How to cope when your ashamed with how your life turned out

[2ndtimemum2]

I had such dreams with how my life would go and it didn't work out. I'm single with 2 kids from 2 dad's and the embarrassment of that is crushing I constantly feel judged by people. Every time I hear of someone getting engaged married or having a baby as part of a happy couple it makes me so sad that I don't have that.

I just feel like I've failed and that I'm a disappointment. I'm in counselling but can't manage to shake the feeling that people judge and pity me. I love my kids but feel so sad that they're being raised by a single mother because of my poor choices.

What's worse is I split up with my 2nd dcs child during my pregnancy and had a bit of a break down and confided in people in work who I thought were my friends but they gossiped so everyone in work knows my business which makes me feel even more vulnerable.

Sorry if this isn't making sense just feeling very low about it tonight

You're making stupid people's views your own.

Two of the absolute best people I know have three and two kids from different dads and are in other relationships. They're nice to me, and their kids. What on earth is there else to know? I don't pity either of them.

And if people at work are arses, they'd be arses about anything.

Oh my goodness!!! I want to hug you and give you some tough love!!

I am a single parent to 2 DC although 1 is an adult now. Both different dads. My DS4 dad left me when I was pregnant! And I too felt disappointed that this was my situation (amongst the heart break and fear)

But OP you are raising 2 children on your own. Look in the mirror, see what they see, be proud of yourself!!!

F*ck what other people think, and if you can't then change jobs! You can control how you see yourself and you need to love yourself xx

Lock those thoughts away because they are useless frankly. They will only bring you down. Some people probably do judge you - so what? Why do you care what others think?

Sorry your colleagues gossiped about you - thats really hurtful. So live and learn. Dont confide in them again. Is changing jobs a possibilty?

Your kids are lucky they’re being raised by a loving mother. And other people’s urge to judge and gossip reflects on them, not you.

Another person with children by different dads here, and happily married for 20 years. Before I met DH I felt a bit like you, I was young and allowed stupid, nasty people in my family and workplace to make me feel shit.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You sound like a great mum raising your two lovely children and the ONLY people who should be ashamed are the ones judging you for their narrow views and unkindness.

Life rarely turns out the way we’d have planned it. Even those who do it all the ‘right’ way - meeting partner, getting married, a mortgage, two kids - end up being thrown a curveball or aren’t as happy as they seem.

Be kind to yourself. You should not feel ashamed. X

I realised I could have no idea what other people were thinking, so what I imagined they were thinking had to be coming from my head, not theirs.
For example, it would never occur to me that there is anything to be ashamed of in your situation. But for some reason you believe there is so imagine other people think the same as you

Nothing to be ashamed about. You're giving 2 kids a loving home, it doesn't matter who fathered them.

Stop worrying about other people judging you, and stop judging yourself! People gossip, it's just what they do. This isn't even juicy gossip, just normal run of the mill family stuff. Ignore it, will be fish paper tomorrow.

I have 3 kids with 2 different dads. I understand what you are saying. But a lot of who you meet is down to chance, not your personality
Bring down on yourself is not the way through this. Everybody has difficulties in their lives. That’s a fact. Some more, some less, that’s the way it is and nothing we can do about it.
It’s not what happens to us that defines us. It’s how we deal with it that does.
Define yourself @2ndtimemum2
Find your strength to be you

From an evolutionary perspective, all our kids should be from different dads, like diversifying our portfolios.

I feel the same way OP but for different reasons. So I'm not sure what you can do.

However I will tell you what I think of your specific situation - no big deal at all and really common. Sorry your colleagues gossiped and made you feel bad. Its not an excuse but often people do gossip about literally anything at work, to spice up the day I guess, so don't think that just because they did this your life is embarrassing. And don't assume others are judging you just because they get married etc. Its no comment on you, they are just living their lives.

