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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go swimming?

36 replies

Nagol · 25/02/2022 18:18

That’s it basically. I don’t want to go swimming. My partner and I have 12 year old boys (from previous relationships) 3 months between them and they’ve grown up together since the age of 2. When they were toddlers, we took them swimming every weekend and I’d go in the pool with them.

Since then, I’ve had cancer treatment, I gained weight and suffered severely with body issues.

My son got upset that I wouldn’t go in the pool with him last summer (my partner and stepson weren’t with us, we were staying with family at the time) I couldn’t bring myself to put myself in a swimsuit. We weren’t in public, we were just with my sister and her family and my bil’s parents (it was their swimming pool) Hating that I let my weight get in the way of making my son happy, I’ve managed to lose 2.5 stone with another half to go before I’m at my target.

Earlier this week, I went in the pool with my son - he was ecstatic. I also went in a spa with my partner while we stayed at a hotel the other night. Fast forward to today and the boys want to go swimming. My partner has booked us all in but I don’t want to go. I’ve been twice this week already. I’ve also had my hair done at the hairdressers (I do realise how vain and pathetic that sounds but I have curly hair, which is a nightmare to manage and the hairdressers have straightened it and I want to keep it looking nice while I can) I wear glasses. - but can’t wear them swimming, so walk around blind.

I’ve also had a family bereavement and the burial was yesterday. We had to travel 7 hours to get there (Wednesday) and another 7 hours back yesterday. I just want to sit, process and just sort my head out.

All that aside, I just don’t want the hassle of going swimming. My son isn’t bothered, yes he’d like me in the pool with them, but as my stepson and partner are there he’s not bothered as he has them to entertain him.

My partner has finally accepted that I don’t want to go swimming, so instead, he’s insisted I sit in the window area and watch them. Did I mention I just want to sit at home? I get that sounds lazy and not very family oriented - so AIBU?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 25/02/2022 18:23

Nothing more boring than watching others swim. Just tell him you’re staying home. Do you need his permission?

LittleOwl153 · 25/02/2022 18:26

I don't blame you. Sounds like a rough week and given the boys aren't bothered maybe your partner needs to grow up and accept you need some space!

As an aside decathlon do goggles you can put prescription lenses in. That has been a game changer for my dh taking the kids swimming as he can now actually see them!!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 18:26

Tell your bloody dp he is too old to need someone to wave to

Stay home
You deserve a break.

Hellocatshome · 25/02/2022 18:28

What would be the point in you watching them? They are 12 year old boys im suprised they want to goswimming with adults at all to be honest. Tell your DP you need some time to yourself after the bereavement and he can have a boys day out with them. Surely he should be able to understand that.

RandomMess · 25/02/2022 18:33
Confused

Why one earth would you want to watch them swimming???

After a funeral and that long long drive you need to just chill.

Thanks
Savvysix1984 · 25/02/2022 18:38

I don't blame you! I love swimming on holiday but having to wash my (long) hair is a pain in the arse!

Didiplanthis · 25/02/2022 18:46

Absolutely ok to not go, but going forward I have always HATED going swimming with my kids because of how I felt about my body. it utterly ruined any holiday. Last year I bought some swimwear from modli (I think its rebranded as calypso ) which was a swim dress with 3/4 length swim leggings. For the first time I didn't feel utterly miserable and humiliated by going swimming.

balalake · 25/02/2022 18:48

Never mind what it is, after a bereavement, time on your own should be a choice you can make.

newbiename · 25/02/2022 18:51

Stay home OP 💐
By the way , I often avoid swimming because my hair is a pain. I have got prescription goggles as I wear lenses.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/02/2022 22:45

"My partner has finally accepted that I don’t want to go swimming, so instead, he’s insisted I sit in the window area and watch them. Did I mention I just want to sit at home? I get that sounds lazy and not very family oriented - so AIBU?"

He should have accepted you saying you didn't want to go swimming the first time you said it, not 'finally'. And he doesn't get to insist you do any damned thing! You need to tell him to back the fuck off and show a bit of care and consideration to you. Funerals can sometimes hit us unexpectedly, and you need some time to process that.

Can I just ask - you gave a LOT of reasons why you didn't want to go swimming, any one of which was reason enough. It's as if you are used to really having to justify to your partner not doing what he wants you to do. Do you always have to jump through this number of hoops before he will stop pushing to get his own way?

newbiename · 26/02/2022 10:43

I'd also be worried he 'insists' you go and watch.

lockdownalli · 26/02/2022 10:46

so instead, he’s insisted

Tell us more about this. He isn't the boss of you. If you want to stay at home then that's what you do.

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 10:55

Ugh I hate swimming. Dc are now both old enough to go in the pool themselves as of last week. That was a day to celebrate. I'm surprised 12 year old boys even want you there tbh. I don't blame you not wanting to go in and if you're not going in what's the point of going at all. It's no fun to watch others swim.

SpilltheTea · 26/02/2022 11:05

He's being utterly ridiculous. I'd tell him he's going without you and to stop harping on about it. He's a grown man, he doesn't need you to watch him through the window.

Original poster
Nagol · 26/02/2022 18:59

Thank you for your responses. I went and watched, while listening to an audiobook.

I’m my own worst enemy for people pleasing but feel less guilty having read the replies to the thread.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/02/2022 19:47

Seriously you went and literally "did as you were told" on the command of your husband?

People pleaser or doormat? What about your needs, do they ever get met?

Has there been any compassion on consideration for the tiring and horrible week you've had?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2022 00:19

@Nagol

Thank you for your responses. I went and watched, while listening to an audiobook.

I’m my own worst enemy for people pleasing but feel less guilty having read the replies to the thread.

So you're aware that being a people pleaser works against your own best interests. Can you take the next step, and try to suppress it?
Original poster
Nagol · 27/02/2022 07:45

I knew it meant a lot to my partner, which is why I went. I just wanted to see if I was (un)reasonable in the way I felt about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nagol · 27/02/2022 07:48

It’s certainly something I needy to work on.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 27/02/2022 07:54

Surely part of the joy of your DP going swimming with the boys is that you can relax at home, happy in the knowledge that they’re well occupied?

I love swimming but I also love it when DH takes DS without me.

liveforsummer · 27/02/2022 07:58

Why would something so standard and dreary mean a lot. That's odd and imo a bit manipulative of him to express

Sciurus83 · 27/02/2022 08:02

Watching them swimming is not a gesture that means a lot. Letting your exhausted partner rest and have a bit of quiet time when she needs to instead of dragging her to sit at a pool for absolutely no reason is a normal thing. Is he always this selfish? Your needs matter too OP.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:04

YABU for complying with your DP’s unreasonable request. Nasty of your DP.

maslinpan · 27/02/2022 08:07

What meant a lot to your DP was not that you were watching the swimming, it was that he had made you go there when you really didn't want to. That should be something to think about really carefully.

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