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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU over not being invited to the party?

57 replies

bakedbeanz1 · 25/02/2022 11:46

I've been friends with this woman for years and we had booked a trip away together in 2021. It got moved from 2021 to 2022 and landed on the week of her 40th. She's single and childfree so I checked she was happy with the date change and she said 'as long as you promise to make a proper fuss of me!".

We are away for 5 days and her birthday is in the middle of the trip. I found out through a mutual friend that she has booked a party for two days after we come back. It's a pub so she's not paying per head and it's about 10 minutes from my house.

I asked her why I wasn't invited and she said its because we're going away that week. We do have mutual friends that have been invited.

Is it unreasonable to be a bit hurt/annoyed by this? I'm also now not sure what to do for her actual birthday.

OP posts:

Original poster

bakedbeanz1 · 25/02/2022 12:34

@RampantIvy

Is she always this socially unaware? Seriously, downplay her birthday and don't make a fuss about her. You aren't important enough to invite to a party, therefore she isn't important enough for you to make a big deal about her birthday.

Is this trip abroad? And are you sharing a room?

Yes its abroad and we are sharing a room.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 25/02/2022 12:35

Can you try and get a separate room from her, even if you have to pay more?

Original poster

bakedbeanz1 · 25/02/2022 12:38

@RampantIvy

Can you try and get a separate room from her, even if you have to pay more?

I did look and its completely unaffordable- about 4 x the cost of what I paid before.

I also don't know how I'd stay in a separate room without looking like I'd spat the dummy out.

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 25/02/2022 12:39

Definitely don't go out of your way for her birthday and if she comments say I thought you weren't celebrating your birthday until next week.

OnlyClothes · 25/02/2022 12:46

Swallow your pride and do whatever you have to do to ensure you have a really lovely holiday. If she wants balloons and flowers, get them, as far as your (very limited) budget will allow (because remember that massive gas/whatever bill you just had to pay, right?).

The minute you part ways back at the UK airport, regurgitate your pride and reassess 🤣.

MatildaTheCat · 25/02/2022 12:51

I’d agree with pp to go and have a good time but no need to do more than card, small gift and a nice dinner. If she starts on about it not being special enough you can point out that she still has her party to look forward to.

I’d be hurt. I think almost anyone would be.

CornforthWhite · 25/02/2022 12:57

A card a nothing more on her birthday, if she queries it say I’m sure your friends will spoil you next week at your party. If she calls you out for being petty you must say that your mutual friends found it so odd they told you about the party, so even they see her as the one with skewed social awareness.
I would really struggle to process this and would find the holiday really difficult. I’m so sorry this has happened.

Georgeskitchen · 25/02/2022 13:10

So she's booked a party but not laying anything on food wise? So basically it's just meet up at X pub on Y night at Zpm? I'm confused really as to why she hasn't asked you to what sounds less like a party and more like mates meeting up at a pub. Has she booked private room?

Partyatnumber10 · 25/02/2022 13:11

I can sort of see the logic that she organised the party for people that she won't see on her birthday and as she'll have seen lots of you she wants to focus on others. However, at the point where she's realised you're upset about it and still hasn't offered you an invite, she's behaving badly.
Given that you really can't cancel or arrange separate rooms now I'd "get over it" go on the holiday, have a nice time.
On the last night (assuming we'd got along well) I'd have a last bash at telling her how hurt you are about the party. You might be able to patch things up.
If not and she really doesn't care then I'd be letting this friendship drift.

Doggoo · 25/02/2022 13:11

I’d be so annoyed but is she quite socially unaware in general?

Father in law did this to us once, when we questioned it he said ‘we all went out for lunch on the actual day, I didn’t think you’d want to come again’ he genuinely couldn’t comprehend that we may like to come to a party. He is incredibly self absorbed though and saw his birthday party as solely for him, couldn’t understand that anyone else may enjoy it too.

Campervangirl · 25/02/2022 13:27

If she was my "friend" she'd know I'd spat the dummy, I'd have a face like a slapped arse.
I can't believe she'd do that to you and actually discuss why you're not invited, who actually does that?
I'd lose the money, no way would I go on holiday and celebrate a friends bday and be excluded from her party on your return, dump her, she sounds selfish

Original poster

bakedbeanz1 · 25/02/2022 13:45

@CornforthWhite

A card a nothing more on her birthday, if she queries it say I’m sure your friends will spoil you next week at your party. If she calls you out for being petty you must say that your mutual friends found it so odd they told you about the party, so even they see her as the one with skewed social awareness. I would really struggle to process this and would find the holiday really difficult. I’m so sorry this has happened.

I've already booked a day trip for her actual birthday which I paid for. I'll give her a card but under 'normal' circumstances I'd have got her a gift or made some effort to decorate the accommodation.

She might just be thoughtless but it's still hurtful.

OP posts:

KeepingAnOpenMind · 25/02/2022 13:49

What a horrible person she is

Chestofdraws · 25/02/2022 13:51

Is this a romantic relationship op? It’s unusual for a friend to say as long as you make a fuss of me like that.

Original poster

bakedbeanz1 · 25/02/2022 13:55

@Chestofdraws

Is this a romantic relationship op? It’s unusual for a friend to say as long as you make a fuss of me like that.

No she's a friend.

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to say that if you're spending a landmark birthday with them.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 25/02/2022 14:00

I can see her point, to be honest, and it's not at all a slight. She'll have spent the previous week with you, including celebrating with you on the day. When she gets back she'll catch up with the friends and family she couldn't see on the day.

I wouldn't read it as being left out at all, but as having already been covered.

Andylion · 25/02/2022 14:00

I've already booked a day trip for her actual birthday which I paid for. I'll give her a card but under 'normal' circumstances I'd have got her a gift

Surely paying for the day trip is gift enough?

TonksInPurple · 25/02/2022 14:01

I wonder if she thinks that if she invited you to the party you’d make less of a fuss if you were invited to the party.

Original poster

bakedbeanz1 · 25/02/2022 14:03

@Andylion

I've already booked a day trip for her actual birthday which I paid for. I'll give her a card but under 'normal' circumstances I'd have got her a gift

Surely paying for the day trip is gift enough?

Yes, I think so now.

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/02/2022 14:36

Spa day and a Hollywood wax thrown in.

PeacefulPrune · 25/02/2022 14:39

I would have to have another talk with her before I went on holiday with her otherwise it will feel so tense or it would feel like a ticking time bomb.

Does she mean she didn't itnbite because you're already celebrating with her so she forgot toninvit but you can come or is she saying you can't come?

KarmaStar · 25/02/2022 14:41

There's a slight chance she didn't want you to have to celebrate her birthday twice but otherwise,she's not being very nice.
Speak again else your holiday will be strained.

PrincessNutella · 25/02/2022 14:54

What the fuck. No, I would not be celebrating her birthday. Less said the better. I believe madame has made the topic toxic.

andweallsingalong · 25/02/2022 15:36

I would maybe be hurt at first, but would be fine after her explanation.

Kinda makes sense to celebrate with the people not there on her actual birthday. Like having seperate events with family / friends / kids.

I wouldn't feel undervalued as her commitment to you in going on the holiday is far bigger than to everyone just going to the party so I'd consider her to think more highly of you. After all she could have said to avoid that week as it was her birthday.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 25/02/2022 15:39

What the hell is wrong with people?

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