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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel betrayed by this?

48 replies

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 07:07

In the firm I work at there is a well renowned bully who has targetted me for a number of years. Management is dealing with it and fortunately she has a long history of this behaviour, with records of it beginning before I joined the company. Nevertheless, her attacks on me are public, deeply unpleasant, belittling and really affect my wellbeing (and other colleagues': she has a range of victims: all women).

My AIBU is... my very close friend has hired her to do some accounts work for him. He worked at the company until a couple of months ago and was her line manager, so he knows all about her record. He used to say it's terrible but she's an unhappy person and is trying to make everyone else as miserable as she is. "It's just her way".

This friend still wants us to meet up and have a relationship, but I take this as a betrayal and feel like he's minimising the harm this person has intended to cause me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

hellithurt · 26/02/2022 07:36

I don't think UABU, I'd distance myself from this "friend",

And work need to move faster with sorting this out by the sounds of things!

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 07:54

Thank you Hellithurt. He is full of outrage that I've said I'm struggling with his support for her- that it seems like endorsement. He disagrees and is playing the victim, texting to say he can't believe I'm abandoning our friendship over this.

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 26/02/2022 07:55

Maybe he knows some of her back story and feels sorry for her.
He may perceive you as being the "strong one" even though you are the victim of her bullying behaviour. He thinks you are strong enough to cope.

How much do you value this friendship? If he is a very close friend then really you should be able to talk openly with him about your feelings. He may not realise how hurt you are by it.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/02/2022 07:59

seeing it as "betrayal" might be a bit strong, but certainly questionable judgement.
I always prefer to keep work and private life separate.
Avoid - maybe pick things up when he is no longer employing the bully

BeetyAxe · 26/02/2022 08:06

He has clearly shown that he doesn’t care that this person has repeatedly harmed you over three years m, and he has betrayed you by hiring her. Since he had the opportunity to never speak to her again by the fact he no longer works with her, that’s what he should have done. He is no friend to you, and you should not tolerate any “outrage” from him. I would message him and clearly tell him what you have said here, give him one opportunity to cut ties with her or tell him your friendship is over. You should be angry, not him.

M0rT · 26/02/2022 08:08

He knows how she treated you and expects you to be ok with him giving her work?
He's not your friend!

Piffle11 · 26/02/2022 08:11

YANBU. Had he been a close friend of hers as well as yours, then I could understand why he would feel he was in a difficult position, but if he is your close friend and was her manager only, then I think he’s made a dreadful mistake. I completely get why you are unhappy and feel betrayed. I actually had something similar, only in my case my friend hired the DH of the person who made trouble for me at work. She could’ve gone to so many different people, and yet she knowingly chose this woman’s DH… I thought it was out of order tbh. I would never do that to a friend.

balalake · 26/02/2022 08:12

Former friend, regardless of how you describe his lack of support, I hope now.

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 08:13

Thank you all. I swing between Beety's sentiment (that's where I am most of the time) and Mojo's, where I try to see the frailty behind the behaviour. But she and I are both grown women who've had similar experiences- both divorced etc. and the mitigating reasons he gives for her bullying don't excuse it to me. I think there's some narcissism/personality disorder, and his employing her feeds into her narrative of being superior and indispensable. It happens that we work in a niche sector where being made redundant is very rare, so she's been able to behave in a way that would never have been tolerated for more than a fortnight in any place I've worked before.

OP posts:

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/02/2022 08:17

He's not a friend

pictish · 26/02/2022 08:19

Yanbu. I would feel betrayed as well I think. You must have gone through so much stress dealing with the work situation…he will be aware of the impact it has had on you and yet…

This person is not a dyed in the wool friend. He’s not obligated to be of course…but now you know.

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 08:20

That's exactly it, Piffle. There are hundreds of people locally who could have done this work for him. In my view, he has always tried to appease her, and this is part of that. He could have never seen her again.

I asked him whether he would have still hired her had she physically hit me, and he wouldn't respond. I want him to understand that the pain she's caused me through the years has been far greater than that, and that's why I feel so betrayed.

He keeps sending messages saying things such as "I feel I am being blamed for her behaviour when there's nothing I can say or do that will make it change. I can't believe you're willing to lose our friendship because of her."

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2022 08:23

It'll sound dramatic but I couldn't trust him now as I'd always be thinking she's behind him pulling his strings to still get to you!

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 08:23

Thank you- you've all made me feel less unreasonable. Sometimes it's difficult when you don't have another adult at home to work out what's right in situations like this. I will keep my distance. He is morally outraged. But wrong. I just wish I could get him to understand how much it hurt me. And that he's wrong!

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 26/02/2022 08:25

“I can’t believe you’re willing to lose our friendship because of her” … no, he is willing to lose your friendship because of her. Her behaviour towards his supposed close friend was not a dealbreaker for him: people like him enable people like her to continue doing what she’s doing as it has had no negative impact on her life and career.

Hb12 · 26/02/2022 08:26

"I'd say it was you willing to lose our friendship over her to be honest."

GloriousGoosebumps · 26/02/2022 08:29

You're certainly not being unreasonable! It's interesting that he was her line manager and should have been dealing with her bullying behaviour but obviously didn't. It's lucky for him that now he has left the company, the company can't take action against him for his failure to deal with the bullying. As for your friendship, I'd consider that ended. He can play the victim as much as he likes but he's not the victim here. In fact he's rather tone deaf. It's sad when you lose a friend but block him and move on.

BeetyAxe · 26/02/2022 08:29

He sounds like a bit of a bully too OP. I would explain one last time that he has betrayed you by supporting her, by giving her a job it shows he doesn’t care what was done to you, and that you are going to block him if he doesn’t stop messaging you

pictish · 26/02/2022 08:32

He understands how much it hurt you already…but he wants to keep his hand in with her and his options open to preserve his own status and connections. A lot, if not most people, are similarly inclined to the self. It’s disappointing isn’t it?
Those who would genuinely have your back are few and far between.

Erictheavocado · 26/02/2022 08:33

Is she allowed to work for a rival at the same time as being employed by your employer?
Regardless, your 'friend' has shown that he is at best, ambivalent about the way she treats you, at worst, he doesn't really care unless it affects him. By actively choosing to employ her, knowing how you would feel, he has chosen to abandon your friendship, not you. I would send him a message along the lines of : A friendship can only exist when there is mutual respect and genuine care for each party. You clearly don't care about me and I no linger respect you, so there is no friendship between us. I would then block him.
Sorry you are going through this - bullying is so deeply hurtful and so difficult to cope with.

Hb12 · 26/02/2022 08:37

His wording is very manipulative, I'd say he is one to be wary of going forward regardless.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 26/02/2022 08:38

Tell him the friendship is not being ruined by her but by him and his choice to hire someone he knows has bullied you for years and makes your life miserable. That he made that choice and in doing so he showed you how little you mean to him as a friend. And not to play the victim here.

pictish · 26/02/2022 08:39

“A friendship can only exist when there is mutual respect and genuine care for each party. You clearly don't care about me and I no longer respect you, so there is no friendship between us.”

I really like that.

Hoppinggreen · 26/02/2022 08:41

Personally I wouldn’t give a shit what her backstory is or how unhappy the cow is, the unhappier the better as far as I am concerned.
Business is Business but I am sure your “friend” could have found someone else to do the work

TigerLilyTail · 26/02/2022 08:42

I've had some tough times but I've never treated other poorly because of it. I've never been a bully or unkind because of it. There is no excuse for her behavior. He's the one forcing the situation here. You've done nothing wrong.

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