Setting the scene or friend zoned? Friend weird approach to dating.

[Claddinghell]

Guy I am good friends with we always flirt and have a laugh. Nothing has happened between us, but always a flirty vibe. Friends for years. Text multiple times a day and see each other weekly or more.

We are active on dating sites with no luck. Think I have feelings, but not sure if it’s cause I connect with him or fancy him. He ticks the boxes and we enjoy the same things, but I think we have been friends for too long. He went through a traumatic break up early last year which I supported and is starting to date.

Last week he told me he had a fling with a distant mutual female friend months ago. He kept it secret from me. She wanted a relationship and he just wanted a fling. He told me he ended it as this friend was jealous of our friendship. She stopped really interacting with me round this point, but I didn’t really think anything of it, as we were not close and in lockdown. Not sure why he told me. I asked to see the texts and she was horrible about me. She has been friends with him for a while and even been out socialising with us, with no issues.

She Accused him of sleeping with me and trying to stop him seeing me. He was delicate after his break up And I think she took advantage of his needy state and pounced - well he was no angel too.

Apparently she had turned into a mini stalker and would drive past my house and stalk me on Facebook and question him on what we were doing, trying to stop him seeing keg. I always wondered why she also phoned when he was with me.

It ended month before Xmas and he blocked her - was only a few months of seeing each other for sex every 2 weeks or so. She contacted him again at Xmas and went mental even though the hadn’t talked for ages as we spent the day together as friends and she saw this on Facebook. Her mutual friends showed her this.

He has told me yesterday when he goes on dates he always tells people about our friendship. Says I am his most loyal friend and if no one can’t understand it then he doesn’t want to date them. Wants to ensure his dates are happy with a female best friend before anything happens. It’s a bit weird to do this, as if I was the date I wouid be suspicious.

He says a few people have had an issue and as I am important to him, they either accept me or leave or he hasn’t taken it further. I did tell him the other day that if our friendship is stopping him finding happiness then we see less of each other as it will naturally happen. He disagreed. He then joked that in a few years time if we are single we will move in together, life pact.

He has essentially blocked himself from dating because of me. I was starting to think he had feelings, but keeps texting me to say he values me as a friend and I will always be in his life. Always uses the friend word.

So what does this mean? I have distanced myself last day or so as the mini stalking news made me feel uncomfortable. I have never been a threat to others - I am nothing special.

Have I been friend zoned as he has texted me loads to say I am his most valued and respected friend. Sort of mini panic or is he setting the scene? He is not the best as being direct, so sometimes I have to read between the lines.

Help me understand!

He sounds like a proper drama queen to be honest.

If he wants to ask you out he needs to grow a pair of balls and do it, rather than telling you all the tittle tattle about his last sexual conquest and that weird speech to prospective girlfriends that they must take your friendship with him or leave etc.

Weird but if you're into him then why don't you ask him out?

I am always wary of men who claim that someone else stalked them. (Like men who have psycho exes, etc….) It sounds like he is gently coercing you into a relationship you may not be sure of. I would try and get the story from her. You haven’t dated him, you haven’t slept with him. Why are people getting the impression that you have?

You've said you aren't sure of your feelings towards him anyway so why are you so concerned with whether you've been friend zoned or not?

For all his speeches to dates, once he finds someone he's interested in you will almost certainly find your friendship cools off. His priority will be the new girlfriend.

If I were you, rather than second guessing how HE feels why don't you focus on working out your own feelings. Because I agree with PP, it does all sound a bit dramatic for a simple friendship.

@DiddyHeck it is a bit dramatic. He didn’t need to tell me. Not too sure if he did to get a reaction. Or prove he was loyal to me. He is the sort of guy that goes all in with a girlfriend and see him less when he is dating. But didn’t with her.

@AbNormalPeeps suppose it’s just weird that he had started to tell me our friendship comes first above a relationship with others. Why!

@Justilou1 I don’t really to speak to her and I know why now. Not to comfortable asking. People assume as on the surface I supppse we look like a couple as we are comfortable around each other. People always assume.

He sounds like a manipulative drama queen playing games with the feelings of every woman he meets, including you.

@newnameforthis76 I think he is. He has been a really good friend for me. But suddenly telling me he tells people I am important to him and will always be in my life. Telling me if he dates others they need to accept me or leave. Not too sure why?

That’s the head mess. I said to him A few weeks ago want a best friend I fancy. Then he hits we with all this you are my most loyal friend etc.

He probably tells you all about his loads of dates and how important you are to get a reaction. He might have done the same thing about the fling with your friend. Or he's told you so he gets to control the narrative.

If you've known him all this time and the most romantic thing you can say is that you're unsure if you fancy him, then don't date him. He sounds like a dick who is hard work.

@Planesmistakenforstars what reaction does he want? For me to confess I like him? Which still processing. These feelings have come through more since he told me.

Or to say we are really good friends? He did say I was very secretive about my dating life. But he never asks and I don’t discuss unless someone asks. I certainly don’t tell my dates that they need to accept him. I just assume they do as he is a friend.

In your position my head would be in a mess. I would be questioning what hidden meanings there are, driving my friends crazy banging on about it and generally being obsessed. So I totally get what you are feeling and why you are posting.

But from the outside, it's crystal clear that he is an arse trying to keep you dangling.

I've been dangled by arses in exactly this way twice in my life so know of what I speak.

Both arses are now settled with other women and children. And those oh-so-important friendships? Of no importance once they met 'the one'.

Get a cat, is my advice.

