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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Shared custody and clothing

40 replies

JasonMomoasnextgirlfriend · 25/02/2022 13:12

Has anyone got any experience like mine? I split up with my ex 18 months ago and the situation is very acrimonious. We're still fighting in the courts over custody. When I send the children to him for overnight stays he doesn't provide them with clean clothing. They have just returned to me this morning after two nights away wearing exactly the same stuff as I sent them in. Underwear, socks, everything. I asked my son what was said and his father apparently said something like "This is crazy, she is meant to be sending you with clothes". No agreement has ever been made about this, in fact in the past my solicitor has had to put him straight on this. After 7 months of waiting I have finally started receiving Child Maintenance and I am wondering if this means he thinks I am now expected to provide everything. Can anyone shed any light on this? Thanks.

OP posts:
newbiename · 25/02/2022 13:15

I don't know the legalities but poor kids. I bet if you sent clothes they wouldn't come back. He sounds like a deadbeat

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 13:17

Whatever the dc need in his time he provides.. Whatever I sent with dc my exh sold...
Get a onesie for coming and going....

Totallyanonymousplease · 25/02/2022 13:18

This doesn’t seem to be about money? Does he have some of their clothes at his? If not it’s a good idea to send them with clothes for the time they are away?

WildPoinsettia · 25/02/2022 13:22

He's treating them like guests. You know the way you go to stay with a friend or relative and you bring your own clothes and toiletries and take them home again.

They're not guests though they're his DC and his home is their home too. He needs to be a proper parent and provide clothes, beds, toys, food etc whatever they need to have a happy home life in his home.

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 13:22

Don't send them if he's going to neglect them.

What's the current custody arrangement? I think he should be providing clothing but he thinks you should so speak to your solicitor.

RandomMess · 25/02/2022 13:24

Just send a short factual email and copy in his solicitor

"Whether you pay maintenance to me or not you are legally required to provide for the DC needs in their time with you which includes basics such as food, clothes and childcare"

Happy36 · 25/02/2022 13:27

The clothes they travel in are the clothes they come back in and will be washed by the other parent while they're there, and all of the time at each parent's house they wear the clothes they have at that parent's house. Ditto things like pens, pencils, toiletries, towels and bedding, toys, books, board games. Only school books and perhaps expensive specialist equipment (a musical instrument, ballet shoes, cricket bat and pads, etc.) go back and forth.

WildPoinsettia · 25/02/2022 13:28

If you don't nip this in the bud now he'll be demanding you eg pay for nit treatment if they catch them at his, sending them back to you earlier if they're ill, not doing any laundry for them etc, and generally refusing to step up and parent them properly. He's not doing you a favour by having them, he's not looking after them for you, they're his DC and he needs to provide for them.

As you're fighting for custody, keep a record of this. Because regardless of his personal opinion, his DC had no clean clothes and he didn't care and didn't provide them with any but instead left them in the same clothes for 3 days. I bet they slept in them too and he didn't buy pyjamas. It's neglectful.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 25/02/2022 13:32

I sympathise OP, my ex is also a useless sack of minge- won’t even supply toothbrushes for our children. It’s annoying as fuck. I send the children with everything when they go, which thankfully isn’t often these days. I can’t bear the thought of them going without and also my conscience is clear because I’m doing everything I can for them. I tell myself I’m doing it for my children and I and not for his benefit.

Gizacluethen · 25/02/2022 13:36

I'd send an email that you can show the courts. Explain that DC have come home in three day old pants saying he's refusing to clothe them. Please remember, as suchandsuch solicitor has told you, you need to be providing clothes, and food, and showers and anything else they need while they're in your care. Please sort this before their next visit as its not appropriate to expect them to wear the same clothes for so long.

Acheyknees · 25/02/2022 13:37

How miserable for the kids.

RB68 · 25/02/2022 13:39

God alone knows what they are sleeping in - it is neglectful. Personally I wouldn't pussyfoot it - I would go back to solicitor again and get them to spell it out - if you are good at wording things you write it and it comes from Solicitors saves them spending expensive time writing it

Fuzzy303 · 25/02/2022 13:41

my DSS always returns in the clothes he came in (except pants & socks) this is because his mother would create merry hell if he wasn't returned in the latest new t-shirt, jumper, trousers etc etc etc she had sent him in

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 25/02/2022 13:44

That is neglect, so start documenting it through solicitors letters, it may be he is not able to care for them properly so you will need evidence of that.

