after your kids like anybody else .

DoNotTouchTheWater · 26/02/2022 13:38

@Prettynails

People say this about a man doing any sort of perceiving parenting. It’s misogynistic at core. Have you seen the fun dad / lazy mum photos on social media.

Dad turns up with McD he’s ‘fun dad giving the kids a treat’ mum does it ‘she’s clearly a lazy mum can’t be bothered to cook’.

My ex has had my youngest one night since October and up to April this year and yet his friends refer to him as a ‘hands on dad’ despite having only had his child for less than 24 hours and no other contact in between - roll eyes.

My ex used to say he was looking after the kids for me if I went to do a good shop and baby sitting for me - me I was just parenting

Those comics (www.instagram.com/p/CY7sqI4r0KL/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet) make the point really well.

Present dad/inattentive mum is absolutely indicative of how low the bar is for men. Especially when you consider that inattentive mum is often trying to do something necessary on her phone; wonderful dad is probably pissing about.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 26/02/2022 13:38

www.instagram.com/p/CY7sqI4r0KL/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

With a working link

BetterLox · 26/02/2022 13:45

My DP is a good dad.

I suffered horrendously with PND after the birth of DS1. He took unpaid parental leave until I was back on my feet. Same thing happened with DS2. Still feel shitty but he's off work with the parental leave again to help.

He does the food shop, is hands on with our toddler, makes bottles, sterilises bottles, spends every day with us doing activities (usually soft play!), listens to me and supports me wherever he can, gives me a break when I need one, tidies our house, makes meals, has a keen interest in our children - bath time, meal time, play time, bed time he's always hands on.

He works super hard on his other business and makes enough money for us to live comfortably abroad for a number of months per year. I see him at his happiest in the sunshine and it makes my heart burst.

I talk as though I do nothing - of course all of the above are shared. He just does everything with no prompting and just 'gets it'. I realise that I'm incredibly lucky and there's no one else I'd rather have by my side through it all!

Yicky · 26/02/2022 13:48

Relationships can break down and the mother can still be a good mother and the father can still be a good father.