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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not really my job to make parenting convenient for ex?

46 replies

Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 15:42

Ds2 attends an activity on Saturday mornings which is close to my house, about a 10 minutes walk away.
Ex has dc every other weekend, Friday afternoon- Sunday afternoon.
He hasn’t seen them for 3 weeks at all for various weak ‘reasons’
He’s now saying he will pick them up Saturday, leaving dc1 with me whilst he takes dc2 to activity, then come back to collect dc1 and take them both to his for the weekend. Because he says there’s “no point” him driving back and forth
Aibu to say no? He currently only has them 4 nights a months as it is. One dc is autistic and doesn’t sleep great, plus it’s been half term and I’m mentally exhausted.
I understand it’s inconvenient but he lives only 15-20 minutes drive away not the other side of the country and sometimes parenting is inconvenient. I don’t think it’s going to kill him to have to wake up and get the kids out early.
Dc2 attends an activity out of my town on Sunday mornings and I always manage to take him to that just fine, and that’s white tricky to get to as I don’t drive but I just get in with it and I think so should he.
I’m really aware that maybe I am being petty but I’m so sick of having to do l the hard work of parenting for him to not even want to do something mildly inconvenient.

OP posts:
PicaK · 25/02/2022 15:45

I hear you

Jennifer2r · 25/02/2022 15:46

I would just tell him you're busy at that time and it doesn't work for you.

Mouldyfeet · 25/02/2022 15:46

Tell him no, his weekend and he needs to look after both children

LemonViolet · 25/02/2022 15:48

YANBU. He collects them Friday evening and manages it all himself. You’re away for the weekend aren’t you?

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 25/02/2022 15:50

Being a parent means you are responsible. End of. Its his time with his children and he is responsible for them during that time.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2022 15:50

You're right and I can see how this sort of thing gets absolutely tedious. Tell him to sort himself out.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 25/02/2022 15:50

He should get them Friday. But if he decides he's coming Saturday, be ready with your coat on and keys in hand and say he will have to take them both together as you're going out. Actually come out and shut your door. Even if you only go to a friend's house or to Costa.

MoiraNotRuby · 25/02/2022 15:51

How long does the activity last? Surely he could collect both DC, drop DC2 at activity and then take DC1 to something else, then collect DC2 from activity.

The 'something else' could be going to the park/going to a cafe/even something dull like grocery shopping.

I would invent a reason with my ex, he has no respect for my time but if I said 'you'll have to take both DC because I'm getting carpets cleaned/car serviced' or something like that, he is more likely to step up. (Which is shit really but I can't change him)

Akire · 25/02/2022 15:54

That’s not the arrangement it’s Friday afn to Sunday aft. Now he wants it to be from what midday Saturday instead? Why does having one child for an hour or so while one is at an activity mean anything? Granted they can’t go far or do much but that’s what millions of parents manage. Ask him what he’s doing on Fridays that means he can’t commit?

Original poster
Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 15:57

MoiraNotRuby- it’s only an hour long but parents have to stay, i always just take both dc and bring along dc2’s tablet for him to play whilst we wait and it’s fine. He basically just doesn’t want the inconvenience of having to drive to my town to pick them up and then drive back again tomorrow to take dc1 to his activity and also probably doesn’t want to have to try and keep dc2 entertained whilst they wait. It’s really not far away, he used to drive here every day for work so I don’t understand why he’s acting like it’s so hard to do

OP posts:
Akire · 25/02/2022 15:59

So he wants save what 20min drive +1h activity + 20m drive by also losing what 20 hours of contact with his kids?

Theunamedcat · 25/02/2022 16:00

"That doesn't work for me I've got plans"

Be prepared for him to not show up at all though

WildPoinsettia · 25/02/2022 16:03

I don’t understand why he’s acting like it’s so hard to do

Because if he can get you to provide free child care during his contact times, that's what is easier for him and so it's his preferred choice. It's hard to understand, he's using you. Poor DC, he sounds like he doesn't really want to spend time with them and will only do it if it's fun and easy

WildPoinsettia · 25/02/2022 16:04

*not hard to understand

AnotherDelphinium · 25/02/2022 16:08

I think you’re making parenting quite inconvenient by booking stuff on his weekends.

Or you could offer that he collects Saturday morning (both! you’re not offering childcare!) but that he then drops off direct to school Monday.

Bluetrews25 · 25/02/2022 16:09

Yeah, watch out - if it's suddenly not convenient for you to wait for a later pick up then he might pull out altogether. Judging by what you have said about 'reasons'.

Original poster
Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 16:13

AnotherDelphinium- I didn’t book it in the first place, he did! It’s a sports class that dc loves going to. I haven’t told him he HAS to take dc to it, but why should dc miss out on being able to go to his sports class because his dad is too lazy to take him!?

OP posts:
IggyAce · 25/02/2022 16:14

I’d point out that since he is reducing the nights per year he has them he will need to increase his CM payment. A financial impact might make him rethink.

Original poster
Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 16:16

Also he absolutely would not drop dc off at school, he’s never ever done that with either dc. even once when dc2 was in hospital so he had to have dc1 short notice he just didn’t bother taking him to school that day because it was “too hard to get him there in time”

OP posts:
phishy · 25/02/2022 16:18

Don't you dare say yes to him OP!

It's like he sees you as the nanny, there for his convenience.

Stay firm Flowers

ivykaty44 · 25/02/2022 16:27

you're not being petty and I would nip this in the bud so to speak

Message today and say

It not convent for you to leave dc at mine this Saturday whilst activity is happening, you'll need to collect both children and get to activity for x time and sort out over dc yourself.

regards

Or message this week to say

Hi, just letting you know its ok the week for me to have dc at home whilst activity takes place but next week you'll have to sort yourselves out and pick up at x time to get dc to activity

then you've sown the seed this isn't always going to happen

then the following week you can message and say im not going to be available to have dc for a few weeks

be careful not say available and not around or at home

this is a gentle method in moving things outside of the home for their contact with the other parent - and the dc not doing the activity should not be forgotten - its their time with their other nrp, which is really important and especially if its solo time

ivykaty44 · 25/02/2022 16:28

be careful not say available and not around or at home

should read say

not available

don't say around incase he checks

which is nothing t do with him - you could be having wild sex or doing a zoom meeting

KylieKoKo · 25/02/2022 16:35

I think that the best co parenting agreements have some flex and can accommodate changes but this has to be two way. He sees you as default childcare so he can pick and choose. Nip this in the bud op. He is only suggesting this because he thinks he can get away with it.

Original poster
Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 16:42

I told him no and he’s said that i’m being controlling by saying he has to pick them up tonight and that I can’t tell him what to do.
That weird response from him makes me think its probably the case that he’s made plans to go out tonight and is just making excuses about the dc activity so that he doesn’t have to have them tonight. I’m so fed up for them.
Not sure how me expecting him to stick to his agreed contact days is me being controlling,

OP posts:
NinjaQueen · 25/02/2022 16:42

Just say no, if he pulls out of having them remind him that his maintenance will increase since he is reducing contact.