AIBU? Shared custody and clothing

[JasonMomoasnextgirlfriend]

Has anyone got any experience like mine? I split up with my ex 18 months ago and the situation is very acrimonious. We're still fighting in the courts over custody. When I send the children to him for overnight stays he doesn't provide them with clean clothing. They have just returned to me this morning after two nights away wearing exactly the same stuff as I sent them in. Underwear, socks, everything. I asked my son what was said and his father apparently said something like "This is crazy, she is meant to be sending you with clothes". No agreement has ever been made about this, in fact in the past my solicitor has had to put him straight on this. After 7 months of waiting I have finally started receiving Child Maintenance and I am wondering if this means he thinks I am now expected to provide everything. Can anyone shed any light on this? Thanks.

My DSD used to come here once a month and half the holidays, she would always turn up with a bag of the most grubby, holey, ill-fitting clothes, stuff like dresses that she refused to wear, only sliders in winter etc. When she was only over for the weekend with no time to shop it was so frustrating.

My ex used to buy her stuff for here and try and keep it here but every time without fail she would cry and beg to take everything home, he would usually give in and then eventually when he started saying no she would sneak everything into her bag at the last minute and take it anyway. None of it ever came back, she would come again a month later with a bag of Christmas jumpers in August, no underwear etc. In the end we had to start searching her bag before she got in the car and we discovered she was stealing all kinds of clothes from my DD as well. Such a hard situation all round but I'd personally send my kids with everything they needed, cheap versions if I suspected their dad would keep it but if i had to keep replacing stuff then so be it. I'd never want them to be in uncomfortable clothes or feeling dirty or uncared for, the idea of it makes me so sad.

@jelly79

My ex has DS4 EOW. I send with a little case of clothes and spares. They come back with him, dirty clothes in a carrier and I wash them. He has a couple of spare tops, undies and pjs

Ridiculous not sending clothes with them. My heart would break the first time that happened. Shame on you both

It's shame on the EXH. Why can't your ex wash the clothes?

@IsItTooHotInHere

My son has his kids every other weekend, plus half of every school holiday. Their mum doesn't send anything at all. My son has got full sets of clothes, plus shoes, coats, underwear, nightwear, etc. When he collects them from their home, they're often wearing swimwear and sliders or shorts and t-shirts with slippers - yes, even in winter

Fail to see the problem here? Why wouldn’t he have all that they need in his house? Wouldn’t you expect your son to have that for them?

My XH very much wanted our daughter to slide seamlessly between her two homes, never feeling like she was “visiting”, or had the burden of packing or thinking about clothes, or carrying a stuffed bag around.

It would be perfectly normal for her to trot off in swimwear and sliders if that’s what she happened to be in just before collection. Occasionally my XH would text and say, “we’re going straight out for dinner - could she be dressed pleased? 🤣”

*XH and I, that should say. We both wanted our daughter to have zero mental load from having two home.

Legally, in England & Wales, in his time, he should provide everything, clothes, toiletries, toothbrushes, showers, food....

Why are so many men small minded and mean with their own children?

Having said that, I always send stuff because ex's weird new woman started buying girls clothes for ds and ds was so indignant, it was just easier. It rebounded on them though, Ds only goes there 3 times a year now.

@Cocomarine

*XH and I, that should say. We both wanted our daughter to have zero mental load from having two home.

If only most people would do as you @Cocomarine - shows it can be done with the DC best interests at heart.

I send DD with clothes and they always come back. Some people send clothes, some do separate clothes.

Also I didn't have clothes at my mum's house as a kid, only at my nan's where I lived. I would take my clothes with me and bring them home when I visited. Not sure where my clothes would have gone considering the space at mum's was taken up by my younger siblings.

Yes mine thought I was going to provide them with a suitcase of essentials to use whilst with him. And his most put out that he had to buy some Primark pyjamas

My children take an overnight bag with clothes, toiletries etc... he doesn't wash any of their clothes or anything. It's just not something I want to argue over. But my children are older so at least the clothes come back. It would he frustrating if they kept coming back with less each time.

A friend of mine had this issue with her 2 children and exH.

She stopped sending clothes and exH had to buy clothes to keep at his place for weekends, he was especially pissed off when he had to buy clothes for holidays away but my friend was fed up of clothes coming home grass stained etc and he was not generous with the maintenance payments.

I think a spare wardrobe of clothes is the norm.

It's so difficult. As someone on here said, you can't reason with unreasonable.

Cocomarine My son is happy, of course, to have lots of clothes for his children, but the problem is that their mum sends them in clothes (as I said - swimwear and sliders, shorts and t-shirt) in winter, and so when they go home, they go in suitable clothes, with their things washed and packed, but the mum keeps the stuff they've gone home in. They go home in proper clothes because they have to go back on the bus.