Is it possible for you to reframe how you think about your situation? I chose to adopt two children as a single mother. Whenever people find out about my situation the only reaction I hear is how cool and amazing I am. I am not either at all btw. I expect a lot of people think that about you but if you are feeling bit low at the moment you don’t see it. I understand it is different for you as you had to get over the personal heartbreak of a break up. That is terribly sad but it definitely not shameful and you and your kids dont deserve that dragging you down. If it helps I make a real effort for our family of three to be a great and complete one. In fact we are travelling for half term and the passport man just asked kids where father is. Small daughter pipes up loudly. “ Oh we dont have a father in our family” with a huge happy smile. This post is much longer than I planned. I just meant to say that (most) people really do not judge you, families come in all shapes And sizes and you can still have a really full and happy family life. I hope that helps a little.

It's none of your business what other people think about you

Your very first sentence suggests you think your life is over? Ok so things didn't work out exactly as you'd hoped so far. Come up with new dreams and goals, and work towards creating the life you want.

Forget what everyone else thinks. What other people think of you is not important and none of your business. Worrying about what other people think of you will only hold you back.

Also, all these people that you think are "happy couples"? You have no idea what's going on in their lives. People are often not as happy as they want you to believe. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, and get to work on your mindset and being the best parent you can be to your children.

A disappointment?! Are you a thief? or a murderer? You haven’t done anything wrong!

Life happens, it doesn’t always turn out the way we expected. You can only do your best, you can’t change what others think about you. You could have, what you believe is the picture perfect family situation and people would still find something else to pick on.
Your work colleagues gossiping is a form of bullying, could you look for another job, ask to be moved? They sound shallow, vapid and way over invested in your life.

Plus, just because you are single now, doesn’t mean you always will be. You need to try and be happy for the things you have- 2 much loved DC, you are a hard working single mum, it doesn’t matter that there were two fathers. You can’t rewrite history, dwelling on the past and being unhappy about things you cannot change is pointless!

Today my friend took my DC to the park, with her own DC x2, plus her sister’s DS! I suppose some people may have thought wow 4 DC under 7 (none look alike) they could’ve judged her, but to be honest I doubt anyone did. Who cares!
There are plenty of mum’s who have children from different partners, I’d say it’s probably the norm these days!
Hold your head high - and try and be happy life is short.

When people gossip about others it's to make them feel better, and they need to feel better because they are insecure, worried how others see them, have lowish self esteem.

You should fee sorry for them as there is something seriously lacking if they get off on putting others down.

But I think you are over valuing this as people really don't give a shit about other people (generalising here) they care about themselves and how they appear to others. Want to be seen as top dog - again it's all about boosting their sad egos. But NOT about you. They don't really care (I'm excluding long term friends here). Just get on with you life.

I envy people who are happy with their lot and cheerful - doesn't matter what their background is.

Thank you all for your kind words it really has made me feel better and given me that little boost I needed. Life is just so tough at the moment I'm juggling working And my eldest child is having to help out with their younger sibling , one of my parents is dying and the younges ones dad hasn't seen them in a week because he says "he's a busy guy" and can't commit to days!!! Its all got so overwhelming

You're successfully raising two children and holding paid employment. You're amazing. No idea where you're getting "failure" from.

shake the feeling that people judge and pity me

Unless you're secretly a superhero with the ability to read minds, all you're doing here is projecting how you feel and treat yourself onto other people. Most people won't be thinking anything about you.

If you start being kinder to yourself you will feel better. Genuinely - when you beat yourself up it has the same effect on your nervous system as when someone else beats you up. If you stop, you feel less shit.

Why do you feel you deserve to be beaten up all the time?

Would you judge someone else in the same situation in such a negative way? If not then don't do it to yourself.

There is absolutely no shame in raising your children as a single mother.

I'm so sorry about your parent.

You definitely deserve kindness and compassion from yourself right now.

It genuinely will soothe your nervous system in the same way as another person being kind to you would.

