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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel frustrated about lack of alone time

46 replies

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 08:48

Ok, so I realise I might be being unreasonable but thought I’d ask for other people’s perspective. I have 2 dc. One adult ds and an 11 year old ds. My post really is about finding intimacy with my dh which I know can be difficult for a lot of people with their partners, especially when they have dc but lately it’s getting impossible for me and my dh. Our youngest ds doesn’t sleep well so nighttime it doesn’t happen often. and our eldest who is at uni but still lives at home is hardly ever actually in uni. It’s not that he’s not committed to the course, he’s doing his work and is getting amazing grades so far but a lot of his classes are being changed, often at the last minute and he is given the choice to do some work at home which he of course he then chooses to do. My dh has works but has most mornings at home as do I and we’ve been trying now for almost a month to have some alone time and it just isn’t happening. We planned to have some us time this morning but our ds has been told he doesn’t need to go in uni today as he completed his module yesterday and today is only for students who are behind or struggling with the work. I know it sounds selfish but I can’t help but crave time with dh. Dh doesn’t see what the issue is with today as even though we live in a 3 bed house we use the 3rd bedroom as a play room for our youngest and me dh sleep downstairs as we have an extra room that we’ve converted into a bedroom. Dh said ds is asleep and probably will be until lunchtime as he was up late so he doesn’t see why we can’t have some alone time. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Aderyn21 · 25/02/2022 08:56

It's difficult living with a houseful of people who are never out. I have adult children still at home, all on different schedules and there's literally never a time when they are all out!
No real tips except for weekends away sometimes

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 08:59

Yeah it is difficult. I get less time to myself and less time with dh now than I did when the kids were younger.

OP posts:

MeridasMum · 25/02/2022 09:01

I made a thread like this a few years ago and was astounded that most posters thought I was unreasonable to be worried. Apparently children and young adults need to get used to their parents having sex and can use headphones if they don't want to hear.

That's really not for me. I'm open in discussion with my DCs but not to that extent.

We often set an early alarm or, if we don't want the timing to be too prescriptive, if one of us wakes through the night, we'll see if the other is awake/waking. Usually we're both keen as we value some quiet time together.

This does mean that 'marathon sessions' of old are few and far between but are even better when we do finally find that opportunity!!

22022022MummaMEwarrior · 25/02/2022 09:03

Tbh if your DS is asleep and your not going to be porn star loud why not? Also as much as you shouldn't throw it in kids faces I'm sure they know that you most likely do it with your partner so for it. It's not like your on the kitchen table 🤣🤣

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:06

Get a lock for your bedroom door.

Make a rule that 11 year old can stay up but after bedtime but it is in his bedroom and he does not disturb you.

If you must, Tell your adult son to go out as you want alone time. Or ask him to please stay in bedroom as you and his dad are having a romantic evening watching a movie, drinking wine snogging etc so he'll want to make himself scarce! (Teens+ hate seeing their parents smooch so it'll be very effective!)

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:06

Oh you definitely wasn’t being unreasonable as I feel the same. What my dh is saying and I get his point, sort of, is that when we manage to have alone time at night (usually at the weekend) our youngest dc is here and even though we always wait until he’s asleep, our eldest adult ds is always still awake as he stays up later on weekends. So yeah I get what he’s saying. Only got eldest ds here today who’s asleep and our bedroom is downstairs at the back of the house so is it any different? I don’t know.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:09

Maybe I'm not understanding this?

Are you saying both your DC - the 11 yo DS and uni student son have to be out of the house for you to have alone time to have sex???

Or that you want them asleep in their beds or at least in their own bedrooms not next door in the sitting room?

Because the first is madness and the second is easy to achieve, "Stay in your bedrooms please, Dad and I are having a romantic evening"

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:10

To be fair my ds rarely comes down much now. He’s either at uni, at the football (during the day) or gaming in his room. I’m the one usually pestering him to spend time together but I know he’s older now so wants to do his own thing. As for my 11 year old he has some additional needs (autism GDD) so if we put a lock on our door he would probably get upset. Plus we usually wait until he’s asleep anyway as i couldn’t relax and get in the mood knowing youngest is still awake.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:12

Both dh are happy to have sex of an evening if our 11 year old is asleep but if he’s awake then no chance. Our adult ds doesn’t tend to come down after a certain time at night so that’s not an issue but he’s here a lot during the day so daytime is out of the question too.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:14

The lock on the door is so no one walks in on you mid sex - It gives you vital seconds to disengage, jump up, dressing gowns on and open the door with a "just a minute"

The same as locking bathroom door.

