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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel betrayed by this?

48 replies

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 07:07

In the firm I work at there is a well renowned bully who has targetted me for a number of years. Management is dealing with it and fortunately she has a long history of this behaviour, with records of it beginning before I joined the company. Nevertheless, her attacks on me are public, deeply unpleasant, belittling and really affect my wellbeing (and other colleagues': she has a range of victims: all women).

My AIBU is... my very close friend has hired her to do some accounts work for him. He worked at the company until a couple of months ago and was her line manager, so he knows all about her record. He used to say it's terrible but she's an unhappy person and is trying to make everyone else as miserable as she is. "It's just her way".

This friend still wants us to meet up and have a relationship, but I take this as a betrayal and feel like he's minimising the harm this person has intended to cause me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 08:52

Thank you all. You've given some really interesting and well worded ways to consider it and approach it, and respond to him (one last time). Just about to Parkrun but will respond properly afterwards.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 26/02/2022 08:55

Exactly, he’s the one losing your friendship, it’s not your fault. He has made a very deliberate choice to employ her knowing what a bully she is to you.

On a side note, how is your work allowing this to continue, given she’s done this to others and is still bullying you? There’s proof but she is still carrying on?

collieresponder88 · 26/02/2022 09:00

I was bullied by a vile woman at work and it was awful. If one of my friends had anything to do with her knowing what she did to me I would be very hurt

StopStartStop · 26/02/2022 09:05

You are not unreasonable. He is trying to manipulate you.

The obvious question - is he shagging her? Though to be fair, if he is or isn't, he's still trying to make you accept his connection with her, against your better judgment and against your will.

No, he's not a friend. He's a manipulative creep.

billy1966 · 26/02/2022 09:06

OP,
YANBU.

He sounds like a bully and I wouldn't discuss it further with him.

He has shown you very clearly who he is, believe him.

A bully.
Disloyal.
Manipulative.

You are well rid.

AllOfUsAreDead · 26/02/2022 09:09

Bullies feel sorry for bullies. No one else does.

He is a bully too, and he is the one who has wrecked your friendship, not you. I wouldn't even go back once she has finished the job.

Chloemol · 26/02/2022 09:41

I can't believe you're willing to lose our friendship because of her."

He is not a friend, a friend would never employ someone who they know has been nasty to you and others in the workplace. And I would be texting back it’s not me willing to lose our friendship, it’s you who is willing to lose it after all it’s your action in employing her when you know how badly she has treated me that’s got us here b

TigerLilyTail · 26/02/2022 09:50

One thing I wanted to add was I knew a guy who used a friend to do his accounts. They ended up falling out over something and he suspects the guy used the information to badmouth him on social media. He couldn't prove it though but he was the only one who knew that stuff. So, personally I'd be wary of using a friend to do accounts especially someone with a history of being less than nice. I think he's making a mistake in using her but I guess that's his business.

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 11:14

It does feel manipulative- he's turned it all around to me wrongly holding him accountable for her actions. But as someone mentioned, he did nothing to defend me when he was her line manager.

He used to pull a face like I was being a tell tale when I mentioned the way she would corner me and make derisory comments about me, or mutter, laugh and shake her head when I spoke in meetings. It was constant, and got to the point where I would have to physically u-turn when I saw her as she'd always sneer and make 'evil eyes' as I walked past. I don't take it personally as one day a group of other perfectly reasonable women all shared their experience of the look and comments she gave them, and we realised it was almost indiscriminate. Workplace bullying affects your whole life though, and I've had sleepless nights because of it.

They're not shagging, I'm certain. She is considerably older than both of us and really doesn't have that aura about her, iykwim.

OP posts:

Arabellla · 26/02/2022 11:21

He could easily get anyone else to do accounts work for him, it’s not a niche specialism.

Given his reaction to her bullying behaviour, you have to be prepared that he may have done this deliberately and is now trying to gaslight you,

He isn’t a friend,

Gowithme · 26/02/2022 11:27

I think YABU. I wouldn't want a friend of mine deciding who I could or couldn't get to do my accounts. She my be very good at her job even if she is a complete bitch. He's not wanting to be her best friend and expecting you to join them for nights out.

Piffle11 · 26/02/2022 11:33

I can’t decide what sort of person he is… Is he scared of her, and is determined to make her like or respect him? Does he see himself as a sort of ‘saviour figure – “she doesn’t get on with anyone, apart from me… I get her. I won’t abandon her no matter how much other people dislike her.” Maybe neither. One thing that is definite though, he is completely in the wrong here, and is gaslighting you.

Piffle11 · 26/02/2022 11:35

Gowothme there are plenty of very good accountants out there – why give money to the one that has been so cruel to many women, including a close friend of yours?

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 11:44

I really can't work out his motivation either. He says it's that she's the only person he knows who does this job, but most people would sooner hire a new person than go to someone they know who is unpleasant. He used to say he just didn't understand why she was so hostile, as having me and other women in the team who are consistent and capable is of benefit to her, but it's as though she wants to scare us all off so that she's the last woman standing. A number of colleagues have left over the last three years citing her behaviour as a major factor.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 26/02/2022 11:44

Sounds like he never believed you about her behaviour.

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 11:47

The ray of hope is that the manager who took over from my male 'friend' is female, and went through an initiation of verbally abusive behaviour from her. My friend didn't because he is male. So the new line manager has much more empathy and is proactive in saying that we must log every incident with a view to more formal action.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 11:49

I think you're right Shelby. Or was selfish enough not to care. She'd been on a formal warning before I arrived so he knew what she did... but feels no sense of protection towards me.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 11:51

He's choosing to advance someone whose behaviour damages other people. He's choosing to ignore her behaviour because it's convenient to him that she work. That's fine, he's allowed to make those choices.

You are allowed to think less of him as a result, and choose to see less of him. You get to make choices too, not just him.

He's a bit weak isn't he, ultimately. Appeasing her.

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 11:54

Yes I think ultimately he is weak. It used to strike me as that when he wouldn't confront her.

Thank you all. I feel vindicated in my decision.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 26/02/2022 12:09

OP,
I mean this kindly but why would you have wanted a close friendship with such a person? He was never your friend and by his actions is really more of an enemy.

I really wouldn't have anything further to do with him.

I absolutely judge people by the company they keep.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 26/02/2022 12:09

I wouldn't bother with him any more.

caranations · 26/02/2022 12:25

@Rosebuddleia

Thank you Hellithurt. He is full of outrage that I've said I'm struggling with his support for her- that it seems like endorsement. He disagrees and is playing the victim, texting to say he can't believe I'm abandoning our friendship over this.

Well if he was her line manager, then it is his fault that she has managed to get away with this bullying behaviour for so long.

He is now giving her work, so it is obvious where his loyalties lie. And it isn't with you.

Original poster

Rosebuddleia · 26/02/2022 21:32

Billy, I agree that based on this issue he seems like a terrible friend. But he was wonderful when I began the job- he helped me make a really difficult transition from another field and taught me invaluable skills. He was so supportive in every way... other than in confronting the bully.

Throughout the pandemic we worked together (the workplace didn't close) and so as a single parent he was the main adult I saw and spoke to for months on end, and we became really close. I think this is why it's been such a wrench to acknowledge that he has no loyalty to me at all, despite his protestations.

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