I carried around a shame of sorts for 35 years.
In the early 80s our mother walked out on my dad, leaving us with him.it was really rare then ( an perhaps now) but in school, with friends and family we were always “the kids that didn’t have a mum”.
Fast forward married my school sweetheart together 13 years, had my first son and within a year it had all ended.
Few years on own and met a man again, committed for 10 years,various house moves, county moves, had a son, found out he had been cheating years and split again.I was defeated, broke down, went through some mega soul searching believing it’s me, my fault etc like you I felt shame that people were talking behind back etc
I got to 40 and something switched, I thought I can either continue to let this sink me or rise high an show the world how far I had come through all of that.I’ve worked my arse off full time since both boys were born, I had everything I needed( not wanted) but needed and life was tight, but I’ve come through it and proud.

Be proud you are doing it alone, winging it like the rest of us.once you begin to have self belief, I think you will find that mean inner voice disappear more and quieten down.
Life’s not perfect for me or anyone I perceive has got the perfect life.

People take you at your own valuation.

I can see this is true from my own life. It was posted on MN a while ago .It's said by a character in a book by Hilary Mantel, An Experiment in Love.

There's more to life than other people's opinions. Is there nothing you want to achieve? Any personal goals? Hobbies, sports, interests, maybe professional goals? Even small things like learning how to bake an amazing sponge cake or a curry from scratch.

There will always be a long line of people queuing up to tell you what they think of you and how wrong you are X or Y... tell them to pick up a chair and wait

I have 2 sons from 2 Fathers, one i was with for 6 years and the other 3 years, one pushed me up against the wall one day while i was holding our son when I asked him to take our son to nursery as manager had called and asked me to cover and the other cheated on me... and honestly I'm much better without either.

I understand your shame, I feel it too, because I'm incredibly insecure. I would describe myself as kind and would never judge anyone in the same situation, although I judge myself. I do this to the point of not telling people I meet that my children have different Father's, and when we talk about my singledoom I only talk about the first Father.

But, its done nothing but hold me back personally and professionally. And if my children heard me denying a Father and lying they would feel shamed themselves and I would hate that. So I start a new job next month, another for which I am overqualified, I have a Masters degree and go for posts where this is not needed. But, as I was saying .. I'm going to own it. Shaming myself in this situation is the same as shaming my children.

We're all going to die one day and no-one really cares that we slept with 2 people !

When I left my abusive x with two dc I felt a lot of shame too, so I feel for you. I was late getting to this but I really recommend the practice of self-compassion. What would you say to a friend in your situation? Say that to yourself. If other people are judging you then they lack empathy and judgers are at conflict with themselves.

As time has gone on, I've felt less connected to the identity of Single Mother which did 'shame' me a decade ago. A lot of time has passed so I know it's not an over night process but now I am proud of myself. I am connected to my real identity now, which has nothing to do with any status (real or perceived) and I will be ok. I have a secure job now and that makes me feel safe, and also free.

My advice would be to just tune out what other people might be thinking and only pay attention to (with your time/affection) the people who see you for you.

Make sure that all of your decisions even the small ones will take you to where you want to go. Having your own home/income/good relationships with your children/friends.

From worrying quite obsessively about what people thought of me back in 2007 I don't think about it at all now. There are a couple of people who still look down on me (in my own extended family) and I just haven't got time for that bullshit now. I have people who are real and I enjoy friendships with people who just click and don't need me to provide the service of reflecting well on them
When you have a few of those people in your life you can tune out the status conscious judgers.

Check out Self-compassion. Kristen Neff Phd and Christopher Germer Phd have a really good work book.

You can't stop people judging you. You only get to decide how you feel about it. If people are giving you headspace when your life is nothing to do with them, that is very much a them problem, it doesn't really change anything in your life. You're going to carry on being awesome. And it doesn't matter how you ended up with your kids, surely your world is better for it?