@Claddinghell my guess would be to see if you like him. But it's so underhand and manipulative. The stuff about him letting dates know about you, as if it's some star crossed friendship that no one can come between is so dramatic, bordering on yuck. And I would be seriously questioning his motives in telling you about the fling with your friend. You asked to see the texsts, but presumably because you knew about the texts. Because he told you about them. He didn't care to spare your feelings, did he?

Why would you fancy someone who sounds like a total drama llama, rather sneaky, and very hard work?

Ask yourself why he keeps withholding and then telling you things — like withholding the fact that he was shagging a mutual friend for months, and that he’d fostered a situation where she was insanely jealous of you, and then telling you afterwards that he’d ended it because of you, and showing you her nasty texts? I notice also that you blame all this on her ‘pouncing’ on him when he was ‘delicate’ after a break up, but he sounds to me like an unpleasant stirrer. You clearly fulfil some need in him as an alibi for ending relationships/
creating drama/setting up bizarre imaginary rivalries, but I don’t think this is at all flattering in the way you clearly think it is.

Friendships shouldn’t be this hard. I have longtime male friends who’ve had their share of relationship disasters without it taking up anywhere near this amount of headspace.

If you don’t want to step away from the friendship, tell him you don’t want to feature in his initial pitch to new dates, because he’s just using you to seem desirable. And the reason he will never become your boyfriend is because this way suits him better.

@FloraPostIt dangle as is keep me as back up. Put by those thoughts in my head so I start to see him differently? When I do mention dates he gets surprised. Oh already have a cat

@Planesmistakenforstars I asked to see texts as I didn’t believe she would be so mean and jealous. She was. His replies were she is a friend, not sleeping with her and it’s not going to work out if you can’t accept her. She is going nowhere

@BloodyForeland I only found out this week. I have asked him to stop talking about me. This friend has form for pouncing on people who are delicate. She has multiple affairs and father of her kids was an affair that lasted years - she was OW.

Right, because he told you about her meaness and jealousy, you didn''t just pull the idea from your arse. Why did he tell you all this? He is stirring things.

@Planesmistakenforstars that’s what I am trying to figure out. Why stir now. Been friends for years and nothing like this has happened. It was a normal close friendship.

I am starting to think he is clued up I might have feelings and putting me off. Or is trying to tell me in a messed up way he likes me.

I told him I had a job interview in another city yesterday that means I would need to move there. He was surprised and asked why move away when my friends are here? I told him what bud keeping me here, assume my friends will still be friends regardless of where I I’ve. He knows my job is a bit niche and I would need to move to progress.

We have joked that we would be good together in the past.

OP he's either just a shit stirrer, and you won't understand their mentality because you're not one, or he does like you but he's still shit stirring and is telling you the way a 14 year old would. How can this possibly be attractive? The world isn't short on men, find one who you actually know you fancy, and who isn't a childish, drama filled, shit stirring knobhead.

Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship you need to have better boundaries with him.

I'd be clear that I didn't want to hear about his previous fling and the details about stalking which he clearly encouraged was totally unacceptable. I'd be clear that I didn't want to hear any details of what he tells or doesn't tell dates about you - not interested.

Practice saying "oh, that's odd, not sure why you'd tell me that".

Detach yourself from his drama and he'll soon find someone else to mess with I'm sure.

@Planesmistakenforstars yeah. I am not a shitstirrer. It was just odd that he told me. No need to. Said he knew I would judge him.

Might distance from him. It’s just odd of why now. I know he always talks in riddles and can never fully say what he means. Always hints and I have to ask him directly. It’s a joke with us and his friends.

He sounds very intense to me op. Who constantly tells people about their female friends on dates and then constantly tells you about how he always talks about you to other girls. I don't think he knows what he thinks/feels. I think if it was going to happen wouldn't it have happened by now?? X

@Jennifer2r you are correctly. We have odd boundaries he was very attentive in our friendship when he ended it with her. Become distant with me when I told him I had been on a few dates with someone. Saying someone actually passed my fussy test.

Oh that sounds so boring. You know you only have a certain amount of emotional energy and you get to choose where you direct it to.

How can you be flirting with each other and still expect to maintain a friendship when either of you gets into a relationship? It's sounds like you are in some sort of pseudo boyfriend/girlfriend relationship already without the sex. Messaging several times a day and seeing each other at least weekly. How do you envisage future partners would fit into this scenario with the acknowledgement that you have "the feels" (on your part at least).

I'd take his declarations about you being in his life always and if anyone didn't like that they could take the high road with a huge pinch of salt. Once a man meets "the one" he will give up an awful lot to keep her even if that means ditching life long friends. He'll be looking to make a future with someone (as you should be) and continuing friendships with someone of the opposite sex which can best be described as "it's complicated" never fair well. Do you really think a future GF or BF is going to be happy with "I'm popping out for a drink tonight with @Claddinghell, yeah, the one I said I'd move in with..."

Surely if he was interested in dating you, he’d explore that, rather than being active on dating sites and dating other people?

@CamsPaisleyCuffs I have said this to him. We will naturally distance from each other. But he says no we won’t. I don’t believe him. However he has stayed in constant contact when he has been in other relationships. Me not so much

I have to admit I don’t tell him about my dating life. He accidentally found out about my last date as he popped round unexpectedly and we were having dinner.

@flowery I think so. But things can develop unexpected. He says he won’t chase anyone now. His last date declared on sm that she was in a relationship with someone else.

Unexpectedly turned when you were on a date! Sounds suspicious to me