BobLemon · 25/02/2022 13:49

Don’t ask your kids. Ask your Ex. Questioning the DCs will not reflect well on you (and it’s pretty unpleasant for DCs to be grilled by parents).

Roomba · 25/02/2022 13:54

I do send my kids with clothes, but then my ex washes and returns them. And vice versa. He buys them
stuff if they need it, just as I do. Their clothes belong to them whoever bought them and while I probably do end up spending more on clothing for them than my ex does, it's probably because they are with me more so I end up replacing stuff when needed more often. My ex offers to pay half (or all of it) for more expensive stuff like shoes, coats, uniform etc if I'm skint. They've ended up with clothes at both houses that were bought by either of us, they don't have clothes for Mum's house and clothes for Dad's house as such. There's been a few incidents where my ex didn't wash stuff and return it to mine with them quickly, so they ended up with no school trousers at mine, or their sports kit left there when it was needed here. But as they've got older they've become more responsible for remembering which stuff they'll need over the next few days and bring it there/home with them, we've all learned through trial and error and it rarely happens these days.

And my ex is an abusive arsehole. But even he recognises that kids need clean clothes and that their clothes are theirs, whoever purchased them!

MadgeMak · 25/02/2022 14:09

@Fuzzy303

my DSS always returns in the clothes he came in (except pants & socks) this is because his mother would create merry hell if he wasn't returned in the latest new t-shirt, jumper, trousers etc etc etc she had sent him in
The situation OP describes is totally different, it isn't relevant to what OP is experiencing.
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 25/02/2022 14:15

I never got any clothes back from my ex so started buying cheaper multi-pack t shirts and leggings to send the DDs in. I then got an angry e mail from my ex saying that I had to stop putting the kids in poor quality clothing when I got £xxx in child support

Freddiefox · 25/02/2022 14:19

I have had a running battle with ex about this, clothes not coming back, him not providing clothes. It’s still going on 3 years down the line.
I’ve tried lots of things, but basically it’s boils down to:
He’s a selfish man, and thinks he’s right. He’s happy to blame me, and keep children on dirty clothes rather than provide his own.

But my children suffered when I made a stand.
So I stopped. They will remember, and know when they are older.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 25/02/2022 14:24

This is really really common, as is not returning any clothes they go in. My ex used to take the clothes I sent DS in off him, dress him in charity shop clothes and send him back in those. The original clothes would never be seen again. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I have no idea what he did with them or why he did it as he simply refused to acknowledge that it was happening.

MoiraNotRuby · 25/02/2022 14:32

How old are the kids? Mine are mid/late teens and take their own things from here, I know I could argue ex needs to provide stuff but it won't be long until they are adults so its a battle I'm not going to fight... it will be unpleasant for the DC.

However if yours are younger, better get this sorted ASAP.

Cocomarine · 25/02/2022 14:33

I have two friends who have been through this, I think it’s Arsehole Ex 101.
Things they did:

  • worked handovers as much as possible around school pick ups. She found that whilst he’d send son home grubby and in the same clothes to her, he didn’t want judgement from school so sent him in clean uniform there
  • waited it out, reasoning that her child wasn’t too aware of it, and when he got older, said himself to his dad, “where are today’s clothes?”
  • picked her battles and quietly seethed as she always sent cheap extra outfit, as clothing her child was more important
  • sent a blast of a solicitor’s letter, which led to him providing clothes but always sending child back in the oldest /most damaged /grown out of as his pathetic retaliation
MissMaple82 · 25/02/2022 14:47

@Bob lemon what's unpleasant for the kids is being left in the same clothes for two days by their father! Let's get things into perspective here!

OP - this is a form of child neglect, you need to document this and I agree with another poster, send a firm and clear email stating the facts going forward, CCing your solicitor. Keep a diary of any further incidents which can then be used as evidence in court. He sounds like an arse!

IsItTooHotInHere · 25/02/2022 14:52

My son has his kids every other weekend, plus half of every school holiday. Their mum doesn't send anything at all. My son has got full sets of clothes, plus shoes, coats, underwear, nightwear, etc. When he collects them from their home, they're often wearing swimwear and sliders or shorts and t-shirts with slippers - yes, even in winter

PreschoolMum4 · 25/02/2022 15:04

We each have our “own clothes” for the children. At handover the clothes are passed back. My impression is that child maintenance is for day to day living but I would still expect clothing to be provided from both sides. I personally offered overnight bags after we split but they weren’t needed. Despite loosing a few items here and there when going back and forth it generally works well.