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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s not really my job to make parenting convenient for ex?

46 replies

Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 15:42

Ds2 attends an activity on Saturday mornings which is close to my house, about a 10 minutes walk away.
Ex has dc every other weekend, Friday afternoon- Sunday afternoon.
He hasn’t seen them for 3 weeks at all for various weak ‘reasons’
He’s now saying he will pick them up Saturday, leaving dc1 with me whilst he takes dc2 to activity, then come back to collect dc1 and take them both to his for the weekend. Because he says there’s “no point” him driving back and forth
Aibu to say no? He currently only has them 4 nights a months as it is. One dc is autistic and doesn’t sleep great, plus it’s been half term and I’m mentally exhausted.
I understand it’s inconvenient but he lives only 15-20 minutes drive away not the other side of the country and sometimes parenting is inconvenient. I don’t think it’s going to kill him to have to wake up and get the kids out early.
Dc2 attends an activity out of my town on Sunday mornings and I always manage to take him to that just fine, and that’s white tricky to get to as I don’t drive but I just get in with it and I think so should he.
I’m really aware that maybe I am being petty but I’m so sick of having to do l the hard work of parenting for him to not even want to do something mildly inconvenient.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 25/02/2022 16:53

Just tell him that if that’s what he wants to do he needs to get it sorted formally, amd of course child maintenance will be going up as you have them even longer

BobLemon · 25/02/2022 17:09

Not a bad point about maintenance actually… would him giving up an overnight push things into a different CM bracket?

affairsofdragons · 25/02/2022 17:12

@Eekkeed

I told him no and he’s said that i’m being controlling by saying he has to pick them up tonight and that I can’t tell him what to do. That weird response from him makes me think its probably the case that he’s made plans to go out tonight and is just making excuses about the dc activity so that he doesn’t have to have them tonight. I’m so fed up for them. Not sure how me expecting him to stick to his agreed contact days is me being controlling,

Tell him that, No, HE is being controlling by deliberately forcing you to cover his time with HIS children with little to no notice meaning your plans have to be altered or cancelled. What if you were working when they're supposed to be at his? You'd have lost your job by now after 3 weekends running of him cancelling his contact time!

affairsofdragons · 25/02/2022 17:13

I'd also tell him you're going to ask for more child maintenance formally if he's not actually having them on his weekends as he should be.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2022 17:14

I agree with mentioning CM. "OK but as you have dropped X nights in the last 2 months I will let CMS know as we will get the maintenance reassessed"

He will be there quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.

MintyFreshBreath · 25/02/2022 17:18

Disclaimer here, I’m both a mum with an ex (so in your position) and also have a DH who has kids with someone else. Anyway, as much as it pains me to say it, doesn’t it come down to what’s best for the kids. Maybe the first kid doesn’t want to watch its sibling doing their fun activity and finds it quite boring. It might be better for them to stay with you until they can go off with their sibling and dad and enjoy the weekend together.

WildPoinsettia · 25/02/2022 17:22

MintyFreshBreath during his contact time, it's for OPs ex to do what's best for DC and if that means childcare whilst the activities take place then he needs to arrange and pay for that not dump it on OP

BobLemon · 25/02/2022 17:23

Just checked and the cutoff is 52 nights per year. If it was 4 nights a month (let’s assume extra in holiday) but now 2 nights a month, then it looks like you may well cross into a new CM bracket.

itsgettingweird · 25/02/2022 17:30

Either "contact if Friday until Sunday - if you choose not to take the kids to their activity that's on you" or "that's fine - I'll contact CSA and let them know your having them 26 nights less a year and get the maintenance adjusted accordingly"

Depends which one you think he'll respond to better that works for you!

ChiselandBits · 25/02/2022 17:46

The next thing will be, 'I'll have them Friday but not taking DS to the activity'. Dick move but you can't stop it unless you cave on the Friday night issue. It weaponises the kids because you'll probably give in at that point for your DS's sake. Goes without saying that he's a twat. Sorry.

ChocolateMassacre · 25/02/2022 17:47

I'd tell him you'll do it but he can pay you £15ph for 'babysitting' them on his contact time. Starting Friday afternoon. Since you say one DC doesn't sleep well, I wouldn't offer any reduction on your overnight rate.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/02/2022 17:53

Yet another deadbeat dad.....

Please stand firm.

Original poster

Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 18:06

MintyFreshBreath- that’s ridiculous, where does that end? If he has to take them food shopping but they’d rather not go to boring food shopping should he drop them off to me to babysit whilst he does so?
If I have to take them somewhere boring should I drop them it their dad to look after?

OP posts:

Original poster

Eekkeed · 25/02/2022 18:08

Well he hasn’t shown up but that’s no shorter really.

OP posts:

SugarAndCoffee · 25/02/2022 18:11

@Chloemol

Just tell him that if that’s what he wants to do he needs to get it sorted formally, amd of course child maintenance will be going up as you have them even longer

I'd definitely do this. He has set contact days for a reason.

Whatwouldscullydo · 25/02/2022 18:12

What a dick.

As if you get to just not have a second child tagging along all the time.

His day his problem

ChiselandBits · 25/02/2022 18:20

@MintyFreshBreath really that can't work. As a single parent of more than one kid it's just life that one gets dragged along or both have to come on boring errands. Or can the op drop them randomly with her ex on a Tuesday when she's got stuff to do?

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/02/2022 18:27

Get both kids ready in the morning and have your coat on and close the door, just a cheery, HI, we’ll kids have a great time with daddy, see you tomorrow! And just leave.

thenewduchessoflapland · 25/02/2022 18:52

Wouldn't it be nice if you could pick and choose what parts of parenting your kids you'd like to do and not do.I'm not surprised he didn't take your other DC to school when he had to take them when their sibling was in hospital.I unfortunately have friends with useless exes like this.

He's a total Disney dad isn't he?;I think you need to be firm;tell him he collects at x time Friday and drops at x time Sunday.If he cancels a weekend he needs to take them the following weekend even if that means having them 2 weekends consecutively.

I remember when my friends kids were young and her ex met his now wife he'd regularly drop his EOW weekends and go weeks without seeing the kids;he wouldn't even ring them via video call on my friends laptop to say hello to them when he hadn't seen them for a few weeks.Funnily enough when he moved in with his now DW he started having them EOW again.

WildPoinsettia · 25/02/2022 19:40

@Eekkeed

Well he hasn’t shown up but that’s no shorter really.

You could always be unavailable when he comes tomorrow. Your agreement is to be there for handover on Friday and Sunday, not to wait in all day Saturday in case he decides to show up at some point. You could mark this weekend on your records as a no-show and do whatever you want tomorrow. His opportunity to collect has been and gone.

Theunamedcat · 26/02/2022 12:38

Did he show up today?

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