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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to go swimming?

36 replies

Nagol · 25/02/2022 18:18

That’s it basically. I don’t want to go swimming. My partner and I have 12 year old boys (from previous relationships) 3 months between them and they’ve grown up together since the age of 2. When they were toddlers, we took them swimming every weekend and I’d go in the pool with them.

Since then, I’ve had cancer treatment, I gained weight and suffered severely with body issues.

My son got upset that I wouldn’t go in the pool with him last summer (my partner and stepson weren’t with us, we were staying with family at the time) I couldn’t bring myself to put myself in a swimsuit. We weren’t in public, we were just with my sister and her family and my bil’s parents (it was their swimming pool) Hating that I let my weight get in the way of making my son happy, I’ve managed to lose 2.5 stone with another half to go before I’m at my target.

Earlier this week, I went in the pool with my son - he was ecstatic. I also went in a spa with my partner while we stayed at a hotel the other night. Fast forward to today and the boys want to go swimming. My partner has booked us all in but I don’t want to go. I’ve been twice this week already. I’ve also had my hair done at the hairdressers (I do realise how vain and pathetic that sounds but I have curly hair, which is a nightmare to manage and the hairdressers have straightened it and I want to keep it looking nice while I can) I wear glasses. - but can’t wear them swimming, so walk around blind.

I’ve also had a family bereavement and the burial was yesterday. We had to travel 7 hours to get there (Wednesday) and another 7 hours back yesterday. I just want to sit, process and just sort my head out.

All that aside, I just don’t want the hassle of going swimming. My son isn’t bothered, yes he’d like me in the pool with them, but as my stepson and partner are there he’s not bothered as he has them to entertain him.

My partner has finally accepted that I don’t want to go swimming, so instead, he’s insisted I sit in the window area and watch them. Did I mention I just want to sit at home? I get that sounds lazy and not very family oriented - so AIBU?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 08:11

Why on Earth would it mean a lot to your DP?

What was gained by you sitting there instead of sitting at home?

Hellocatshome · 27/02/2022 08:12

How could it mean a lot to him? You watching them swim doesnt mean a lot to anyone its a completely pointless mundane exercise. He is a very good manipulator by the sounds of it.

HollowTalk · 27/02/2022 08:14

@Nagol

I knew it meant a lot to my partner, which is why I went. I just wanted to see if I was (un)reasonable in the way I felt about it.

Why would it mean a lot to him though? I don't understand that.

millymae · 27/02/2022 08:20

You were not unreasonable in wanting to give swimming a miss, but I would have done the same as you OP - sometimes you have to choose your battles and to me this wouldn’t be one worth fighting. If you’d dug your heels in and stayed at home you probably wouldn’t have achieved what you wanted to.

Isn’t this what is called meeting in the middle? You didn’t swim because you didn’t want to, but you joined the family at the pool, albeit slightly reluctantly. This isn’t ‘doing as you were told on the command of your husband’ as someone above said, you considered the options and chose the middle ground. There is nothing wrong with that. I don’t see it as being a doormat. If you were one of those you would have let yourself be persuaded to go in the pool.

bettydelrimple · 27/02/2022 08:23

What a bizarre thread. In my house the conversation would go like this:

"I've had a bit of a shit week love, do you mind taking the boys swimming on your own?"

"Of course love, no problem."

liveforsummer · 27/02/2022 08:28

@millymae

The question is why was something like that ever a battle at all?!

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:34

You say you’re a ‘people pleaser’: is this in general? Or is the issue your DP?

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 08:35

You don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
Saying no is very liberating, and gets easier.

washingmachines4 · 27/02/2022 08:43

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say epic well done on tackling the bigger issue.
There are so many people who have body issues and won't get in the pool even though it makes their children sad.
There are so many people who are frightened of swimming who don't tackle their issues even though it makes their children sad.
You have taken measures which aren't easy and you must have had to take consistently over a long period of time for the pay off of 2.5 stone loss! You have got in the pool and made your children happy and will doubtless continue to do so. You were completely justified in not wanting to go yesterday and there isn't anything to be guilty about with that. I think you should have felt able to stay home but I would have gone too.
Hope you have a more restful day today!
xx

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 08:54

@millymae

It's not meeting I the middle when her partner "insisted" that she still went along.

A compromise would have been compassion on her shit week and understanding her need to sit at home and recover and deal with her grief. Compromise would have been "Ok darling, shall we move it to next week"

SeedsSeedsSeeds · 27/02/2022 09:10

Leaving aside the crap week and potentially controlling issues, you need to find a way to accept your body. It has done amazing things by beating illness and having a child and it must have been tough for you. Be kind to yourself, I see all shapes and sizes at the pool and what I notice is people having fun.

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