Just get a small bathroom sliding bolt

Then it won't worry you so much if DS 11 is happily occupied in his bedroom but not yet asleep

Snowdon564 · 25/02/2022 09:18

Why is your 11 yo being awake a problem? As long as he doesn’t walk into your room, surly his told to knock first anyway. This can be sorted easily but sounds like your making it a tad more difficult than it needs to be. (I said that gently btw, I imagine it must be difficult havihn a child with extra needs, but when his older he won’t be going asleep until much later in reality)

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:19

@Jacamoz

So is your issue -

You can have sex at night but have to watch your DS all the time whilst he's awake due to his SEN ? That's children for you,

Is a hit or the nighttime after youngest son is asleep issue that it's awkward to have sec in your downstairs bedroom because sometimes older uni son comes downstairs into sitting room next door? Answer is ask older son to give you space /stay upstairs as suggested before as you're "having a romantic evening"

If you answer is you want to have sex during the day when youngest is at school, but your other son is downstairs in and out of kitchen etc, same answer as above. Or you could ask him to go out for the day as you want the house to yourself

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:24

Our 11 year old ds can be left to his own devices once he’s in his room of a nighttime but he comes down multiple times alight whilst me and dh are still awake so we feel on edge that he’ll walk in on us if we are in the bedroom. Eldest ds doesn’t usually sit in the living room on a night at the weekend so that’s not really an issue.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:25

It does seem like you have simple solutions. Your older son will know about sex and will not want to be downstairs if there's the remotest chance you're "doing it" and that he could hear anything !!

Maybe DH and you get a text system going with him that says "do not disturb" which you can pre agree means "stay upstairs as we are or may be 'busy' having a romantic evening"

You could even ask your older son to watch younger son upstairs and put him to bed, so you can have an earlier 'romantic evening' than usual

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:27

Whilst I get that our eldest ds is probably aware that we have sex I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable drawing attention to it which I feel that’s what I’d be doing if I said what you are suggesting.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:30

@Jacamoz

So your issue is that your 11 year old DS doesn't stop disturbing you all evening which doesn't give you enough time to have sex until he's fallen asleep ?

So if you can't change that behaviour, pull in uni son to ask him to help give you a night off a week for eg

Get lock for your door anyway as it'll mean you're not walked in on and have few seconds to pull covers over you/ get off each other if the disturbances are far enough apart usually that you have 10 mins or half hour!

And there's plenty of solutions for dealing with older uni son , you just have to be more upfront. He's hardly going to collapse at a we need private time/ sex discussion now he's an adult!!

Associatepeggy · 25/02/2022 09:31

The 11 year old is at school or out?

And the oldest one will be asleep until about lunchtime. He also sleeps on the floor above?

Not sure why you couldn't have sex this morning?

pinkprettyroses · 25/02/2022 09:31

Book a night away.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:33

Yeah that’s what my dh said. We are on a different floor and ds is asleep but for some reason I just don’t feel comfortable. Dh is happy to leave it but he’s frustrated the same as I am.

OP posts:

Sparticuscaticus · 25/02/2022 09:34

@Jacamoz

Your oldest son is an adult

You don't need to say we will be having sex in x position , just say you want some private time as you're having a "romantic evening". Believe me your son will understand.

If you can't have that conversation with your adult son, I worry how little you've prepared him for life

You asked for solutions but are stopping any move forward as you want to pretend to your adult son you don't have any romantic relationship together? That's not healthy at all

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:35

11 year old is at school. We did book a night away before Christmas but we all got covid. We get a night out probably once or twice a year max as our ds can get upset being left.

OP posts:

rainbowandglitter · 25/02/2022 09:36

Morning sex?

Associatepeggy · 25/02/2022 09:38

When the oldest was younger, say around 10, did you never have sex when he was asleep?

Or when he was 15?

When you not being able to have sex if doddery ds is in the house start?

Sceptre86 · 25/02/2022 09:38

Just have sex when you want. Honestly who cares if your eldest is in the house or not, unless you're going to be banging the bed against the wall and screaming at the top of your lungs how would he know? If you wait till there is noone in the house it will always be difficult. You have quite a conservative view of sex which there is nothing wrong with but if you aren't going to change anything then book a hotel room. That however isn't a longterm solution!

You also need to work on your q1 year old sleep unless they have sent they should be sleeping through by now and you need to be firm with regards to sleep.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 25/02/2022 09:38

No I’m not saying that I pretend to my son that we don’t have adult time, I just don’t want him to know specifically when and where if you get me. We have open and frank discussions. His dad had no issue telling him about the fact he had a vasectomy a few years ago and me and we had the chat when he was younger. I don’t get embarrassed easily and avoid awkward conversations but I also don’t feel the needs to advertise that me and his dad will be having sex on specific days and times.

OP posts:

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